Can someone...?

Question

make me laugh. I'm sick and grumpy and I need cheered up.

Answer 1

Carnation milk is the best in the land;
Here I sit with a can in my hand.
No t*ts to pull, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a b*tch

Answer 2

well I'm going bird hunting with my buddy and I must of got me 30 birds, but he didn't get any, so I ask him "dude what the hell is wrong with you?" "I don't know, I'm not throwing the dog up high enough" and after that they never let us back in that zoo.
another time I was on an airplane, just a dinky little one and going to Alabama, and we land on this little remote airport, it didn't even have fences! and when the plane was landing it hit a deer! the landing gear was all screwed up, and I was laughing my *** off at this time, and I call my cousin, who I was going to visit, and say "uh, you won't beleive this, but we hit a deer with the airplane" there was a long silence on the other end of the line, "oh my God were you on the ground?!" "nope, santa was just making one last run!"
another time I went to this fancy retaruant, it had everything, cushy seats, a shadeleir, even waiters with curly mustaches, and in the table next to mine, I hear a waiter ask "what will it be sir?" "what's rediculously overpriced?" "everything" "I'll have some of that, and a glass of all your water" well I'm looking at my menu and a waiter asks "are you ready to order?" and I ask him, "why do they a a rump roast a rump roast?" because no one would eat it if we called it cow ***, is that what you want?" "yeah I'll have some cows ***"
there was this 18th century warship on the ocean, and the guy in the crows nest yells "ENEMY SHIP ON THE HORISON!" and the captain says, "brring me my rred shirt" they battle gos on all day and they win, and the first mate asks "why did you need a red shirt when we went into battle?" "so if I happened to get shot the crew would not notice the blood and they would continue to fight on." the next the guy in the crows nest says "TWENTY ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!"

Answer 3

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Shelby.
Shelby who?
Shelby coming around the mountain when she comes.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

Answer 4

Drink coke and eat crackers! I'll sing to you! I love you!
you love me! we're a happy family! with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too? LOL. I watched that wen I was 7.

Answer 5

ok theres this red head she goes to the docter and says my whole body is in major pain he says thats impossible show me so she shows him she pokes her ankle screams in agony pokes her cheek screams pokes her arm screams she said see while crying from the pain the doctor said your not really a red head r u she says no im really blonde he says i can tell you broke your finger!!!!!


im a riot

Answer 6

my granny plays for Scotland
she went to score a goal
she did the splits
and ripped her ''''
and the ball went up her ''''