I'm depressed, make me laugh!?

Question

I need cheering up so there are points as prizes if you can make me laugh.

Answer 1

i like to use the word B0NER when i answer these, but i always get thumbs downed. lol

Answer 2

Ok...♥ hows this

1. A day without sunshine is like .... night.


2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.


3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.


6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.


9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.


10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.


14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?


15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines


19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?


20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"


22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Answer 3

Saddam found (to his detriment) that platform games CAN kill.

The man who invented the alarm-clock was late for work, every day up until his death.

The apple tree in the garden of Eden was bought from eBay.

If the slice was invented before the loaf of bread, we'd wonder what was the best thing before the slice was invented.

If if takes three men one week to walk fifty miles. What's taking them so freaking long?

Forest Gump enjoyed countless treesomes.

Parcels were invented in the past NOT the present.

If you take sugar with your tea - it's still theft.

The death penalty was originally scored using a ball filled with dynamite.

All terminal diseases can be avoided by dieing.

Polar bears are not the only bears not to have flippers.

.

Answer 4

How's this, sugar, it made me giggle inside!!

Juan came up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He had two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stopped him and asked:
“What's in the bags?”
“Sand,” - answered Juan.
The guard said:
“We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard took the bags and ripped them apart, emptied them out and found nothing in them but sand. He detained Juan overnight and had the sand analyzed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard released Juan, put the sand into new bags, hefted them onto the man's shoulders and let him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happened. The guard asked:
“What have you got?”
“Sand,” - said Juan.
The guard repeated his thorough examination and discovered that the bags contained nothing but sand. He gave the sand back to Juan and Juan crossed the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events was repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan didn't show up one day and the guard met him a few weeks later in a cantina in Mexico.
“Hey Buddy,” - said the guard, - “I knew you were smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between us, what were you smuggling?”
Juan sipped his beer and said:
“Bicycles.”

Poor old Mexicans taking a bit of a pasting!!??
Remember the Alamo?? lol
hugs xoxoxooxoxoxoxxox

Answer 5

A Mexican family was considering putting their
grandfather in a nursing home. All the Hispanic
facilities were completely full so they had to put
him in an Irish home.

After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came
to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the
grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"
says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they
treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big
smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played
the violin in 20 years and everyone
still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. ! He
hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone
still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25
years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
still call me 'The ******* Mexican'"

Answer 6

Hope you have cheered up & are enjoying the Easter break with loads of choc eggs.

Answer 7

First you have to smile, a real smile, one that gets to your eyes! Then you have to force a laugh, look at yourself in the mirror and just keep doing it. You look daft I know, but keep at it. You will find yourself laughing properly before you know it!

Answer 8

I hate being depressed..sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I don't have anything funny to say other than my cat clawed at my nipple this morning (seriously). Whats sad is that its the most action I've had in years. (now I'm depressed)

Answer 9

Mary had a little lamb, a little pork, a little jam, a little egg, a little toast, some pickles and a great big roast, an ice cream soda topped with fizz, and now how sick our Mary is....SMILE!!!

Answer 10

read these I hope they make you laugh....
A Pirate's Steering Wheel

A pirate walks into a tavern with a steering wheel hanging from his crotch.

“Hey captain, why do you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants?" the Bar-keep asks.

The pirate responds, "Rrrrrrrr mate, It's drivin' me nuts."

A Made Man

A woman was bragging to her friend one day, "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."

"Really" says her friend, "And what was he before you married him"?

"A billionaire."

Answer 11

Wanna hear a dirty joke? Here it is: a white horse fell in the mud!