Should I confront my husband about somethings my sister-n-law told me in private?

Question

My sister-n-law and I were talking about mine and my husbands financial problems and my proposed solution to them, which is that he deposits his paycheck into my account from now on and I give him a cash allowance. She commented that I needed to make sure that he gave me his check stub. She then said, "Trust me, get the check stub. I can't say anything else, because I don't want to cause any problems between me and your brother, but Mike hasn't been completely honest with you about the whole money issue. In fact, his story to you has not been what he has told your brother." Apparently, there has been some issues going on with my husband and his paychecks, like him saying it was this amount and it was really more, but he just kept the x-tra, or him claiming that his job is screwing him on hours, something he never told me anything about. If I say anything to him about his dishonesty, he will know where I get the info. Should I still confront him and see what he admits?

My husband has apparently told my brother and his wife these things. She wasn't butting into anything. She and I are close, and she knows the financial problems that my husband and I have had. If there is more to his spending and dishonesty than I know about, I think I need to be made aware of it. He will not come out and tell me things about his spending and money management problems, I would have to find out about them and confront him to get him to tell me anything.

Joseph7: I want to control the money so that the bills WILL get paid. My husband has overdrawn his account (We have separate accounts) to the point that he is now over $500.00 in the hole and has blown $900.00 in overdraft fee's. So, that is why I think I need to be in control. Someone has to, right? If he can't then I will.

ShellyB: Sorry hun, but we are way beyond that point. I have trusted him with the money in the past. That is why NOW we have sperate checking accounts. I can't leave him to pay half the bills cause they didn't get paid before. The deal was suppose to be that he gave me 3/4 of his paycheck to go towards household expenses and the other 1/4 was to go for his gas, lunch, etc. He obviously has been actually giving me 1/2 his paycheck and then blowing the 1/2 he keeps, plus some. That is why is checking account is in the hole right now. I have no problem managing my paycheck, and if he can't, then someone has to be the responsible one, otherwise we'll be in debt for the rest of our lives and never have anything. Yeah, your right, there is a trust issue, and we have tried the counceling thing before. But it is not me who has the problem. I have no reason to hide things from him, nor do I try to. He obviously feels he needs to. Male pride? Ego? Who knows.

Answer 1

Well....one idea is that perhaps he borrowed money from the company, and they are taking out a portion as re-payment, and he doesn't want you to find out about that? Some people are just HORRIBLE at managing money, apparently your husband is one of them. It's difficult to solve the problem if he can't control himself, so take away all the control, but FIRST find out the truth. He's probably ASHAMED and afraid of getting INTO TROUBLE, so he's hiding some things from you. Spell it out to him. You will control all the money, work towards paying all the bills, even the ones he is hiding from you. In return he gets a set amount for whatever he wants...make sure you give him as much as you can so that he doesn't feel too emasculated etc. Just don't yell at him when he comes clean, and just don't tell him anyone told you anything, tell him it was just a hunch, or you saw an article online and it made you think of your situation.

Answer 2

Not fair to rat her out. She obviously cares enough about you to let you know. She doesn't deserve that.

That being said, I would find another way to "discover" that his check is more than he claims. Can you stumble upon a check stub? Can you "add things up" when getting your taxes together? Can you check the bank for the amount of the checks he cashes? I'm not sure which way might be best, but try and discover this thing on your own. Maybe trick him or his brother into letting the cat out of the bag?

Best of luck. I would hate to be in that position. I'd have a hard time trusting my husband again if it is true (keep in mind, she has second hand information - which may or may not be true. Is there a chance that he could have said that he does that to his brother and it had no truth to it at all?)

Hope it gets better...

Answer 3

Take a moment. If the accounts are seperate and this is his debt... leave it to him. Sit down with him and pull out the accounts and the bills. Don't use words that place blame.. 'your check[', your accounts' instead approach him as a 'team" Honey, darling, baby, "let's work on this situation, we have got to get it in control; so we can breathe and have some fun again" Pull out your check stub and ask him for his also, because you need an exact amount to calculate from. When you see that he MAY have not told you all, don't get mad. Ignore it and move forward. Don't tell him you will give him an allowance...he did work for his money. Suggest to him how much does he need to 'play' with, smile and be patient. Gently lead him to where you want him to be- beside you thru this issue. Let him know how good it felt to work this out together. Never, make him feel less of a man.

Answer 4

I would confront her there with your husband backing you and do not let her go see her anymore. It sounds to me like she is trying to poison the child against her siblings and i wouldnt allow it. Tell her that after that little episode she pulled that she is no longer welcome to see the girl unless it is in your house with you and your husband present. Then i would tell her that if this kind of behavior continues that she will not see her at all. You cannot put a child in the middle and your retarded sister in law cant seem to get that through her head. DO NOT let her ruin what you worked so hard for in your family. Any adult that does that to children needs to have there heads checked. Have your brother talk to her also and let her know that he does not approve of her actions either. Be the bigger person and dont get into an argument just state the facts and hang up. Good luck hon and keep doing the great job with those kids that we know you are doing.

Answer 5

First off it is tax time so you can figure it out by his W-2's how much he really brings home. Then you can confront him without using the sister-in-law's conversation and causing friction there. Second, he has a problem. If it is ego, gambling, drinking, drugs, or who knows what he has a problem that needs to be handled. IF you have kids then it is imperative that you get a total grip on this. Talk with him after investigating the W-2's. The lies, deceit, and most of all he is not being a real partner to you. Good luck on all of this!

Answer 6

Wow. Ok this is serious. I honestly would call him on it. You don't want to be confrontational about it. But if you need to; ask for his paystubs. If you don't get them for any reason, then it's time to come up with a plan. You will be able to tell by his body language and facial expressions how truthfull he's being. I know this won't be cut and dry, so you'll have to really think about things and what he's doing etc. If you even think there's a chance of something going on, there probably is.

Answer 7

Just ask him to make a budget with you and to let you handle the money for a while. Ask him to give you his paycheck from now on. I wouldn't accuse him of anything or bring up the conversation with your sister inlaw. That would just open up a can of worms and cause familial problems. It will also keep your sister inlaw from confiding in you in the future. If he does agree and you see that his paycheck is more than what he told you it was in the past, cheerfully ask him if he lied to you about his income in the past or did he just get a raise?

Answer 8

It actually sounds as if you have a lot more issues going on in your marriage than just money. Such as trust and respect. I would actually seek marriage counseling or meet with a clergy member who is trained to help. There should not be any reason for your husband to lie to you about money or for you to have to get information from your sister in law. If you are unwilling to go to counseling then I would suggest you not mention it and get seperate accounts and he pay for his portion of the bills and you pay for your portion of the bills and the rest is no one else's business.

Answer 9

Why do you want to control the money?Doesnt the bills get paid?If he cannot manage the money tell him he can set up automatic deposit then they go right in .Tell him its time to start being honest.When a guy starts hiding money its usually because his wife doesnt know how to manage it, or he has a drug and /or gambling problem, or he is keeping up another woman.

Answer 10

Just ask for the paystub like your sister in law suggested. If he gets very defensive about it, that would be your opportunity to confront him on it. Yes, you do have a right to know since it concerns you too but don't break your sister in law's confidence in the process.