45 years old, engaged, and pregnant. Had amnio and my baby has downs syndrome. Abort or keep my baby?

Question

I'm a 45 year old single woman, recently engaged, and am now pregnant. This is my third child. My other 2 are 22 and 20. I had amnio, and the tests show the baby has downs syndrome. I now have the toughest deicision to make of whether to continue with the pregnancy or ending it. I've talked to many people and I am torn about my decision not to have this one. My family is mad, won't speak to me My fiance has never had a child, this would be his first. He is very supportive with my decision, but I feel so confused and emotionally drained, I want to get other's opinions on it. Has anyone else been in this predicament? What did you do? Please help!

Answer 1

I've never commented or answered on this site before, but i saw your post and thought about it for a bit. I've never been in that situation. I'm trying to imagine what you must be going through. It is a very tough decision. Weigh the pros and cons of each.

First, and most important is your own moral beliefs. I know some people who would not be able to live with themselves if they got an abortion. If this is you, or if you would feel bad about it, then perhaps you shouldn't because you will live in guilt that you impose on yourself, and you don't want to do that.

If you are ok, then move to the next part of your analysis. Cost/benefit analysis. How important is it to you to have this baby? Are you ready and willing to take care of a baby with Down's syndrome? That will be very difficult, he will not have a normal life, he will have a difficult time adapting to society and may be dependent on your for the rest of his life. You need to consider if you will be able/willing to handle this.

Other options, I understand you are 45 and chances for children decrease by the year, yet you and your fiance could go to a fertility clinic and get in vitro since it sounds like he might want a child of his own. So this won't be your last opportunity to have a child, there are more opportunities despite your age.

But, if you really want to have this child, then have it. But really research you situation before you make that decision, your life with be drastically different.

I cannot tell you what i would honestly do in that situation, but I don't think i have the strength and patience to raise a child who will have a difficult time functioning in society and never really be able to succeed. I think that would crush my heart to see my child go through life and pass him by. I don't know.

Just think about each decision, what you might regret, and what you are willing to live with. You can still have another child if you want.

Answer 2

Okay first of all can you deal with the pressures that this is going to bring you? A down syndrome child is a big task to take on. If you belive in God he never gives you more than you can handle! I suggest that you think it though for you and not what any other JOE BLOW ON HERE THINKS. This is your life and your choice. I am against aborting a child but I think it if a health risk for you or child then it's the mother and fathers choice. I agree that aborting a baby has a lot of mental guilt with it but again this is a cruel world and d. s. babies and children are wonderful. The don't know how cruel the world is and have such compassion for life. On the other hand momma you have to choose if this is some thing you can handle. Make the call for yourself! You can always get pregnant again if you should decied that's not a task you wish you tackle. Good luck and remember no one is in your shoes to say what they would or wouldn't do. Good luck with what ever your choice is. :)

Answer 3

I am assuming that because you have had an amnio you are at least 18-20 weeks pregnant? Abortion at this stage is a major procedure, both physically and emotionally. Especially where you have had two children already.. is that something that you could choose without regret?
If you truly feel that you cannot raise a child with down's syndrome, then why not give birth to him and give him up for adoption? Many couples would be thrilled to have a child with down's syndrome, just for the joy of raising a child.

Answer 4

Since this is such a personal and very hard decision to make, I would suggest that you see if there is a Down's Syndrome support group in your area, and also get online to look at links. You should only talk to women who have had a child with Down's. This way you will know first hand what is involved in having a baby with Down' Syndrome. All babies are God's blessings, and your's will be no different. I wish you peace as you look for the answer to your question.

Answer 5

first of all, i am so sorry that your family is not being supportive.
i can't even imagine what you must be feeling right now. as much as i want to say "don't abort" and go on to tell you how wonderful and loving downs syndrome children can be, i can understand why you would want to go ahead and let this baby go. it's a tough decision to make, and it's not exactly like you're getting any younger, right?

i think first of all you need to sit down with your fiance and discuss the challenges a downs syndrome baby will bring with him/or/her.. you need to realize that having a downs syndrome baby is a lot of work. more or less than a baby without downs syndrome, really depends on the child. as every child is different, but the reality is that, you will need to be much more involved in your child's life and growth than you would need to be with a baby that does not have this condition. if the two of you together think you are prepared to handle a child like this, than go for it! on the other hand, if you don't think that you could handle it.. weight out your options and do what you feel is best. either way, i wish you luck in whatever you decide.

there are a lot of support groups out there that you could possibly benefit from speaking with... people who have endured what you are going through - that may be able to answer any questions or concerns you have now, while you are making this decision, perhaps you could contact one of them and discuss the situation you are enduring with someone?

here's a link to a website that has a very resourceful list of groups available...if you're interested.

http://www.supportfind.com/category/down01.asp

be well.

