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My ex husband has done a 180 after our divorce with his kids. He was the dad always involved when we were married. Since the divorce (7 years) he has had nothing to do with his kids. He lives 20 minutes from them but never has time. He will make plans with them for dinner and then not call with a time or when they call to ask him he says he forgot. My daughter is 20 and my son is 13. They are both very angry with him. Should I talk to him about how they fill or just stay out of this. The ex and I don't get along very well. So having a normal conversation with him is hard to do. HELP !!!!

2007-04-04 09:53:12 · 10 answers · asked by Ann N 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

I would like to let everyone know...that I have supported my kids in their decisions concerning their dad. I don't talk bad about him nor do I say anything when the kids are complaining. Only that I am sorry for their hurt and that he is the one missing out. Also my 20year old daughter has had the conversation with her dad and it normally ends up with her crying and him defending himself without reason. I just want both kids to happy and well adjusted. It is very hard for me to see them hurt. As a mother I just can't understand walking away from your children with so little concern. Thanks

2007-04-04 12:32:34 · update #1

10 answers

Stay out of it. I am so sorry for you, your heart is hurting for your kids.


My parents got divorced when I was five. My birth father skipped town, never paid a dime of child support. Twenty-three years later, we "found" him. We (three girls) forgave him, and tried to have a relationship with him, but it turned out to be largely one-sided. Now I live thirteen miles away from him, and have not spoke to him in three years, and could not care less, it is on him, and he can take that to his grave. Feel free to print my answer and mail it to your ex. The damage he is doing to those kids is unspeakable, they will always have a hole in their life, no matter how well they succeed, because their "daddy" does not love them.


Peace be with you.

2007-04-04 10:18:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

In the case where the children are old enough to speak for themselves it would be if they had a talk with Dad. They need to let him know how they are feeling. He needs to be there for them, but we can't make someone who what they should do. Your daughter is old enough for her to pay a visit to him at his place, that way she has him there and not on the phone. Being in person is much better than phone. If after she talks and he still doesn't change, then it something they will have to deal with. One day he will regret not doing what he is suppose to as far as being a Dad and someone who sets an example for his children. Hopefully she can talk and make him see how bad they feel about not seeing him.

2007-04-04 10:12:48 · answer #2 · answered by Krinta 7 · 0 0

I understand you rpain. I have the same problem with my ex. (divorced 12 years) My daughter's father has never has much to do with her. He has not even talked to her in the past month. I will not confront him about it. I leave it to my daughter, she is 13. So I suggest you just letting the kids have a go at him, tell him how they feel. I know it is hard for you to sit there and "watch" but it has more impact coming from the kids.

good luck

2007-04-04 10:01:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

If you're anything like my husbands ex wife, you might be a lot of the problem.

Instead of obsession about the job he's doing, why not focus on your parenting skills? If you "don't get along" with your ex as you say, why not try to fix that (for the sake of your kids).

My husband has had little to do with his adult children since he divorced their mother for the simple fact that as soon as he saw them, she would literally grill them for information. It was horrible for the kids. Finally, two of the three told her off, and relations with their dad has greatly improved. The third child is a real "mamas boy" and we are doubtful that the relationship will improve anytime soon.

Just watch what you say about their father in front of them. If you have any bitterness or anger, trust me, they feel it. They might be making his visits excrutiating for him.

2007-04-04 10:00:44 · answer #4 · answered by salemgirl1972 4 · 1 0

I had an absent father growing up..went through a time period not wanting to have anything to do with him. But in the end..he's still my father..and that is still their father. It will never change. Keep your opinion out of it..what you say will only end up making you look bad. He'll come around too! We all want connection with our blood. Maybe he's having a tough time right now.

2007-04-04 10:01:42 · answer #5 · answered by justwonderingwhatever 5 · 0 0

Thtat sucks. There is nothing you can do. Just try not to ever talk bad about him to your kids. They dont need the validation from you that their dad is a nim rod. Reassure the kids that you are there for them and then be there.

2007-04-04 10:16:06 · answer #6 · answered by thirdeye67 2 · 0 0

I like Salemgirl1972's answer, and it is satisfactory for what it is. I have an opinion from another point of view. In your situation, either her answer, or mine, or some combination of our answers might help you.

