I would like your honest opinion about something. Would you be upset if your hubby rec'v e-mail from ex-gf?

Question

I've been married 4 mos.My hubby dated this girl before he met me.2 1/2 yrs ago, he moved into apt complex. A few incidents led me to believe she lived around him, but he denied it or beat around the bush. He finally told me last year & said he didn't tell me b/c he didn't want to upset me.We became engaged in Aug'06 & she sent 1st e-mail in Oct..I know this b/c he was reading his e-mail on my computer & I was standing by him.He said it was nothing.I have his password & admit I checked a few times.She sent about 5 from Oct - Jan, jokes, etc.In Jan, we had blow-up when I found out she is actually agent who rented him apt.I was on verge of div b/c he's lied several times about her.I kinda lost it, told him to contact her, tell her to leave him h*ll alone.He was very upset & promised he would.I've checked a couple more times;tonite she sent another-1st since Jan that I know.He read it, deleted it.Almost got div over this& he actually read instead of immed deleting.Am I wrong to be upset?

I think I'm so upset b/c he didn't tell me and she sent it Monday.She still has feelings for him.This is a really big issue between us, but other than that, things are pretty great.i know he loves me, but I have to wonder at times like this.I'm 34, he's 37, 1st marriage for both.I just feel like he's disrespecting me b/c he knows how I feel.I know I shouldn't check his e-mail, but I do plan on telling him tomorrow night what I did,and confront him. My issue is this--he knows how I reacted at the 1st blow-up and he obviously didn't handle it.And, he didn't think I'd find out about this time.So, if I confront him now, and he handles it, this just tells me I can't trust him to be honest w/me.I won't stay in a marriage where I have to look over my shoulder.He is VERY private/secretive, always has been.I take my vows very seriously and this is a HUGE deal for me to even consider divorce.But if he hides this, can I trust him on other things?I told him in Jan to handle it and he didn't.

To answer a couple of your questions, we dated off-on 4 1/2 yrs. We don't live in his apt, we live 35 miles from there. She hasn't work as an agent in almost a year, so they have NOTHING to talk about. Up until this October, he SAYS he hasn't talked to her since first of 2006. He has told me more than once that he wishes she would leave him alone--I think that's easy--either reply and tell her to leave him alone or block her address.

To answer Kitty: He was reading that one e-mail when I walked up to him and saw it, he immediately closed down the entire screen and when I asked who that was, the look on his face was priceless. He said, "Who?" like I hadn't seen it?!?!?! He gave me his password at work one day when he was on the phone with the internet people trying to fix a problem...he thinks I don't remember it. I don't think my jealousy is "insane" at all, he is disrespecting me by keeping in contact with her. I love my husband and would NEVER stay in contact with an ex. His exact phrase to me about her a couple of months ago was "I wish she would die and leave me alone." If he feels this way, don't you think he would tell her this himself and reject her emails. What he says and how he acts are 2 totally different things.

Answer 1

NO I would be upset too. Shes his past and he should let that go now that hes married to you. Okay, so she is the agent who rented the condo to him we'll thanks to her but that's where he should have dropped it. Shes an Ex and he should realize that it is weird for you and he shouldn't be lying to you and sneaking around behind your back. Some people might think its wrong to check his mail. They will prob say hes ur husband and trust him but hes lied to you so Id be doing the same thing. YOU need to put a stop to this your his wife and he needs to choose. Mabey you should write her and tell her to leave ur husband alone. Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

If you've only been married 4 mos and already are having this much doubt and non trust, this ain't very good. I had a situation like this when me and my hubby first got married. I was always a little jealous of his "best friend". Well it blew up one time when i went out of town and when i come back find out he had talked to her for hours on the phone while I was gone. I was very angry to say the least. I made it very clear how it made me feel and that i never wanted him to talk to her again, I didn't care how "close" they were. ( i wrote him a letter, that makes it better sometimes) That does sound selfish but even though the hubby may not have bad intentions the woman prob does and needs to understand he is married so leave him alone. We have now been married 7 years and he has never had any contact with her again. Now that i look back on it i do feel silly and wouldn't care now if he talked to her, but i was newly married as you are and feelings are still kinda insecure as far as marriage goes because it is so new. If he lied to you about it you need to find out why. Don't let this tear your marriage apart it is only a minor thing of what you will be going through together in life. Maybe you should both try some marital counseling to help you get started better. Stop thinking Divorce or you will eventually get one.

Answer 3

No you are not wrong to be upset.This sleaze bag of a woman has no right to be sending an ex bf who is now married any emails. I can see why your husband may have avoided telling you certain things, as he said he didn't want to upset you. Did you follow up and make sure he had informed her that she was not to contact him in any way? He messed up by not just deleting this recent email, but now it's time that he either write her a letter or email her back informing her in no uncertain terms that her emailing him is causing problems with you and that he wants her to stop all communication. If he doesn't want to do this willingly, then you have a problem. p.s. I wonder who the moron was that gave my answer a thumbs down! It's got to be someone who isn't married. And I don't think there is anything wrong with you checking his emails, after all there HAS been an issue regarding them, so I think you have a valid reason to "snoop" if you want. Bottom line is, you are not going to feel comfortable UNLESS and UNTIL he proves to you that he is willing to tell this person to stop emailing him. It doesn't matter how innocent the emails are, it's because it is causing you pain. And if your husband can't be a part of the solution ,then he is part of the problem. Best wishes to you.