Answer 6

I have a cousin who has down's syndrome and she is wonderful! She is so smart and loving and funny. There is absolutely not one ounce of negativity or hate in her body. She works full time doing her own business even. They have so many programs out there for special needs children. That is how my cousin got her own business....making stepping stones. I couldn't imagine our family without my cousin. She has such a positive outlook on life and it rubs off her and onto us when we have family gatherings. I can't answer whether to keep your baby or not, only you can answer that. I just wanted to tell you about the love I have for my cousin and the love she has for the world. I hope the decision you make is the right one for you! I also want to add that these children don't cost anymore to have than a "normal" child. They have FREE programs out there to help the parents. Not only that, my cousin went to public school! She even graduated from high school....she was 21 and it was the proudest moment for all of us. It's not a "disability" as people are referring it to. It's a syndrome and it has not stopped my cousin from leading a normal life. The only thing, my cousin still lives at home and she will be 30 this year. Not all Down's Syndrome children will stay at home. Look at the show "Life Goes On". He became an actor....probably made more than any of us have!

Answer 7

Wow thats is a large decision. You have 3 other children correct? Have the baby, yes he or she may cost time and money but what child doesn't? If your fiance is supportive he'll love the child too. Down syndrome children are truly angels. They know no wrong. They love with all their heart and will do anythign to please you. That child will be blessing to you. Its a gift from God, a special gift. Don't kill a child just because he or she isn't what society considers "normal" There are specialists and great improvements in science and the world that can help you with him or her. Think about this, God gave you this child for a reason, not a burden. He or she will bring you more smiles and happiness than you can see right now. You're never given more than you can handle, and deep inside you know this child will bring you great joy, it will be along road but well worth it. Good luck.

Answer 8

please don`t have an abortion just because the test came back positive, that still your child growing inside of you, because a child not perfect does not give us the right to have an abortion, plus it might just be a mild case. I know a girl that aborted her baby at 8 months because she was told the baby had down syndrome, after she had the abortion the ran test and found out there was nothing wrong with the baby. Doctors do make mistakes and some test give false result. your child still has a chance of coming out health and even if he or she is not health the deserve your love. Or give the baby to couple that take in children with disabilities who would love them and treat them no different

Answer 9

OMG PLEASE DO NOT ABORT!!!

My 6 year old son, Ryan, has Downs Syndrome. Your question just caused my heart to sink.

Ryan is the center of my universe...he is my reason for being here. I am 40 years old and always wondered at my purpose on this planet...Ryan is the answer that I was seeking for so many years. He is completely dependant on his mom and dad and probably will be for the remainder of his life..but thats ok because everytime he smiles at me my heart swells with joy. Because he is disabled he will not be burdened by alot of the hang-ups that non-disabled people have. His heart is so pure.

Ok..enough of the emotional part. My wife was 38 when we had Ryan. She had an amnio and they also told us that there was a high probability of Downs. We decided that no matter what we would not abort. The day Ryan was born it was confirmed that he had Downs. After I comforted my wife I went to a hotel room for the night while my wife stayed in the hospital with Ryan. I sat there alone and thought. I was so confused. I called my mom to let her know that she had another Grandson. As I started to tell her about Ryan I immediatly began cry like I've never cried in my life..straight up loud, sobbing, crying. I finally got to sleep that night. I awoke the next morning and I felt renewed...I felt strong...and I felt happy. I decided there and then that we had been handpicked to care for Ryan...he was going to be born regardless....we were picked to be his parents.

I am not a religious person and I am certainly pro-choice. I do believe in karma and a grand plan of sorts.

Ryan is exactly where he should be and is with two people who will carry him through every trial and tribulation that life can through at him. We are his champions and he is our cause.

I believe you can contact me by looking at my profile...please do so and we can chat.

Please consider my words and good luck

Answer 10

Wow that really is one of the toughest decisions. I agree with what someone previous suggested -that maybe you could go to a center and meet with children who have Downs Syndrome and that could help you make a better educated decision. I can really see both sides- wanting to give a child life and love. Im also not against abortion - It takes a pretty strong person to have to deal with a disabled child and you musnt be guilted into your choice.