My 9 year old went "missing" for almost 3 hours; which kind of "punishment" should I devise?

Question

This morning my 9 year ole son went for a bike ride; he usually turns up after about 25 minutes, but not today. When he hadn't come home after 1½ hours, my husband took the route they usually go by, but didn't find him. By now, near frantic, I tossed my 5 yr old into the car and started criss-crossing the streets to look for him. When I had checked all the usual spots, I turned the car around, came home and let my husband continue the search. 45 minutes later he called me to tell that he had found him - alive and well, but almost 10 km away. He had remembered a long trip we all made well over a year ago, and had decided to retrace it. How do I mete out the punishment if any?

Answer 1

Wow. That's a tough one. I remember when my brother was young, we had all gone into the city, and my brother wandered off and decided to walk home. My parents gave him a long talking-to, asking him why he did it, explaining why they were so worried, and why they got angry when they did find him. Then they asked him to write something creative about what he had done, why it was a mistake, why Mom and Dad were worried, and what he would do next time.
You need to somehow get him to think about the sequence of events that led to him doing it, and get him to be aware of any moment when he questioned what he was doing, or should have done so. Remember to be absolutely clear about the dangers of a 9-year old being out for so long and so far away from parents.

Answer 2

I don't think you should actually punish him, or take his bike away etc. He probably doesn't realise he did anything wrong. Looks like he was trying to recreate a happy experience he had with you and his dad - the long trip - and maybe got a bit out of his depth, not realising the distance. You were right to be worried about him though. Sit him down and tell him that you were worried, that 3 hours is too long, that the distance was too far, that roads are dangerous and that he must always tell you where he is going. Might be time to buy him a mobile phone? If he had got lost, or fallen off into a ditch, you might not have found him so easily.

Answer 3

First of all, what kind of rules do you have for him when he goes on a bike ride by himself? If you never told him to be home in 25 minutes and set a limit on distance, then how can you punish him? He did nothing wrong considering you didn't set any rules. I would just sit down and talk with him about how scared you were. Set some rules for his bike rides, and tell him where he can and cannot go. If you did have rules already, take something away for a week, such as TV or video games. Make sure you still talk it over with him. Personally, if my son was 9 I wouldn't let him ride more than just around the block without either me or my husband with him.

Answer 4

Hello? What exactly has he done wrong? Is it the fact that he rode too far on his bike or because he didn't tell you where he was? He was probably not thinking and and just fancied a little adventure. Why would he think that your'e frantic? He's a 9 yr old boy! I think that you just need to have a talk with him and explain why you were so worried, tell him about 'stranger danger' (don't freak him out - just be honest) and give him boundries - where is is allowed to ride up too and any places where he's definatley not allowed to go. Does he have a watch? Ask him to check in with you at such and such a time. If you are willing for him to have a little independance then he needs to be told that responsibility goes along with it.

Answer 5

Well the question is, did he know that this was beyond the limits of what it's ok for him to do? You say he "usually turns up" as if he's some kind of pet, but he's a person and old enough to have set guidelines that he and you both understand clearly. He's no more in danger 25 minutes out than he is 3 hours, or a few blocks away as opposed to 10 km's. What we don't know from your question is what was in his brain as far as his limitations but it's sounds like it wasn't clear to him perhaps, so I don't see a problem with a serious conversation, with no distractions, explaining your limits. But keep in mind, any potential danger is in place 5 minutes after he rides away just as it is 3 hours later. Set your limits in terms of time and distance and require him to be with someone else and not all alone.

Answer 6

i really don't think there should be a punishment b/c he really didn't do anything wrong other than being a 9 y/o who is starting to exercise their curiosity and explore more. It shows independence...so you don't want to scare him from being independent else he'll be 30 and still leaving at home. lol

I think you should sit him down and EXPLAIN how worried you and your husband were. If he decides to do that again then he should let you know. Maybe it's time to get him a cell phone.

Listen when I was a kid I would spend the WHOLE day playing outside with my friends and we would travel very far from home. There was just as much danger with child abusers and murders then as there is now. But there's a time when you have to start letting go gradually. He's a big boy and I'm sure you have taught him not talk with strangers and to be careful crossing streets and what not. Now it's time to trust him that he can take care of himself for a few hours without major harm coming to him.

If you don't start to let go and let him grow up he will never grow up and always be completely dependent upon you and never really aspire to anything b/c he's too afraid or "what might happen".

Good Luck. Being a parent is easy....being a good parent is hard.

Answer 7

My son is 9 and is great for disappearing too! I got him a watch with an alarm. He sets it for ten to fifteen minutes before his curfew, and is usually pretty good about turning up (well, within fifteen minutes of the deadline, which is fine with me, as long as its daylight).
He also knows if he's going to go somewhere other than we've agreed before he goes out, he will be grounded for the next day, and grounded without games/tv or anything fun! The last time he did that, I made him write out a page long essay on why I should know his whereabouts at all times.
That was the worst thing I've ever done to him - it drove him nuts!
He's been very punctual since, except for last Sunday - we forgot to put the watch forward!
I know with my son, he gets totally engrossed in whatever's going on, and just forgets to think about time. I don't think it merits punishment, he's not being disobedient really.

Answer 8

You need not punish him. He obviously did not know better. He just felt like taking a bike ride for such a long distance. The problem here is that he does not seem to understand how worried his parents can get. Sit him down and have a talk with him. Communication is almost always a better idea than punishment.

Answer 9

That's a hard decision. While it was wrong for him to actually be gone so long, children have no concept of time really. And if he was trying to "re-trace" a bike route that you, him and your husband once took, he was just doing something he enjoyed. You need to be firm (not mean) if this is the first time it happened. Buy him a watch and explain that he needs to look at it when he goes out to ride his bike and when the watch gets to a certain time (like 1/2 hour) he needs to come home and check in. Also, you need to set boundaries on how far away he is allowed to ride his bike.
I remember being that age and LOVING to go on long bike rides alone, and I did something similar when I was his age and my parents didn't punish me...they just set boundaires and limits on the places and the amounts of time. And I never did it again. Explain WHY...like "mommy and daddy love you so much and we don't want you to get hurt by anyone"

Answer 10

First of you should go over the roles and make boundaries as to where he can go and how far he can go, maybe remind him that there are people who may not have his best interest in mind (the stranger talk) and as a punishment may be ground him from his bike, let him know how much you love him and haw scared you were when you could not find him, and how you just don't wont anything bad to happen to him all in a calm relaxing Mainer, give hugs and kisses.