Help! My story needs to come to life!?

Question

Anger , hurt and resentment were all I could feel as walked down the dim lighted hallway in my dorm room apartment. So much animosity was swirling inside of me . It began to swell in my chest and I could feel it began to burn in the pit of my stomach., but I refuse to let the tears fall until I was safely in my room. I couldn’t believe how easy It was to be betrayed by someone you trusted in a matter of hours. What hurt even more was the fact that my roommate was completely oblivious to what she had done. What could I do? Should I confront her? I thought. Though confront her seemed like the best way to go, I strongly began to fear that I would say something that I would eventually end up regretting.
“I trust you,” I remember saying, “I wouldnt be telling you any of this if I didn’t”.
“I know”, she replied . “ Im glad that you trust me , if you can’t even trust your own roommate who else can you trust?”, she then added. I looked at her , thankful that she was my friend. I had just revealed a secret to her that at times I had trouble even admitting to myself, and at that moment it felt liberating to finally have it all out there in the open. Who would have known she’d make me regret every moment of it.
I found it amazing that someone could both surprise and disappoint you at the same time.
I totally expected her to keep what I said to her just between us ,never to be mentioned again. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. What I didn’t expect was for the my other roommate to ambush me out of nowhere. “So, what ? You don’t trust me or something”, she asked very adamantly. I stood there completely surprised by her question and even more surprised by the tone of her voice. “ what are you talking about?” I asked. “ I’ve known you for how many years and this is what you do to me.” “Why haven’t you let me in on this secret?” At that moment I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me ! I stood there with my mouth hanging open, my mind in a million places. I tried to calm myself down, I tried taking a deep breath and counting to three.

Answer 1

Stangirl87 try this as your opening paragraph:

As I walked down the dim lighted hallway toward my dorm room I was consumed with anger, resentment and a hurt feeling that displaced all good thoughts of people I believed to be close with me. Animosity and hopelessness fueled the anger feelings I internalized. Physically, I could feel my chest swell and a fire was brewing within my stomach. Under all of this pressure I maintained my composure and sought the privacy of my room that would later echo the sounds of my tears and frustration. "How could I have let myself become betrayed by someone that I trusted, someone that I opened up to in a mere matter of hours?" To add insult to injury my roommate was oblivious to what she caused inside of me and of the trust that was betrayed. I internalized my thoughts and contemplated, argued, and justified in how I should address this potential “land mine” with my roommate. To maintain my control, composure, and sense of mental well being I was determined not to say something that I would later regret – though confrontation was an option that I later omitted.

Hope this helps your start - keep up the strength you have inside it will get you a long way in the course of your life.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

I trudged down the creaky hallway to my
dorm room door. I fumbled for my keys.
Tears filled my eyes. Once inside, I slammed
the door and flopped on a lumpy red sofa
that looked like a reject from the Salvation
Army.
"Damn," I cried as the tears surfaced. I
walked to the kitchen window and gargled
water. I spit into the garbage disposal and
stared out at the city's smokey skyline. Three
black boys played hoops in the alley, below.
A siren sounded in the distance. I flopped
back to the sofa and beat on the floor until
my tiny fists turned white. "Damn that Karen.
Damn damn damn!"
"Well you mother needed to know," said
Karen whirling through the door like the
first day of spring, "And look at this blouse
I found at Pomeroy's. This is the green I've
been looking all over the city for. I mean it
really goes with my red hair don't you think?"
"My mother needed to know!" I cried, "I tell
you the biggest secret of my life and that's all
you can say. My mother needed to know.
Karen! How could you ! I mean really. How
could you! "

Answer 3

Describe how you and the roommate looked and add some crazy twist. What helps me go into depth and jump out is describing things with exciting words. Try using a thesaurus to help you use crazy words.

Answer 4

i personally don't think you need any help with your story....it sounded really good to me, but maybe you should go into some detail about what that secret is....otherwise its great! I'm writing a story too. it's about this woman who inherits an old Victorian Mansion, and finds a mirror hidden inside a secret room, then in the middle of the night, she awakens to a mans voice, so when she goes to search for it, she finds that it belongs to a man, who is inside of the mirror.

Answer 5

Wait ...wait are you really trying to come out to the world? Don't fool yourself, nobody reads this stuff !!
Okay, so what is the BIG secret anyway?