Is this a good beginning to my story? Opinions are appreciated!?

Question

In The Mirror

Chapter 1
My sides hurt from sucking in my stomach for an hour straight, and my cheeks stung from a false smile I had held for the duration of my interview. My mother sat beside me, and she still appeared more flawless than I was. I didn’t know at the time that sometimes having flaws is the only way people can tell that you’re human just like them. I was only concerned with living up to a future of lying to myself. So I sucked in my breathe a little more.
“So, Violetta, why do you want to do this modeling job?” Mrs. Sherman asked, her plump lips mimicking my forced smile exactly. My mother’s face slightly tilted, as if she were giving me a cue. My head pounded from trying to appear skinny and perfect, and the answers we had practiced for this inevitable question for hours on end had inconveniently disappeared.
I was sixteen years old, and this was my first interview for a modeling job. I had missed the other three most important things in my life to be here:

: I had skipped a creative writing workshop; I had been forced a concert for a band that all of my friends were in, thus letting them down; and finally, I had not been able to hold my own daily self-criticism session in front of the mirror. Every day I looked at my appearance and told myself what needed to be changed. I could never bring myself to look directly into my own eyes, but I never admitted why: that I feared the emptiness that I would see there, and I was afraid that I would take actions I would regret, or more accurately, that my mother would regret and punish me for.
“Um, well, this would be my first modeling job, and I’d really just love the experience, and the opportunity to, you know, broaden my horizons. And, uh, I just really love to model, so, I would love this job!” My patched up answer of fragments of the various things my mother had told me to say made her mouth drop in horror. Oh, the things that I would say to myself in the mirror later that night.

The car ride was silent, which was far worse then if my mother would have screamed at me. She was a classic model, and I had to constantly live in the shadow of so much beauty. Her name was Vada Crelavani and I had memorized her appearance long ago. She had straight midnight black hair that went just past her shoulders. She had Mediterranean skin, and chiseled cheeks that had the slightest natural blush covering them. Her lips were plump, but no too plump. She had an oval-shaped face with a small chin. Her nose was small but perfect, with tiniest ski jump on the end. I saved her eyes for last: they were almond shaped, framed by thick lashes, and hazel with gold flecks. They were giant eyes, and made up for her small nose and chin.

When we arrived home I stumbled up the grand staircase, ignoring my father’s question of how the interview for the cream cheese ad had gone. I simply went to my room and shut the door tight. A song pounded from my CD player in seconds, so I wouldn’t have to hear my parents talking about what was wrong with me. It was what had inspired the mirror sessions to begin with. I would do what they did so often myself, I would learn to recognize and correct my own faults. I never looked at what was wrong with my insides, only how flat my stomach was or the bags under my eyes that needed to be covered up. Every part of me needed to be changed or covered up.

Answer 1

Swing - nice interplay and very subtle hook - did she or didn't she and her journey with dealing with the truth about the industry - and constant comparison with her mother - keep it up - will you post the final story or provide a link?

Answer 2

You should NEVER put uncopyrighted material in any public forum. ANYONE can copy it and use it and you won't have a legal leg to stand on.

That said and I'm only going to cover chapter 1:

1. You don't need a comma after "My mother sat beside me..."
2. It should be "more flawless than I did" not was.
3. It's breath...not breathe
4. If Mrs. Sherman is a professional in the modeling industry, and has a good grasp of english grammar, she would say "Why do you want this modeling job?", though she'd be even more likely to simply say "Why do you want this job?"

Make sure you research the modeling industry well..there is a lot of terminology they use instead of the language most people use and anyone who is familiar with the industry will spot it if your characters who are in the business don't that terminology.

Overall from a language and descriptive standpoint, you did a good job and the image you're trying to convey comes to the mind through your language very clearly, which is what it's supposed to do.

It seems like a good start to me.

Answer 3

Miss Darcy,
this is really great. I think this is a great way to start your book. I'm actually interested of how it will go on.
You have talent, yes.
I think what you wrote, young women can relate to today: How much the outside matters, we have to look perfect (even in movies, when women die, they almost always still look beautiful), pressure from the media, peers, society that we have to look beautiful.
I think a lot of women suffer and struggle with this, that there is always something, some flaw on our outward appearance that needs to be "corrected".

Answer 4

When you write a book, you have to ask the question, does it have a hook? That is, wil it grabs people. When you have written a book, and it is for sale in the bookshop, people will read the first page. Once they have done that, they will either put it back on the shelf, or buy it. To find out what you are up against, just go into a bookshop, and you will see what you are up against. Once you have written a chapter, you have to ask yourself the question. "Is this the type of book I would buy.

Answer 5

I like it,sounds like it'll be a very interesting story. The paragraph of the description of the mother could have more variations of sentence length I think,you've done that in the other paragraphs and I think it would help in this one to stop it sounding like a shopping list of things. How you've described her though is excellent,I can really visualise her in my head.

Answer 6

actual? you probable won't like this...yet whats up, you asked. It sounds such as you may desire to be 13 or fourteen, incredibly attempting to place in writing for the 1st time. do no longer take something every physique says right here to stressful - while you're merely commencing out, save going. the main extreme element you're able to do now's save imagining and jotting issues down. it is slightly steryotypical, yet whats up. I probable does no longer examine it - yet it incredibly is barely because of the fact it is not my type. My acquaintances all probable could. careful with grammar and spelling. And undergo in techniques (examine the final paragraph), it is great to get right into a character's head, yet incredibly, you have have been given to cap it off someplace. it is likewise slightly to casual for the narrator to right away tackle the reader in such an intimate way once you havn't incredibly mastered the technique. it is utilized for consequence and to help get close to to characters, yet you're no longer incredibly that reliable yet. save working in direction of, and are not getting to disillusioned if somebody shoots you down. you have have been given to start someplace. merely undergo in techniques, JK Rowling wrote a number of HP1 on the back of a serviette, and replaced into grew to become down a minimum of one million/2 a dozen cases earlier she replaced into revealed. As Sarah says, instruct, dont tell. Thats additionally one in all the different issues you may desire to paintings on. otherwise, save on! =) WITC

Answer 7

It was very good. I suggest some action/dialog soon. Your like me you can paint a picture with words. I love it and want to read the next part.

Answer 8

I really enjoyed the opening to your story and I'm curious as to how it will end. I'm no critic and will offer no opinions. I think you are well on your way to becoming a great writer.

Answer 9

keep writing; u will disappoint would-be fans if u didn't! :) awesome job!