Is this fair?

Question

I pay half the bills?
My wife pays the other half of the bills?
I do at least half the cooking, cleaning, raising of my children and a thousand one other things with regards to having a family.
I have my career.
My wife has her career.
I have my income.
My wife has her income.

If I want something I save the money to get it.
If my wife wants something she wants me to give her the money to get it.

Why should I give her any of the money I saved up?
She could of saved money if she wanted to.

She could try and take have if we would divorce, but that would be like killing the golden goose.

Please don't try and use the sex argument because I enjoy it much much more when its freely given. I do consider date nights to restuarants payments.

So if she wants more money why shouldn't she just find a better job and stop trying to get me to pay for her stuff?

The majority answered just the way I thought you would.

FYI, the money I saved is also called a 401K, and what I'm saving up for is retirement.

Would honestly cash out part of your 401K so your wife could have a new car.

Please don't make me laugh.

Answer 1

One thing that you can try doing is to set up one household account where all of the bills are paid from then each of you maintain your own personal spending accounts

This way she can go to her own account to spend without taking a way from the household account

Answer 2

My husband calls people like you and your wife "2 single people living together." What you are describing is NOT a marriage. So you're thinking that it's your money and her money, and neither the 2 should meet, right?

I don't give your marriage much chance, at least not with your attitude. If each person only gives 50% to the marriage, it won't work. It's NEVER 50/50. Sometimes it's 100/0, sometimes it's 0/100, and sometimes it's 80/20 (or vice versa). Each spouse should have an amount of money that they can spend without having to account to the other for it, and that amount should be agreed upon in advance.

I'm not going to tell you guys how to manage your finances here, but your attitude towards them, quite frankly, stinks. I would suggest counseling on this subject, and probably a few others as well. All you're doing is generating resentment, for both of you.

Answer 3

Do you guys make an equal amount of money? She's your wife why not help her out? If you suddenly lost you job and had to take another that didn't pay as well, should you not be able to rely on your wife to pick up the slack? What you are describing sounds like a roommate situation with some "benefits". You are in a marriage and that means for richer or poorer. If she is just spending her money on frivolous things, then maybe that is what you should talk about instead of sounding like a cheap miser.

Answer 4

You need to rethink the foundation of your marriage. It isn't about two people living together, raising children and everything being fair.

It's about being in the whole thing together.

You have everything so divided up, your life is a mess. Clean that up first and you won't have these situations anymore.

Is this the marriage you signed up for?

By the way, life isn't fair, ever, and love is the unfairest of all.

I don't think you love your wife, you just keep score too much.

Do the woman a favor, let her go. You both deserve to be in a relationship where you can't possible give enough to the other person.

I would scrape coins out of the gutter to give to my husband if he needed money and every other resource I have at my disposal dried up. That's the marriage partner you and she deserve to go through life with.

Take a second look buddy, your problems have nothing to do with fair or with money. Youa re all messed up.

Answer 5

It sounds like you just need to come to an agreement. This really should have been decided before you got married. Did you make a decision and all the sudden she's changing her mind? If so, that's wrong on her part. I've always thought that a marriage was about coming together. We make financial decisions jointly but I know that doesn't work for everyone. I agree with you, if you've had this arrangement, if she wants more money it's time for her to make more!

Maybe you should think about having a percentage in a joint fund that you both contribute to but BOTH agree on how its spent. How can you know what your financial future is if you don't have a common goal together?

Answer 6

Sounds like the problem is you are trying to divide everything into mine and hers. Successful marriages need two people who are functioning as one in purpose and spirit. Stop thinking "mine & hers" and start setting goals that you want to achieve as a family unit. It is not realistic for a marriage to be 50/50. At times it is 99/1, sometimes 40/60 and it switches between which spouse is carrying the heavier load, financially and emotionally. Sometimes you will shoulder these burdens sometimes your wife will. It'll even out in the end. Why not work out a budget together, taking care of both of your needs and meeting some of each others wants?

Answer 7

People who love each other don't "keep score." They don't try to turf out territories or establish divisions. They know that sometimes in a relationship, they are the giver, sometimes the taker, and sometimes things work out even.

If they have concerns, such as spending patterns, they discuss the concern openly and uncritically, and try to deal with the issue fairly. They don't attack each other, patronize each other, or diminish each other's contribution to the relationship.

While it's not true that in marriage there is no "mine" and "yours," there is a lot more "ours" in a marriage. Someone who spends time and effort trying to divide things out to make sure that he's not getting shortchanged by even a nickel probably should not be in a serious relationship with anyone; he should make it clear to potential partners that he's all about making sure that he never parts with a nickel or makes an effort beyond what he considers fair, and that his money is his and that he does keep score.

If his partner knows that's who he is, and accepts that, that's fine. Personally, I wouldn't like to live that way. The constant calculating and defending and scorekeeping would just make me too tired and too anxious.

JMO.

Answer 8

It is hard to explain but if you are truly doing everything 50/50 if you make more money then her that means sometimes you are paying little bit more to even things out. Your total household income should be divided 50/50. You know what I mean.
If you have a good relationship then this wouldn't even be an issue. You two should have a talk to figure out what the real problem before you begin to resent each other.

Answer 9

One of the hardest parts of marriage is the money situation. The moment you are married, whatever it is you had is NOT YOURS anymore. It's both of yours. So there should be no such thing as different bank accounts. You guys need to talk about everything that is being spent. Including things that are not always necessary (like shoes, dvd's, video games...blah, blah, blah). As soon as you BOTH realize that you guys are ONE, and everything you own is shared, then you will stop having money problems and you will have less problems about other stuff too. It just happens that way. So be good and share!

Answer 10

why didn't you two sit down and discuss these issues BEFORE you got married?

seems to me people just hurry up and get married before discussing finances and making a plan for living.

it's not too late to make some sort of budget and arrangements about how much each of you put toward the household bills, is it?

or are you considering a divorce? you didn't make it clear.

i have nothing to say about sex.

i don't know why she just doesn't find a better job.... ask her...

meanwhle, consider asking her to sit down and CALMLY discuss your finances... make a plan, and stick to it! if you expect her to save money to buy things for herself, then tell her.... if you have family gifts to buy, share the expense. if she wants to drive a car, perhaps she could pay for that?

if one of you makes less money than the other, then the one who makes more, needs to put a little extra in the pot for the household expenses.

in my world the man takes care of the family -- and this was true in my marriages, BUT i did contribute to the household bills, and he had a lot of advantages because of my income.

hope you can work it out.. take care.

Answer 11

I don't think your marriage will work out, since sharing everything is really important, including money. This demonstrates trust. I have a friend who married a stingy guy. She wanted to share, he didn't. She divorced him. So, no, the situation is not fair to either of you.

Regarding your second question, you are right. If you share half of everything then whatever extra you have is for yourself.

If she's using sex to get what she wants, that's even more proof your marriage is in trouble.