Should I bother trying to fix my marriage?

Question

I was wondering what to do about this - I work full time and my husband stays home with the kids. Thats about all he does though. I get home from work and have to clean the house, cook dinner, oversee homework, and keep everything running smoothly. He doesnt do anything to help - he doesnt clean up after himself or help pay any of the bills with the money he does happen to make.
If he gets any money he spends it all on himself immediately without asking if the kids need anything. He wont have anything to do with their care once I get home from work. He wont offer to help me pay the bills even though I've asked him to.There are a lot of other issues that I've tried to address with him but he stomps off, blaming me for bringing it up when he doesnt think there's anything wrong with him getting a free ride.There is no physical relationship or sign of affection at all.
Should I keep trying to get him to care, Is it even really worth it or should I just move on?

Answer 1

Kiss this one goodbye. There's a difference between being loved and being used - and you yourself know what the differences are.

No physical relationship or affection? That isn't a marriage honey. That's an arrangement. One that benefits him only.

I know it's hard - I've been there. You'll make up all kinds of excuses to keep him around. The kids need him, you need him, you love him, the kids love him, etc. But here's the fascinating part - your not doing yourself or the kids a favor by remaining in a marriage that has no love.

You and your husband are the first role model your children will have as to how men and women interact with one another. They'll learn how to have relationships and what to expect of the opposite sex from you and your husband. Do you want your son to think men are shiftless and lazy? That they live off of women rather than provide and care for them? Do you want your daughter to think that it's ok for men to use women and show no affection for it? Do you want your daughter to pick her future mate based on her father as a role model?

Amazingly enough, you and your children would most likely be better off without him around. Lift the air of negativity out of your household and your lives. You'll be better off - you'll see.

He'll be forced to pay child support and, therefore, forced to care and provide for his children as he should be now. Make him responsible. He'll also be forced to care and provide for you for a while through alimoney most likely. It'll be the first time he'll be requested to be a man and forced to take responsibility.

As well, he'll see the huge difference in his life without you providing for him. He'll crumble like a pile of loose bricks. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's not yours, it's his.

Bottom line. This guy is no longer in love with you. Remaining in a loveless marriage doesn't do you or your children any bit of good. It'll only teach your daughter to put up with this behavior from men - and she'll take her example from you.

Stand up for yourself. Empower yourself and claim a new life for you and your children - and make him a responsible husband and father by doing so. No more free rides - everything comes with a price to pay.

Focus on finding new love in your life. When love is missing - there's a huge hole. When you find love, you'll find happiness. And your children will be taught what REAL men are like.

Answer 2

WOW, i can't believe how many people just say to move on. Obviously there are many issues here, and they all suck, but there must've been a reason you've married him? I think you should tell him you're fed up and considering leaving him, perhaps even discuss your options with a lawyer. The threat of losing his free ride just might be the kick in the pants he needs. Of course he stomps off, he's got it made and you're tyring to take away all his fun.
If he shows any signs of wanting to make it work, you should suggest marriage counseling. Your husband's in a rut, and he needs an outsiders point of view to point that out to him. If after that things don't change, by all means move on. But I don't believe in giving up on a marriage without putting all your effort in it. Especially when there are children involved.

Answer 3

You can't make your husband be who you want him to be. I would suggest that you go to individual counseling to help you figure out what it is you want before making any decisions. Right now you are working outside the home and still taking care of the home itself. Do what has to be done and don't stress out over things that can really wait. I would quit nagging your husband about it as that makes him even more determined to not do anything. I think what I'm hearing from you is that he is getting a disability check and is being a bum and you don't like it. He is not acting the way you want him to and that is frustrating you. All you can do is your part and if you have no expectations from your husband, he won't be able to frustrate you. He is who he is right now. Let him be.

Get some help with dealing with your emotions as it is you that is feeling frustrated and angry right now, not your husband, and the only person you can control or change is you. Sorry, but that is the truth.

Good luck. You're doing great taking care of your home and children. Be proud of yourself - leave your husband be. He needs to work on his own issues. Be happy right now with the way things stand and get yourself some emotional support.

Answer 4

Do you still love him? Any marriage is worth saving if the love is still there. Search within yourself to find the answer. Seek counseling before giving up because there is children involved. He has to realize that not only is he neglecting them but he is also neglecting you. You all are a unit which means you are suppose to work together not against each other and he is being very selfish not to have any involvement once you get home. If you have spoke to him about this please go to counseling if that doesn't help then you will have to move on.

Answer 5

Move on dear,He will never take responsibility for others until he learns how to take care of himself...Maybe change the roles,make him go look for work and support the family while you stay home and take care of the house...Take your rent and devide it by the amount of people living there..Hand him the bill and say this is his share for having a roof over his head...Do this with everything he endulges in...and even his laundry,take it too the laundry mat and see what it costs to do his clothes...Make dinner for you and the children and not him,telling him when he affords to help buy food than he can enjoy the meal with you...Sell the T.V.?Oh and when he say's hey I watch the kids all day,Tell him yeah they watched you too,and they all said you had a wonderfull nap !!!

Answer 6

Jettison him. This is a kick you to the curb scenario if I have ever read one. What a great example for the children. I think you deserve love, respect and kindness. Where is the respect? I thought marriage was synonymous with "partnership"? Did I miss something with that belief? He is acting like one of your children. It would certainly kill my sex drive immediately if my husband laid around all day, did not contribute to the financial welfare of our family and selfishly spent everything he did earn on himself.

Please make an appointment with a therapist immediately and after a couple of sessions you will know what to do. It is going to be ultimatum time for him real soon. The children will respect your courage down the road if you are led to separate from their father because he refused to abide by the vows of your marriage..."love, honor, cherish, " just to name a few. The vows are not.."stay by your man even if he is lazy, does not work, and does not contribute to the partnership." He needs to grow up and he will not under your roof, as long as you continue to take care of him. The resentment, anger and toxicity you will build in your heart due to this man is not worth it. However if you let him go you will feel relief, and eventually you will have some issues to work through...but HE will not be one of them.

Answer 7

Let me guess, you got married because you had kids, not out of love. Now he is acting like a big kid, and using a "free ride" He sounds quite immature. Give him an ultimatum, get a job, and start supporting his family, or get out. It sounds like right now you are supporting the family, and you can do it without him.
If he is not contributing to the family, he's not being a father, he's not being a husband, and you two have no relationship..........then you are supporting another child.........only that child should be self sufficient.

.....but hey, why work, when you can get by on no work.......and if the subject comes up....just throw a temper tantrium.

Answer 8

Let me get this straight; You're the primary breadwinner, paying all the bills, taking care of the home, starving for attention, and playing the role of both parents? You can do that all by yourself without the assistance of some freeloader who only continues to drain what sounds like an exhausting life. If you continue to enable his behavior, it's only going to get worse. Do you know how many men would be OVERLY appreciative of the role you've taken on? He sounds about as selfish as they come.

If I were you, I'd put it simple: "Contribute to this marriage or get out!" Take care of your children, not a grown man who acts like a child...

Answer 9

Divorce appears to be emminent, however consider counselling. From your description, he denies that a problem exists and I would assume that he would not go to counselling with you.

Some would define a marriage as being a piece of paper. If that is the case, then you have a marriage. If you define a marriage as being a partnership and collaboration of effort, you don't have one. The only thing that keeps you together appears to be the kids. He will still be their dad, but you should demand more out of a parnter and move on.

Answer 10

Without a doubt this man has to help with more then just staying home with the kids. He needs to know he is not only not doing his fair share but he is actually making things worse. Without action on his part your marriage will fail. Craft your message in those terms and see what he thinks.