Why is he like this?

Question

My husband tried to find one of his female buddies through a "people finders" search engine last year. When I asked him about why he did it, his response was "because I just wanted to." There was no real answer. He also says that they never had sex, they only kissed and she was more like a friend to him. Everytime I turn around, he's always doing something on the net and I don't trust him. At this point, I am really tired of talking to him because nothing helps. What am I suppose to do?

It's not that I'm being paranoid, it's just when I ask him something, he never has a real answer and all I want is for him to be honest. His answers are so lame and that's what really makes me mad.

Answer 1

He is probably trying to find women to date and not be friends with.

I am very trusting person, but the reason why I say this is because he didn't care about your feelings.

He must know you don't trust him and that you feel insecure about his actions. If he were just trying to find someone who was a friend, and if he really cared about you, he would try to assuage your feelings. He would tell you the truth and say, you know I really wonder what she's up to and he would say, Don't worry baby, I am not trying to get another woman.

But your real issue is that he doesn't care about you.

I know this because this has happened to me. I was once married to someone who really didn't care about me. I overlooked these small things and then larger things began to happen.

When a man loves you, really loves you, and doesn't want to lose you (thank God I have really been loved and I know), he tries to assuage your feelings, especially when he is wrong, and he is not sarcastic or caustic with you.

You either need to accept the fact that you have a husband who doesn't really love you or just loves you a bit or confront him, peacefully and calmly, and prepare to divorce him.

I wish you had watched this special they had on CNN last night.

There are many internet cheaters. And there are men who watch porn and instead of keeping it hot in the marital bedroom, use the arousal to get other women or hookers.

And there are other things to do online that just destroy human connnections if it isn't kept in check.

So live with it or get ready to leave...maybe he loves you enough to think about what he is doing or get counseling, but I doubt it.

I am really sorry, but I have a lot of experience with this (my ex husband and a women's group I volunteer with with all kinds of women).

It never fails...if he doesn't care enough about you not to use harsh language, he probably doesn't care enough about you to do anything else either.

Please leave him, especially if you don't have children.

Answer 2

This is just a symptom of the real problem. He is having an emotional affair and using the internet as the tool accomplish it. If it's just "friends" then why can't the communication be with you involved -- "my wife and I....." That's a cop out if the other female friends don't even want 2 know u or get 2 know u.

My ex (and ex for a reasons after 18 yrs of marriage) had a "best friend -- childhood -- female". Over the years this person never disrepected me but also never got 2 know me and always made it clear that my ex was HER friend. I fault my ex for not integrating us and using his "friendship" w/her as an emotional outlet for him. It was selfish and manipulative and he just continued to winden the gap between with this behavior and eventually it lead to more and more problems and our demise.

So, in conclusion, talk to him -- let him know it makes u uncomfortable and u would like him to stop. If he insists -- then u know there is something bigger going on.

I wish u the best and hope whatever u decide is the decision u can live with in peace.

Answer 3

I can explain what he did but no why he did it. It's a matter of closure for him and maybe there was something about that former love interest (if they've kissed that's that's clearly more than a friend) that he doesn't want to forget or can't let go of.

As to why he did it, he really has no excuse there. You're his wife now and basically he's looking elsewhere. The two of you should talk about what a marriage really means to each spouse. If he can't understand that basic concept then there could be problems down the road. Good luck!

Answer 4

My guess is that he is like myself, there is a certain population of people on this earth that have letting go issues and I will admit that I am one of those people and from the sound of it so is your husband. It's not about him trying to locate her in hopes of rekindling some type of romantic relationship. He just probably wants to know where she is in life kinda like touching basis you know hi, how are you, married, kids. Now myself I always keep tabs on my exes even now that I am happily married with a child. I love to boast on my family, life and all my accomplishments. I honestly don't think you got anything to worry about unless you aren't telling the whole story, now if he's chatting online with women and sending them pics of you and nowhere does he mention to her that he's married, if that's the case then I would be worried. If you have to put some spyware on the computer that he uses taht way you can track and monitor what and who he is doing. If not trust your husband you married him for a reason.

