Is it cheating if your hubby and you have broken up?

Question

My husband and I broke up October 12. He was not (to my knowledge) cheating on me at that time. I left him because he was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. I left with the intention of getting back with him if he could just acknowledge he doesn't treat me well. Instead, he was cheating a month after our separation. We are going on to the 6th month now and I believe there have been at least 3 women, but he's still smoozing me because I am pregnant with our 2nd child and he thinks if we're not on good terms, I won't allow him to be part of our children's lives.

1. Is it cheating - 1 month after our separation while still in negotiations to get back together?

2. How long do I try to work things out, knowing he's cheating. Pregnant or not, the guy is not trying to acknowledge fault in anything...I need him to treat me like a person! Do you think he'll actually change or is it better for my children to walk away and never look back?

Opinions?

I think it's only fair (to Just a Friend) that this is NOT my fault. You don't ASK to be abused. If he decided to walk away from our marriage, that's his decision, but I think it's pretty presumptuous of you to say it's my fault.

Answer 1

What he did was wrong. Just because you are separated doesn't mean you can have sex with any one you want. That is just another way of abusing you. Personally I would leave him. Oh wait I did! I was in the same situation once. well we weren't married but were together a long time and had a child together. Once he slept with someone else I knew I could never go back to him. Every one is different but I don't think he will change. If he has faced the fact you may leave him and still has not admitted there is a problem chances aren't good. If you do decide you want to work things out,make him take couples therapy, before you take him back. It takes two to make a marriage work. not just you. And make it clear that while you are separated and going to therapy he is not free to date. If he is not willing to do this for you need to find someone who will truly care about you.

Answer 2

1. No, it is not cheating, but pathetic if he claimed he wanted to/still wants try to work things out with you.

2. If he is not acknowledging any fault in anything, there is no hope in him ever changing.

As far as your emotional investment in this man, it sounds like it might be time to walk away from that aspect of it and be free to find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

However, as long as he is decent to the child you do have and wants to be in the life of the child you are now carrying, it would be best for there sake if you could find a way to be on amicable terms with him and he can be a part of their lives. He will always be their father; he does not always have to be your husband.

I left my ex when my son was 10 months old for similiar reasons and although he and I will never see eye to eye, we have come to a "generally most of the time amicable" relationship for the sake of our son and he is good father to him.

Answer 3

Ok, here's my opinon. Keep on running and don't look back.You hit it right on the head as far as him smoozing you because you're pregnant and he doesn't want to suffer any legal consequences. I've been cheated on and during that time, after about a couple of months, they would call only because they were going through a "dry spell" and want to try things again. I didn't given when I realized what they were up too. It is cheating for him to mess around if you aren't legally divorced, you know? I would not take him back.

Answer 4

Extreme verbal and emotional abuse isn't just him not treating you well...it's ABUSE. And remember verbal and emotional is just the BEGINNING, sooner or later he will move on to physically abusing you whether you want to believe it or not.

How do you know he's not going to treat his children like that down the road?

I'm not even going to address the cheating because it's a moot point.

Will he change? Highly unlikely, he sounds like a man who has absolutely 0 respect for women.

If your man treats you like crap while you're pregnant with his child, you leave him and his response is spreading his seed out to 3 other women?!?!

You are a mother, think about if you had a daughter who was with a man like him, what would you tell your daughter to do?

Answer 5

Okay, so you stay with a man that is abusive, for the kid's sake, right? Do you want to teach your daughter how to stay in an abusive relationship with a man? Do you want your son to be abusive to women? My guess is no..... so staying for the sake of the kids is lame and abusive by you. And yes, if you were talking about and trying to work it out, all bets should be off when a man cheats. This loser doesn't want the responsibility of a family. If he is afraid he cant see his kids, tell him to step up to the plate and be a GOOD and Loving father and HUSBAND. I betcha, he can't... Take care of your children. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Yes, because he's legally still married. No one can tell you what to do here. As I see it you have two choices. You work on the marriage and get over the fact that he slept with other women, OR, you get out of the marriage. Regardless of whether you stay together or divorce.
It might be a good idea to see a marriage counselor.

Answer 7

It is cheating. You are/were still married to him and supposedly trying to work things out. He'll probably cheat on you even if you get back together with him. He is not going to change. Abusive people have to go through counseling to change their behavior and he will just abuse you again if you go back to him. He is probably repeating abusive patterns he himself suffered while growing up. I'm afraid you will have no choice but to allow him to be a part of your children's lives because they are HIS CHILDREN TOO! The only way you could prevent him from seeing them is if he begins to abuse them too, in which case the courts will just change his visitation to 'supervised' visitation, where he would have to have an officer of the court or someone else present during visitation. Don't go back to him. He won't change, trust me I know from experience!

Answer 8

Well, seperation... my advice to singles is to NEVER date somebody who isn't officially divorced, and even then beware because (from experience) they can have a lot of unresolved issues.

Seperation and heartbreak: people do stupid things to try to restore their dammaged egos; that's what he's doing, and it belies poor self-control. He's got some growing to do, and it's your unfortunate fate to be his teacher.

According to your description, he has a problem respecting women/partners, so I wouldn't expect him to seek out partners he can respect.

But I am more worried about you provided your description is a good summary: it sounds like you finally stood up for yourself and know you need respect in a relationship. I hope you can still give respect to future partners you might have after your divorce is final, or you will wind up screening out good men (who will either be good at setting boundaries and drop you quickly or be bad at setting boundaries, and you will become the abuser) and then finally wind up with another guy who doesn't respect you rather than being alone.

Good luck to you.

Answer 9

First of all, people don't change.

It's not always considered cheating if you are separated, usually people who are separated do not ever get back together and they need to move on.

If he is a good father you shouldn't keep your kids away from him just because you don't want to see him. If he is abusive towards your kids try to get full custody.

Answer 10

if he is not taking any of the fault, than he obviously sees he is not to blame here. personally i would just walk away, as he refuses to take blame for abusing u, and if he is still cheating on u, it means he isn't trying to do any of the things necessary to reconcile and get your forgiveness. i don't think he will change, based on how he is acting now, not taking responsibility for any wrongs, or the cheating.if he were remorseful it would be different.