It is really sad that your husband behaves as he does. "Never having the time" is a sign of a pathologically self-involved person. What's more, a person who frequently says "I forgot" when confronted with broken promises is often passive-aggressive and a narcissist as well.

So it is possible you're being a shrew, but even if you are, that doesn't answer the question why your husband wouldn't want to see his children (after all, he could take them somewhere away from you), and it doesn't explain the broken promises.

Passive-aggressive types are usually very hard to talk to about meaningful things, and you can never trust them to keep commitments, even for important things. They often sabotage tasks/responsibilities they've been given, and they have little regard for how others feel. In fact, they often appear to get pleasure out of the pain their broken promises and sabotage brings others. The primary element of the passive-aggressive personality is that they are very ambivalent about commitments--they don't like to be tied down, and their broken promises, excuses and whining are a way to make sure people don't try to obligate them.

So, now what? I have some sorta good news. At 13 and 20, your children are old enough, with your gentle assistance, to handle this themselves. First, educate them on personalities like their father's, at the websites below, or other websites, and/or with a professional counselor or social worker. Personally, I think you can handle this on your own.

Talk to your children about their father's behavior. Tell them that it is normal and okay for them to feel sad, hurt and rejected by his behavior. Tell them they have the right to be in his life or not, as they wish. Explain to them that it's unlikely that their dad's behavior will improve over time, and that if they remain in his life, they will likely be disappointed frequently, but that you will respect their wishes either way.

Know now that there is nothing anybody can do to change your ex-husband's attitude and behavior. That is completely up to him, and it isn't common for people to suddenly stop being selfish and/or passive-aggressive. However, I do think your children should speak to your ex, the two of them together if possible (the 20 yo can protect the 13 yo), about his behavior and how it makes them feel.

For instance, they could say, "Dad, it has really hurt us that you don't want to spend time with us, and that we obviously aren't important enough to you to remember you made a commitment." Your children need to be warned that P-A types have loads of excuses and will deny, deny, deny! So they may not get much resolution from his answers. Sometimes P-As will attack when confronted in such a way. Warn your children of this too, and tell them at the first signs of nastiness, they should end the conversation and leave (this sorta chat should take place in person).

From there, your children can decide if they want to hang with him or not. If they decide not to, they should write their father a brief letter explaining their decision. Don't let your ex hold all the cards here by being the one to keep whip-sawing you all around. You all have the power to refuse him. It's not like your son & dau really had a father to begin with.

If you are or have done anything in the past to interfere with custody and visitation, apologize to your husband and children now, sincerely and generously. You hurt your children more than your husband. Make amends and promise to be nice. You don't have to like him, you only need to be polite, and to keep the children's needs first.

My own father was like this. He really didn't care about his children, but he would never admit it, so he would make promises he never kept, was chronically "forgetful," and was generally snake-ish in behavior. Your children need to understand that this type of behavior is never acceptable, and that they should avoid people who practice it.

Here's a bit of reading on the topic:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

P.S. I noticed by reading that the writers claim they don't know why people become P-A. My experience is that people who become this way were sometimes raised in a strict but arbitrary environment, where there are lots of rules about "proper" behavior, religion and work. Being P-A is a way of claiming that you are following the rules, while not really following the rules.

2007-04-04 10:39:12 · answer #7 · answered by chuck 6 · 0 0

I personally think your kids are old enough to talk to him. Maybe coming from them will show him what a jerk he is, plus keep you out of the middle where you belong. Good luck!

2007-04-04 10:12:59 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

i would stay out, if i were you. they will realize his true colors. the kids are old enough to decide whether or not they want to have anything to do with him. maybe they need to start ignoring him & see how he likes it.

2007-04-04 09:58:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 1

he is rediculous.

does he not know how they feel or does he just not care.

seems to me he just doesn't care, and that is very wrong.

whatever happened between you and him shouldn't make a differance on how he treats his kids.

this is sad

2007-04-04 10:23:53 · answer #10 · answered by myddad 4 · 0 0

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