I am wrong to be upset, or is my ex-husband just a jerk???

Question

My husband and I have recently divorced. In our shared parenting agreement it states that he get visitation of our 2year old son every other Saturday/Sunday and the holidays are divided, he gets our son on odd numbered years for Easter, Christmas, etc.. Anyway, we are having Easter at my sisters this year and it's a big production with family coming in from out of town. My husband has absolutely no family in the area and in fact doesn't even celebrate Easter. My point is he won't give up his Easter visitation, even though I offered him two extra days in return so that I can take our son to Easter dinner with my family, some of which only get to see my son two or three time a year. I don't understand what is wrong with him that he can't be reasonable and just visit on Saturday instead. Help!!

Ah, racermom, I forgot to add that in the past six months, my ex has manged to miss most of his scheduled visitation. This isn't about him wanting quality time with his son, whom he hardly ever sees, this is about his need to be in control and hurt me. But thanks for calling me selfish.

Answer 1

Unfortunately Exes can be hurtful whether it be a man or woman. I've been divorced for 9 years now, and for the first four years we were just like that. Well I tried to be flexible but he never was. Then one day I asked him a question. I said we got divorced because we weren't happy.... so why are we more miserable now then before (with the frightening and stuff) and ever since that day we have been tolerable of each another. And very flexible to where we go by our schedules not the courts. It is much nicer this way to have a so called happy medium. Ask him and see if it makes a difference, what's the the worst that can happen...he'll get mad. lol sorry sounds like he's there.

Answer 2

He is not being unreasonable. He is asking you to honor the agreement that is legal and binding that the two of you came up with when you divorced.

You think you are right because of visiting family......guess what he is the only dad that your son has and he has every right to have him with him on that day.

If you have family coming in from out of town then I doubt they are flying in on Saturday morning after your son is with his dad and leaving the very next day before your son gets back from his dad's.

I am sure that somewhere in there you can find time for them to have at least a short visit with your son.....who by the way is 2 and won't remember the visit anyway.

Just remember that it is called a "Shared Parenting AGREEMENT" meaning that you agreed to it and now need to stick by it even though you want to stomp your feet and say "no fair, no fair, no fair".

Nothing is "wrong" with him as you so graciously put it but you are being selfish and self centered with no thought to your husbands parenting time or your own agreements.

UPDATE:
I have seen way too many people that pick and choose what they do or do not want to follow in their agreements. Him not choosing to spend time with his son before this weekend is a completely different picture than the one painted before. If he has been a negligent father then you need to take him back to court and either get his visitation changed to "at your discretion" or to once a month so that the visits may mean more to him therefore forcing him to either take an active role in his son's life or get out.

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings but the way it was worded in the beginning sounded as though you wanted your way and because you couldn't get it he was the jerk.

Once again I never meant to offend.

Answer 3

Like the rest of our world most people think that all the reasons there are could be enough for one to negotiate or give away his rights and the truth is that when something is given to a man like freedoms and rights usually in the aftermath of something that was forced on him and not of his liking he will enforce those rights out of principle and rightfully so. Thinking ahead is not something that we do and often times in taking a persons rights give them other rights in the form of a legal document and expect them to give us exception when we need because we did not do that when we forced circumstances on them. He is not a jerk, he does not recognize the value of Easter celebration with your family because it is not his life now and your son is. Even if doing something else besides Easter with his son is his wish, it is also his right by agreement and deserves as much respect as you espect him to have about your Easter. Remember back and are there any times he had a want, wish or need and you told him too bad? Our go around comes when we least expect it.

Answer 4

Well, I have the same arrangement with my ex. He looks forward to his holidays, whether there is any family get togethers or not. Since I signed a binding legal document giving him certain holidays in odd years, I have to respect that, regardless of what plans come up with the rest of the family. However, I am glad to say he is nice enough to be flexilble. There have been times when I thought he was being selfish and a jerk for not letting me take the kids during a holdiay, but he has a right to his days according to the parental agreement. Just hang in there, don't try to break the rules and be as easy to get along with as possible. It will pay off eventually and the two of you will get along better and he'll be more likely to be flexible. Good Luck! (Having said all that, I know the first Easter without my daughter was gut wrenching. I was so depressed, I couldn't walk through a department store and see the beautiful dresses knowing she wouldn't be there to get dressed up for church with me.)

Answer 5

It seems there is a need for him to want to punish you for some reason. Whether it is bitterness over the divorce or something that happened between the two of you before the divorce. Either way it is your son who will suffer for it. I suggest you remind him nicely of his missed time during the year. Now he is NOT going to appreciate that but then say why would he punish your son for whatever his problems with you are? You also need to start documenting when he misses he times in case in the future you need to go back to court and have this divorce decree amended.

Answer 6

Playing with the court order is tough and can cause a crapload of trouble, but he is being a jerk nontheless.

It takes many years to get to the point where parents can just split the time fair and square and be reasonable about the whole thing.

I would suggest the you keep track of the visitation over a period of time, if he misses, write it down. Try to insist that he gets the kids on his time.

Answer 7

He is being a jerk, but there is nothing to do about it. He wants to remain in control and hopes to hurt you. Gotta go by what the agreement says, but you can always hope that if you don't make to big a deal out of it, he will just skip this visitation just like he has the others. Good luck!

Answer 8

Unfortunately, I feel your pain and have little consolation to offer you. The fact remains that the seperation agreement is a binding order and if he cooses to have the kids wash his car on Easter, there is nothing saying he can't. Perhaps the best you can do is inform your family of the holiday rotation and do your best to abide to the terms of your agreement. I get the same nonsense from my exwife and legally, I don't have a foot to stand on. It is petty and selfish, but technically acceptable. Sorry.

Answer 9

He has you and likes the control. Plain and simple, you cant do anything. Hopefully as time passes you both can be able to do what is best for the child(ren) involved. My ex and I are great friends and we are so flexible and our kids are the ones that win. And for me, I am not stressed and angry at him. I hope it does change for you. If you get the opportunity to change weekends with him, dont be tempted to say no out of revenge, make the change if you can and gently remind him that he didnt and it meant a lot to you, so what would you do? By that you make him responsible and in charge. I promise you he will need it some day> Good luck

Answer 10

you are wrong, you went to court and paid someone else to figure out all of this so there would no fighting...why fight....for you till your child is 18 its the rules..the rules say he gets him on Easter doesn't say because your family is coming to town you get them....you are going to have to have a relationship with this man until your child is 18, and then share grand babies and everything else with him. you got divorced so the bad stuff fighting etc. would end..why continue it..just suck it up and be the best mother to your child and let him be the best father..together you both can raise a great kid you can be proud of..instead of a statistic..yeah my parents were divorced that's why i stayed in trouble with the law etc.