Am I a horrible wife?

Question

My husband's job requires him to be away from me for months at a time. I love him and we have a great marriage--except that I sleep with another man when he's gone. It's not love, it's not a relationship (although this other man and I have a friendship outside of the bedroom), it's just a sexual release that I can't give myself. I don't feel guilty about my behavior, but it does bother me that I can't tell my husband. His ex had an intimate--both physical AND emotional--relationship with his best friend, and he's never forgiven them. I fear that if I didn't have this arrangement with my friend, I'd ruin my marriage by giving in and sleeping with someone who I would develop feelings for. I talked to a friend about this and we had a huge fight. Now she thinks I'm a horrible person. So I ask you: Am I a horrible wife, rationalizing my pleasure or does this make sense to anyone else?

Answer 1

You are lonely...But, Imust say that intimacy, both physical and emotional outside of the marriage can really cause problems. You need to be honest with your husband about his work arrangement...Perhaps individual counseling for you as well. Long term sexual relationsips often end up as more than a friendly arrangement...and ignore the other idiot who called you a whore....V

Answer 2

You are not a horrible person...you are human, but it doesn't mean it is right. I would have to say what you are doing/the behavior is horrible. I guess the best way for you to look at it is to put yourself in your hubby's shoes and see how you think you would feel if he was out there sleeping with another woman...would you truly be okay with it? Since it sounds like you have easily fallen into sleeping with this other man, and you state that you don't feel guilty about...I think that says a lot about how much or little you value your marriage. Perhaps you are staying in it because you are comfortable financially or for whatever reason, but bottom line is that it is not your place to take advantage or play with someone else's heart...especially because you say this has happened to him before with his ex cheating on him. End the marriage and spare this poor man any added heartache and possibility if ever trusting a woman ever again.

Answer 3

I'm certain I'll get lots of thumbs down for this, but, here's what I have to say. Sleeping with another person could be forgiveable, if you were being honest about your behavior. You're being dishonest with your partner, which is the problem. For a relationship to work in a healthy way, the partners need to be honest with each other, and build a strong and healthy foundation. Talking to your spouse, try working out what your challenges and issues are, and being honest about your behavior and your feelings (like the lonliness you feel when he's not around) and see if you can move forward together as a couple.

Answer 4

It sounds like this is a continuous thing. It's not like you just made a mistake once. I don't know why you don't feel more guilty. If you really love your husband and you really have a great marriage as you claim, you would feel guilty. You need to evaluate not only this sexual relationship, but the relationship with your husband. I seriously hope you don't have kids, but either way, you need to confess and let him make the decision on to whether or not to give you a second chance. If you weren't ready for such a serious commitment, maybe you shouldn't have got married. Maybe you'd enjoy being single again.

Answer 5

You seem to be asking for validation that you're not a horrible person.

I think reassuring yourself isn't going to solve the problem you're in. So while you may be a good person at heart, it doesn't change the fact that you are actively destroying your marriage and hurting the man you claim to love (as well as devaluing your marriage and hurting the other man you're sleeping with as well).

Expecting your friend to act like what you are doing is ok is not fair to her as a person. If she has standards, she is right to tell you that she doesn't think what you are doing is right. Sounds like she was harsh. Maybe that wasn't the best approach, but maybe she was trying to be harsh to give you a wakeup call to the damage you're doing to yourself, your husband, and everyone else involved who cares about you - including involver her.

No, it does not make sense to me, but then I don't believe in hurting others and trying to rationalize it. You didn't ask for advice, but I'll give it anyway: end this affair, never tell your husband that it ever happened and work on improving your marriage, and ask your friend for forgiveness for trying to drag her into this chaos.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Well, we both know thats its wrong what your doing. But you are NOT a whore!! You just have some issues that seriously need resolving. You at least can admit your fault and are looking for help in what to do about it, that does not qualifiy for a whore. You do, however, need to address this thing as some as possible before it DOES ruin your marrige. Maybe you don't have feeling for this other person, but what if they develop for you, and he makes a problem for your marriage. If you love your husband, work this out now!! Its important. As for telling him.... no I don't think that wouldn't be good, but do try your best to cut ties with this other man, and see counsling or talk to your husband about away to satisfy yourself. I'm sure once he knows you need the satisfation and cares for you, you guys will come to some resolution. It does make sense to me, but you have to decide how much you really love your husband and if its worth the risk. Everything comes out in the end and you don't want him to find out about this. So do yourself a favor and stop doing what your doing. The stress is gonna take a toll on you someday. Good luck!!!

Answer 7

You are not rationalizing your pleasure, your trying to rationalize your behavior. I have been in the same situation as you. My husband was in the army and he would be gone for weeks at a time and finding someone to release my sexual desire or appetitie was never even a thought. It seems that your unhappy and it takes a strong woman to be with a man who is not there all the time to give her what she needs. So you are looking outside of the relationship to find it and you should never have to do that. If you stay with your husband you need to find a way to communicate to him what you are missing. When he is not with you, I assume he has no contact with you, and if he does then you need to use that time to your advantatge. Your hurting your husband and your relationship with him and is all this sexual release a reason to lose him over. If not, then you need to stop now and get help. Counseling is there for you to work out whatever you need to work out without yourself and your husband.

Answer 8

He is away making money to take care of you and your home and you screw around on him just because you can't hold off until he gets home. You need to get a grip on it. The so called friend is getting a piece of *** and that is all it is to him. So of course he is going to be nice outside of the bedroom. Your husband when he finds out (and he will at some point!) will and should kick you to the curb. Would you want him screwing someone all the time he is gone? How would that make you feel? YOU have a real problem and need to get it together!

Answer 9

While I understand where you are coming from and understand why you are doing it, I have to say that it is wrong. Your husband has already gotten out of a relationship where he was cheated on. You can bet that he would get out of this one as well. I am going to sound like a b*tch to some people on here, but this is my advice:

Stop it immediatly. Call your husband and have phone sex with him. Confess the sin to God and be truly sorry for it. If you love your husband and want to keep the marriage, then shut up and don't say a word to him. You will have to keep this secret to yourself and deal with the guilt as your own personal cross. If you can, drop all ties with the person you are having the affair with or let him know that you can't continue what you two are doing.

Answer 10

I think everyone wishes things were some other way at some point. When you're single, you might have moments when you wish you were married. And when you're married, you sometimes wish you could do things you did when you were single. But as long as there are a lot more "good" moments than the "bad" ones, I think you're ok. If you went back to Puerto Rico right now, you would probably miss your husband. So... there will always be something you wish you had. Just focus on the positives.

Answer 11

Yes, it is a relationship. How would you feel if you found out your husband does the same thing as you. The big problem is that it's a secret. Secrets have a way of upsetting a normal life style. A successful marriage is based on whatever both people agree to. If you continue what your doing it won't be long your marriage and your life will be a mess.