Wife started sleeping around after I confessed to her about my past.. what to do??

Question

I'm 33, shes 31. We've been together since I was 18 and she was 16. Married for almost 8 years now. Two beautiful little boys and more or less things between us havent been that bad.

When we first got married she always thought I was too flirtatious and assumed I fooled around on the side. I didnt - but because she felt this way she withheld sex from me every so often. Sometimes for 2,3, or 4 weeks at a time.

After begging, pleading, and trying to convince her I was faithful - I got tired of it and 8 months later really did start seeing other women for lack of what I wasnt getting at home.

Well.. I was with 4 women a total of 8 times over the course of 5 years. Seeing how this wasnt the way I wanted to live life, I confessed in November to my wife to clean my soul and be honest with her.

After 15 years of being only mine - she started chatting online and meeting up with guys for sex. Shes very involved in this now with no end in site no matter what I say. Help...

I'm 33, shes 31. We've been together since I was 18 and she was 16. Married for almost 8 yrs now. 2 beautiful little boys and more or less things between us havent been that bad.

When we first got married she always thought I was too flirtatious and assumed I fooled around on the side. I didnt - but because she felt this way she withheld sex from me sometimes for 2,3, or 4 weeks at a time.

After begging, pleading, and trying to convince her I was faithful - I got tired of it and 8 months later really did start seeing other women for lack of what I wasnt getting at home.

I was with 4 women a total of 8 times over the course of 5 yrs. Seeing how this wasnt the way I wanted to live life, I confessed in November to my wife to clean my soul and be honest with her.

After 15 yrs of being only mine - she started chatting online and meeting up with guys for sex. Shes very involved in this now with no end in site no matter what I try. She refuses counselling. Do we divorce? Help.

Should I wait this out or file for divorce... ?? Will this end ?? Will she return to herself again??

Answer 1

The biggest mistake you made was in confessing to her what you did, that was a turning point for her, because maybe just maybe, she had always wanted to do it but, she had held back, thinking that her mate, was faithful to her. But that was just an excuse on her point, because I think that she was already sleeping around when you were doing it as you thought behind her back, a Woman who disregard her Marriage vows is never going to find satisfaction with anyone, and is never going to be happy If she slept around as my Mom used to say with every, Tom, Dick and Harry, then my advice to you is to get a separation between you two, and if that does not make her aware that the only one she is hurting are her Children, then get a Divorce, because she is never going to change, she has decided that she likes what she is doing then, stop torturing yourself, and leave her, she has decided this a long time ago, and really she does not Love you and never has. The ones who are going to suffer are your kids, or maybe, they already are suffering. Above all else, ask for custody of your children, because she is not a good role model for your kids. Next time when you decide that you want to get Married again, be faithful and loyal to your mate.

Answer 2

You cheated on her. You give a reason why you cheated on her. She cheated on you - I'll bet she could give a reason why she cheated on you. What is the big difference here? You say there is no end in sight. Was there ever any end in sight when you were cheating on her? You talk about wanting to clean your soul and be honest with her. Well, that must have hurt HER quite a bit, although you felt cleaner afterward. Every six months or so you had sex - it averages out to be that - but you think she's out of control. She just has a different style, that's all. You say things haven't been 'that bad' - sounds like what someone says when they leave a restaurant where the food was so-so but they know they can always go somewhere else to eat. Which metaphorically you did!
Unless you two get some serious marital counseling, your marriage may be over. Because you both cheated, maybe your marriage can succeed. At least the goose and the gander are dealing with the same problem.

Answer 3

Awww...man. This really sucks. Once trust is lost, it never really comes back. A semblance of it can come back, but not the full deal, for either of you. Do you have a chance at saving your marriage, possibly. I will suggest a link below that has a weekend course for each of you to take at different times. However, the children are going to be key to getting her back if possible. No woman wants to hurt her own kids. Obviously she doesn't think that you'd have a chance at keeping the kids if you got divorced. So she has that security that she can do the same thing without worries. Since you confessed, you will need to have proof of her indiscretions also. I know that sounds mean, but a court isn't going to like that she's gone wild when she was cheating, but when you cheated, you were still responsible and took care of your family without causing all the discord in the house. Then sit on the proof. Make her take counseling if she still loves you, the kids, and her life. If she throws divorce in your face, be prepared to fight for your kids. Do you want the kids with Mom when she's going wild and lashing out at Daddy? If you want to make it work, then make it work. If you do make it work, and you guys are still having sex together, make sure you put a condom on EVERYTIME NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS. Trust will have to be earned back on both sides if you do want this to work.