Answer 5

I am going to guess that you two have only been married for either 3 years or 7 years. Am I right? His mind and pecker are in the beginning stages of wandering. Lay it on the line and tell him its bothering you. If he doesnt stop then he has no respect for you or the relationship and get out!

Answer 6

What's your problem? Is your husband not allowed friends? or just not allowed female friends? This isnt his problem, its yours, your too insecure to be in a relationship, let alone married. I bet you have male friends, guess that means your cheating on your husband...if you follow your logic.

Most of these people are crazy. Why has it become the default action to distrust and to spy on your partner? I am good friends with a few people i have dated, and my wife knows I find old friends online, and I enjoy chatting with them. Not one of you women would take the same stance if this was a man asking why his wife was finding old friends on the computer. If that were the case, you would tell him to trust her and to not go snooping in her business. Wake up people, guys are capeable of having friends that are female, it doesnt mean hes cheating, it doesnt mean his unfaithful in anyway. It means he has friends, you women who view any femal friends your partner has, as a threat, your too insecure. Grow up people, we arent in the stone age anymore, people can have friends and be friends with whomever they like

"My ex (and ex for a reasons after 18 yrs of marriage) had a "best friend -- childhood -- female". Over the years this person never disrepected me but also never got 2 know me and always made it clear that my ex was HER friend. I fault my ex for not integrating us and using his "friendship" w/her as an emotional outlet for him. It was selfish and manipulative and he just continued to winden the gap between with this behavior and eventually it lead to more and more problems and our demise." <===== This little bit, this is just stupid, your blaming the fact that your ex and you broke up over the fact one of his freinds didnt get to know you, I mean seriously, how childish can we get?

"dont feel so insecure about it...he is your husband after all, not your lover who will leave you just like that....may be he just wants to have a good friendship with this girl he chats on the net....dont worry about it...just make him feel that you are the same person he loved and married and you also want some attention of his towards you....every thing will be all right." <==== This bit, this is a normal, very smart person talking. The intenet is not only for perverts and cheaters people, believe it or not. It is a modern form and means of communicating, and yes some people do have friends online, deal with it, its the same as any friend in reali life.

But, you are likely not telling the whole story, you leave alot un accounted for. How did you jump from him trying to find an old friend, to you not trusting anything he does on the computer? If it was a straight junp, you are looking for things to give you an excuse to accuse him of cheating. If you look for unfaithfulness in a relationship, you'll see it everywhere you turn. If all your husband is doing is finding old friends....then whats your deal, you would get pissed if he found you trying to get ahold of an old friend who was a guy, then started not trusting anything you did and posting questions on the internet about your behavior, now wouldnt you, so what gives you the right to do it too him. But dont worry, I know you wont pay attention, your too caught up in yourself to see that other people have friends and the world doesnt revolve around you, and too immature to be married right now.

Answer 7

Sara G is right....don't be so paranoid....try to join him in searching his lost female friends on the Internet...show him you're also eager to know what have become of these people....ask him to help you also in searching your lost male friends on the internet...and give him back whatever reasons he is giving you why he is searching those females buddies of his. A dose of his own medicine usually cure the problem! :)

Answer 8

dont feel so insecure about it...he is your husband after all, not your lover who will leave you just like that....may be he just wants to have a good friendship with this girl he chats on the net....dont worry about it...just make him feel that you are the same person he loved and married and you also want some attention of his towards you....every thing will be all right.

Answer 9

I'll confess, I've looked up ex's before, just out of curiousity. I've never called them. Sometimes, you just think, "hey, I wonder whatever happened to so and so." Check his emails though, and the call log on his cell if you can if you notice any other suspicious behavior.

Answer 10

Go to marriage counseling so that you both have to work on the relationship. You can figure out why the internet is threatening to you, and he can figure out why you get so mad.