Stay together for the kid's sake?

Question

I have been married 9 years and have 2 kids. Things were great the first 5 years but after we bought a house my wife had to live under a tighter budget. She spent thousands and thousands on credit cards that I didn't know about. By the time I found out we had to declare bankruptcy.At the same time she had her loser mother move in with us because she was homeless and welched off of everyone else in the family. That really changed my wife. She began to turn into her mother. Sleeping all day, not doing any house work while I worked 10-12 hour days. I feel like she has become a totally different person and it's getting worse not better. I feel like no matter how bad it gets the children would be better off with both parents. We rarely fight in front of them, we are not screamers/dish breakers. I can't believe they would be happier with Mom living somewhere else.

Answer 1

Wow. What a mess. The first thing to do is have a serious talk with her and bring these changes to her attention. The other concern is, she's adapted to the way her mother lives and has lived; like the maxing out the credit cards; filing for bankruptsy; her own mother not able to take care of herself. I would let her know that this really bothers you and that you are both in this together and to get a handle on things. Have a talk with her mother as well; the two of you. I wouldn't be confrontational; just bring issues to the table so they can be dealt with, and try to come up with a plan to get things paid off etc...have her help with living arrangements etc and bills.

It's not fair for you to "clean up" everything from the financial messes or the housework when two perfectly capable people can do the same things; you know?

Answer 2

I believe you're correct. Get some counseling or see your clergy and talk frankly with your wife. Studies have shown that people who were considering divorce (when abuse and infidelity wasn't involved) reported having a happy marriage again 5 years later when they toughed it out. The biggest thing is communication. Tell your wife exactly what is going on, that your marriage won't work if she isn't willing to help, and try and find somewhere else for the MIL.

My parents fought like cats and dogs for a period of a couple years when I was growing up, and while yes it wasn't the happiest of times, they stayed together and worked on their problems, and my siblings and I are forever grateful they did. They have been married happily for 30 years now... I'm glad they didn't give throw 28 good years away for a couple years of bad. We would have ALL been worse off.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Kids are much smarter then you think - they will notice changes. Just because you don't fight in front of them does not mean that don't see or feel the change. Also you aren't showing them what a marriage should really be like - love. This will carry onto their adult relationships. If you love your wife get help - if not then you are not only hurting yourself but your kids. Move on. Good Luck & God Bless.

Answer 4

I wouldn't divorce her just yet. Maybe she's in some kind of depression. I'd tell her that I loved her, but it was time for her mother to go stay some place else for a while. If that didn't remedy the situation, sit her down and have a heart to heart as to what you see, and what could be causing it. If that doesn't work, tell her you're wondering if the relationship may be dead-ended. Maybe she's not aware of how serious the situation is for you.

Answer 5

You should never feel you need to be stay with your spouse for the children's sake. Why? Because it will only make those children miserable seeing you guys unhappy together. Your marriage can still be saved but you need to give her an ultimatum. I don't usually give this kind of advice but she needs to change not only for your marriage but for the children's sake. I know i wouldn't want a mom who was completely lazy and didn't do anything all day and be uncleansy. Tell her she has an example a month to try to change otherwise she can find someone else to deal with her crap. She needs to make alot of effort to change and if she really loves you and wants to be married to you and be a good mom to those children she will straighten up her act she will be willing to make the change.

Answer 6

I'm a firm believer that you should not stay together for the children. Even if you rarely or don't fight in front of them, they can still know that something is wrong.

If your not happy, how can your kids be happy?

Answer 7

Let her know your feelings. If things don't begin to change, then seperate from her and take the kids. If not, it sounds like she would neglect them. Fathers can get custody of the kids as easily as the mothers. All you have to do is show proof. Hopefully she will see what she is doing and try to change for the sake of the marriage and the kids.

Good luck.

Answer 8

My parents stayed together for me. But I think it might have been better for everyone involved if they had split. They didn't fight in front of me either, but I wasn't stupid. When the bedroom door is constantly closed, when they come home from work and my mom is in tears everyday, and when they basically paid me to stay gone on the weekends to keep me from having to be around their drama, I knew things weren't right between them.

Kids know more than you think they know.

Answer 9

Kids know when there is tension in the house. I personally don't think that it is good to stay together for the kids. I stayed with my ex for 26 years because of the children, and after I finally left him, my daughter seemed to do much better in everything-school, her moods, physical health and even emptional health. Gotta choose for yourself, these are just my thoughts.

Answer 10

Before you bail, hon, do yourself, and your marriage a favor, and get a few sessions of counseling, even if you have to go alone... And yeah, living with a parent-in-law in your own house.is absolutely the biggest of bummers. That would be a major biggie for me, too.