Answer 4

Well,I'll tell you... my husband and I have been in the same situation except we are older. He had a few affairs I caught him in the last one two years ago. It devastated me and I have just the last three months finally been able to really trust him and stop having triggers that would start me thinking about the affair all over again. I on the other hand being home at night alone as he worked the night shift got into chatting and e-mailing other men. I also got brave enough to put a profile on Adult Friend Finder. I did meet one man but nothing came of it we did e-mail back and forth for many months. I think the reason I did that is because I felt unloved and needed to see if I was still attractive enough to catch another mans eye. And I also think that in the back of my mind that I had been getting some revenge on him. I never slept with anyone but that one man I came close. I have been married 30 years. We worked it out..It took me so long to do it. I screamed,cussed tried to hurt his feelings on purpose and even flirted with other men in front of him. This is not the real me,I would have never done anything like this before,I just freaked out I guess. We stood by each other tho and pledged that no matter what we would fight to stay together. As my husband said "Through thick and thin no matter what we can survive this. And we have. We are so happy now. Don't give up!!! If you truly love this woman don't give up no matter what. I bet she loves you too but is so hurt still that she is unsure of herself and has low self esteem right now,she is running scared,she is fragile believe it or not and thats why is is throwing herself at these men. She's going to cry at times too. Its going to take time for both of you to get your heads above water.. Is she having sex with you at all now? Just be there for each other,hold her,tell her you love her,and the most important thing is don't lie to her about anything that happen,she'll have questions.. tell her the truth and be honest and open and I am sure it will get better. She is thinking what the other women have that I don't. What did they do for him that I don't. Am I not good enough for him. Why would he do this to me to us. How could he be so weak. And why didn't he talk to me and make me listen. Don't get rid of the computer,if you do then that will make her think you don't trust her. She'll stop all this online stuff. One thing I became obessed with online was searching for websites on affairs and why they happen.. this went on everynight for a year. I just had to know what it was that cause my husband to do this and if he did this could he love me and still have a affair. I learned alot about how men think and feel about sex and I am the better for it. Be ready for the long haul on this because it is going to be the hardest thing you two have gone through so far Love can out weigh anything. Good Luck

Answer 5

Yes what you did was wrong. But what she is doing is just as wrong. You admitted your mistake and now she has gave you a cold shoulder and continued her life without you. Here's what I would do...tell her this is your last chance we either go to marriage counseling , or you get some kind of counseling or we are over. I went through something similar except I did not cheat..I fill that two wrongs do not make a right... if she decides what she is doing is what she wants then get out of this asap. By the way remember this if you sleep with her you sleep with all the men she is sleeping with and all the other women those men have had. I would hate to see her give you something that you would have for a life time.....Best of luck to you....

Answer 6

My advice would be to either see a therapist or get a divorce! She hasnt trusted you from the very beginning so getting married probably wasn't a great idea. You guys have alot of issues. There are so many STD's that have no cure on top of the ones that are curable it's almost nasty to think about. No one should ever sleep around and you shouldnt have slept around to prove your wife right! She was also in the wrong for accusing you and then with holding sex because of a suspicion. Get rid of the computer and get a counsler if you want to try to save what you have. You two should've grown up alot more before deciding to get married!

Answer 7

I don't think that you should file for a divorce I think that you should wait it out. I know what she is doing is not right but you did it to her and she did not file for a divorce. Always remember what goes around comes around and even though two wrongs don't make a right it sure does make it even. Give her some time to get over it because I'm sure she's doing it to get revenge and to make you hurt like she has. Take it from someone who has been cheated on that once someone that you have love and given your all to betrays you like this it takes everything in you to not want to hurt that person as bad as you can. Right now she is just hurt and the only way she know how to deal with it is to give you a taste of your own medicine. I know this is no fun but you must stick it out. She may stop today or it may take her 5 or more years like it took you to stop. Good Luck!!!

Answer 8

Well, you started the nonsense when you went outside of your marriage for whatever reason. But that doesn't make what your wife is doing right. When y'all took your voes it was for better or for worse and I'm sure it don't get no worse than this. If you two truly love each other than there is a way to work it out. You should hang in there because even though your wife didn't;t know what you were doing at the time she was there ans she hasn't left you yet. She is hurting and this is how she chose to express it. You said that she was only yours all those years, how do you think that she felt about knowing that you were supposed to be all hers and you were out giving her stuff away. It works both ways so just hang in there.

Answer 9

I am really sorry for your situation. The vows of marriage are christian vows.....and divorce is permissable if a spouse breaks the tie that binds the husband and wife by adultery.

Honestly, you broke the binding tie between you earlier. There were other choices back then that you should have made.....(not that I am judging you, but just that I am understanding how you got to where you are now).

I have freuently told my husband that if he ever cheated on us, I would not be able to continue in our marriage....because I take the vows he gave me that seriously. I am also very concerned about what disease he could unknowingly give me.....some dont wash off. In your situation, both of you have comitted the sin and broken the marriage.

If the two of you could retake your vows and recommit to the marriage from scratch, then healing could take the place of damaging. If your wife is not as interested in saving your marriage, then I would seriously consider the consequences of her actions that could personally impact you, and make a responsible decision. While its true you should give your children a family life, it is not true that a dillusion constitutes a family......Be honest with yourself.

Answer 10

Two wrongs do not make a right. You were wrong to cheat and now she is using that over your head as an excuse for her to do the same. I am sure you have tried to talk to her. If she will not go to counseling with you and both of you put this behind you then it would be best to end this relationship now. Your children do not need to be seeing this kind of behavior. I think its time to cancel the Internet for awhile, but even doing that will not stop her from cheating if she has her mind made up. I wish you the best and feel confident you will do what is right for all concerned.