Answer 4

No. You have a right to be upset because he lied to you about a few situations. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't have the right. But, just make sure that you don't take this too far because he married you afterall. You have a right to be upset and ask him to stop writing or have her writing him for you as his wife. But I don't think this man would marry you if he still wanted to be with this girl. Unless you find an e-mail that says something crazy like "last night was great", "Dinner or drinks", "When can we meet", don't get bent out of shape too much. Good luck with everything!

Answer 5

Confused,
I'm right there with ya on this! Iagree with you because I had some similar events happen to me also, and I was steaming upset, so you have every right to be!
I'd like to know why it is the men like to say this to get out of a confrontation, "I didn't tell you.......I was afraid you would be upset!"
Well, when you love someone, you don't keep things from them, and I mean, no excuses either!

Yeh, this is a tough situation. Really sounds like something is going on with your Husband but I get the impression that girl is the one who is being the "purseur!" But, whatever it is, shouldn't BE!
My Husband was sneaky like that too and I felt like this was a "Deja-Vu'" when I was reading your question! Same with me, some years back, I too, was lied to about a "girl-in-question", and I got the same stattements as you---------------------
that IT was "nothing", and the body language when finding about the lies several times, about the girl! I heard it ALL!

Well, sounds like you and your Husband need to talk! From all you have said, it sounds just like the way my Husband used to act and he needs to tell you what's on his mind. "Cause, this way is no good for you to live! If you don't go your separate ways, you will build resentment for each other and that's a living HELL!

Tell him it has to be 1 way or the other and he better speak up!


Write me more if you have any other questions. I'd like to talk more.

Answer 6

The fact that you actually have his e-mail password and that he's reading his e-mails right in front of you seems to indicate he's got nothing to hide. People do keep in touch with their former dates - it's a fact of life, and much of the time it is not a big deal. I think you're obssessing over nothing, and are over-reacting big time. Give your husband some privacy, and stop betraying his trust by snooping through his e-mail. I can't even imagine disrespecting my husband by logging into his e-mail behind his back... To answer your question, it would not upset me if I was to find out he received an e-mail from an ex - I trust his good judgement completely, and it would not even occur to me to question his loyalty. I realize that for any adult, the "ex"s will be in the picture in some way, shape or form. I, too, have a "history", and expect my husband to be tolerant and respectful of this aspect of my life.

It can be that you husband has done something very serious to make you question your trust in him. If it is so, you did not mentioned it in your question. Everything you said sounds perfectly minor and innocent; it would do you good to apologize to him, ask him to change his password, and to start respecting him and yourself. Don't let your marriage be plagued by paranoia and mistrust when there are no grounds for it. I can totally understand that any "lies" he might have come up with were mostly to keep your insane jealousy under control. Most likely, he loves you very much, and is willing to tolerate your jealous nature, but he has to protect himself from your outbursts by withholding irrelevant information that might set you off. I'm not trying to put you down, I'm simply offering you another perspective to look at it from. Good luck.

Answer 7

I dont think you are wrong to be upset at all. I dont think divorce talk should be on the table either. You have been married 4 months...it is not uncommon for any guy to be somewhat uneasy about the committment he just made...that is not saying he does not love you whole heartedly but "HELLO" he is a guy. And if you think that he has not thought about the fact that he will sleeping with one woman for the rest of his life, you are mistaken. I would question him about her, not interrogate(sp) see what he is willing to divulge and then see if it is an issue; if it seems to be developing into an emotional thing, that to me is worse than a physical thing so I would be concerned, but if it really is just jokes like you said, I seriously would not sweat it...

Answer 8

Well, he can't control that she contacts him. But he can control what he choses to lie about. And any relationship build on lies will have a hard time lasting.

He's got to decide what's more important - you or his ego. He likes her attention. It strokes his ego. Maybe he needs attention from more than just you, maybe his self-esteem is low, maybe he just likes attention....but if any of these are true, he has to want to fix within him what puts his marriage in jeopardy.

If he wants to make the marriage a priority, ask him to go to marriage counseling with you.

Reading material to consider:
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Dr Phil
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Answer 9

Yes! The fact that he is not being honest with you is the big issue. What else is he covering up? If he had been upfront with you the whole time that would be another story, but this sneaking around thing is NOT cool. Have you thought about marriage counseling? We tried it and it really helped. Good luck and remember, you should be his number one woman to make happy right!

Answer 10

What were the e-mails about? They don't appear to be anything naughty. These are joke e-mails, and general e-mails that talk about her cat (for example) then I fail to see how she is a threat to your marriage. So why are you getting all worked up about it? I think your overreacting. Either you trust him or you don't. You have been to the point of divorce 2 times because of this. Frankly you sound as if you want to divorce him and are just looking for a reason.

Ex's have contacted my husband and likewise Ex's have contacted me. I respond politely and that is all. I tell my husband when one of them writes and he does the same. Then we gossip about what is happening in their lives, and how grateful we have each other and are not with them anymore.