What can I do? Should I feel bit guilty?

Question

My husbands mother has despised ever since she found out we were getting married and because my husband is white and im mixed blk and white... she vowed to never have anything to do with me or my children, she called me unecesarry names she didnt come to our wedding last june... now Im due to have our first child anyday now (hopefully today:)) mother and son relationship has been very strained since we married, his father and I get on just well he's really excited about becoming a grandfather, but when my husband asked her to be there for the birth of our daughter she told him she would have nothing to do with a multiracial child and to never disgrace her presence with our baby.. this really hurt my husband and his father is really upset that he moved out of the family home into another home that he owns. I feel bad because if we hadnt gotten married a family would have still been a close knit family, I feel like its all my fault.. My husband is clearly upset about the situation

He's hurt and he doesnt want me to be upset so he wont talk about it to me...
I just feel really clueless, like I dont know what to say or do..
Again Thanks

Answer 1

My father was the same way as your mother-in law. My sister had a baby by a black guy and he didn't want anything to do with the child but when my niece was born he cared for her and now my father picks her up and the baby brother and spends the weekend with them. Hopefully she has a change of heart once the child is born. If not it's her lost none on your part. She is going to miss the chance of getting to know a grandchild that her son help create. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

No one in this situation should feel bad but his mother. You and your husband did NOTHING wrong. And don't ever say if we didn't get married they would still be a close knit family. Well first off, you can't help who you fall in love with and she can't tell him to stop caring for you. Second of all, they really weren't a close knit family to begin with because a close knit family WOULD never abandon anyone. My parents would accept anyone I date, just as long as they treated me right and I was happy. That is all that should matter. She doesn't have to date you so why should it matter. She is ignorant and needs to grow up. She is entitled to her opinion but if her son is truly happy she should congraluate him, not make his life harder. You guys are preparing to have a baby, so you have much bigger problems to worry about, than his own mother not accepting you. As far as my advice to you and what you should do, that is tough to call. There really isn't much you can do. Your husband can sit down and talk to her but how much good will that really do? When it comes down to it she will always feel this way unless she has a major life change. If someone is racist at a older age it is hard to change their ways. Sorry to hear that and I really hope it works out. Keep your head up and don't let that witch bring you down. Good luck with your baby and congratulations!

Answer 3

Why would you feel guilty? Look your husband new before you guys got married that she didnt approve so if it was that big of a deal then dont ya think he wouldnt have married you? Ya'll have to be happy to and if ya'll are happy with each other then so be it. Maybe once the baby gets here then she will come around and if she doesnt then thats her loss!! Dont concern yourself with her problems. Your husband is in a bad position, but if his mother really loved him then she would accept the fact that he loves you and you guys are still a family. Even if she never does then she should at least still have a relationship with your husband. Be happy and dont worry about her.

Answer 4

I am old school and married back in 1972 making it a mixed marriage, black man with white woman. Some relatives liked it some didn't. You have to continue on with your husband, and those that treat your child properly, you spend time with them. Those that do not approve of this relationship just always be extra nice to them and as time goes on perhaps they will soften up.As concerns your husbands Father, don't feel guilty that this man has left his wife and moved into another house,maybe this was just the final straw that broke his back. Maybe by the time your child is an adult color will not matter, but then again, my children are now in their 30's and it still does. Just stay positive and Good Luck.

Answer 5

Wait until the baby is born-see if her opinion changes any. If it doesnt thats her loss. If she cant get over her own closed minded ideals and beliefs then she will never know the feeling of having one little girl call her "gramma"
I went through that with my first but it was my own parents that were refusing to have anything to do with the baby. Neither of them would talk to my husband or I until our son was about a month old... Now they wouldnt miss a chance to see any of our 3 kids for anything.
Sometimes it just takes time... But dont worry about her. You have to concentrate on making yourself and your husband feel better - being a new parent is tough enough without someone like your M.I.L stressing you both out.

Answer 6

Your mother in law is the only one that should feel guilty. Apparently the family was only close knit as long as his mother's conditions were meant which really means nothing. She needs to love her son for who he is, not because he does what she thinks he should. She will be the one missing out on a beautiful granddaughter. Don't worry though, if they are as close as you say, she will come around. Some people just don't accept things well. Congrats, Good Luck, and God Bless.

Answer 7

You shouldn't feel guilty about it, although I know it will be hard not to. Some people are beyond understanding, though I am surprised that racism to that degree still exists. I would just cut off all attempts to maintain a relationship with her. Let your husband maintain what relationship he can with his mother, but don't allow her to ruin your family. Its nice to hear that the grandfather is entering the picture dispite his wife's reaction. Not a lot of men would take the steps he did, even if their wife was being a racist.

Congrats on the child.

Answer 8

This is NOT your fault. Your mother in law is obviously a bigoted racist. She has made her own bed now she is going to have to lay in it. Because of her attitudes she is alienating all of her family and before long she won't have anyone left.
I can understand how it hurts you. However don't accept any of the guilt for this situation. Hopefully she will come around but if not oh well. Love and enjoy your baby and know that it is all her loss.

Answer 9

I would feel some degree of guilt for breaking up a family, but on the other hand you cannot control how other people feel. Your husband obviously thought that you were worth the sacrifice and since he cannot revoke his decision, you should make the best out of it and not concern yourself with the other issues. Maybe try to change the mother in law's mind but I'm guessing you've already done that.

Answer 10

You are TOTALLY not at fault.

There's a sense of "I'm sorry" in which one means "I empathize with your sadness", but you have NOTHING to apologize for.

His father is in a tough spot, because the man is obviously torn between his son and decent behavior on the one hand and his wife and "family cohesion" on the other.

The sacrifice you should make of love over principle is, when the time is right, encourage your husband to see his family even if you can't be comfortably included, or if they say totally inappropriate things. Maybe you can even give him absolution if he doesn't stand up for you when they say them. But that's as FAR as you should go.

And by the way, I'm conventionally white all the way, so I'm not speaking here from solidarity with you, except for human-race solidarity.