Anyone thats been cheated on HELP!?

Question

My wife had a 18 month affair, she said she was used and dumped. I love my wife so much for 25 years and 4 children.She confessed and begged for my forgiveness. I've forgiven her but I can'nt forget. Its been 8 months and I still think about all the time they spent together. I know what kind of a lover she is and its killing me. My mind sees ever act they did all the time they spent together and then she'd come home to me. Tell me please how long is this hell in my head going to last ? HELP ME PLEASE

Answer 1

I feel so bad for you... While I haven't experienced the terrible betrayal that you have, I have been cheated on in a past relationship. I understand exactly what you are saying about the thoughts and feelings that you have. After 25 years, I can't believe that she did that to you. That's devastating and disgusting to me and I don't even know her! But, honestly, if you really, really, truly love her in your heart and you just can't be without her, and most importantly, you feel that she is really disgusted with herself and would NEVER do that again then, please seek out a good counselor and they really can help you fight those feelings. But, she needs to see a counselor too. Honestly, in the end, I couldn't stay in a relationship where the partner has cheated. In my head, and from experience, I think that if someone does that to you once, they will do it again because of a problem or need that they have. I wish you so much luck with your marriage. But, in my opinion, I could never trust her again or look at her the same.

Answer 2

First off, sorry to hear that, I really am thats horrible of her. If the affair was 18 months she wasn't used and dumped that excuse only works for like 2 week relationships. This lasted well over a year. 18 months of her cheating on you lying to you to the kids about a lot I'm sure. and 25 years of marriage is a long time. Did you ask her why she did it? Get to the bottom of it, try counseling or talking to a close friend or family member for help. Or get back at her as vengful as that sounds, divorce and full or joint custody of the kids. Its a bad thing to think about but whats worse the next years of you thinking and thinking about what she did while you lye with her night after night or doing something about it? Don't just let her get away with a "your forgiven" she cheated, thats breaking one of the 10 commandments...ADULTERY...therefore she'll pay one way or another but I just wouldnt forgive her that easily. Thats a big dent in a 25 year marriage. Find out why she did it and dont let her give you that BS that she was bored with your marriage she could have talked to you if you have questions get answers you deserve that much

Answer 3

Been there done that.
You are a big hearted man. Your wife is lucky to have you as a husband. But you are not quite lucky to have her as a wife. I have forgiven my man when he was caught, but I was never able to forget. Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is the hardest. You asked "How long?", I am sorry to say this, but "FOREVER". You will never forget this and it will eat you up for the rest of your life. I can't believe your wife just throw away 25years of love and trust for 18month affair. Foolish...foolish of her and have a ball to confess and ask for forgiveness. If your wife wasn't/didn't get dumped, I am 100% sure that the affair would have gone for long long time. I don't want to suggest you getting a divorce over this but how about couple therapy? Think about it...you really need to let this out before you drive yourself crazy!

Answer 4

It's going to last a long time unless you get professional help. Forgiveness should include counseling to rebuild trust and heal the betrayal.

However, your wife is playing the victim "I was used and dumped." Hello? She made a choice every day for 18 months to continue the affair. She will say anything to justify her choices and behavior.

There is some good support available at this Betrayed Spouse Support board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery

Answer 5

If she had her way, the affair would still be going on. Some guy used her for sexual purposes only. Now he's moved on to someone else...someone new...a new challenge.

Too bad your wife took the affair...the extramarital relationship so seriously. Guess she got swept up in the hot steamy sex. The guy she was with is hung like a horse and I guess he knows how to use it too.

Good thing your wife had you to fall back on. Oh well, nothing lasts forever. At least she has all those steamy hot sex memories to look back on. If you don't mind, will you ask your wife if that guy is really as huge as they say he is? I'm curious.

Answer 6

18 mos is a long time. I don't think it will ever go completely away. Only time and god will help. You also need to deal with the issues in your relationship that "caused" her to cheat. I am not ,by any means, saying she had a right to go outside of the relationship, but obviously something was missing. She lied to you for over a year and only came back because she got dumped. I would be very concerned. Please seek counseling. And give yourself a break, eight months is a short about of time to deal with this type of betrayal.

Answer 7

Honestly, if it is still bothering you now, you have not forgiven totally. A part of you is still "grieving" over her infidelity.

If both of you are giving it a shot, try talking about the happy stuffs. For example, revisiting your dating days with her. Or chatting over the arrival of all your 4 children etc.

Seek counselling too. So you know what you have to do, and in return she knows what she has to do to rebuild this union and the trust.

If all else fails, leave her. That will spare you the mental torture. But keep this as a last resort.

Answer 8

Oooooh

Hard question to answer.

There's never a right or wrong. Which ever way you go you will look back occasionally and ask what if ...

The trouble is, this hell in your head is going to last longer the longer you take to sort it out.

You need to make a decision one way or the other and then get on with it - either rebuilding a relationship or getting on with your life in other ways.

If I were you, I'd go and talk with my friends. Talk with anyone who's opinion you value. Family ... a counsellor ... whatever.

Then mull it over yourself a little. Don't take their advice and just act on it. Have a bit of a think.

Then make your decision and get on with it.

Good luck!

Answer 9

I really feel for you. I have been exactly where you're at in life because it happened to me 8 years ago. It drove me crazy wanting to know details about what they did....I finally just sat down with my husband and told him that I had forgiven him, but that I needed to hear details, however difficult they were to hear, to get over the affair. He reluctantly told me to ask any question I wanted to and he would be honest with me. It was hard to hear, but I learned a lot about WHY he did it. Most often it isn't about you, its about them! They are the one who is trying to fulfill a need that they are not allowing to be fulfilled in life. Talk to your wife and let her know how you feel. Perhaps she will go to counseling with you. It sounds like she wants the marriage to work just as much as you do. If she loves you like I think she does, she'll do whatever it takes to mend your heart.

Keep your chin up!

Answer 10

im really sorry to hear that...there is no set time to tell when all of this will end...it may be months, years...if u wanna still be with ur wife them maybe counseling will help both of u guys...if that doesnt work and u cant develop any trust at all then its gonna drive u crazy and ruin ur relationship...u either have to get over it and try to move on or juss get a divorce...i wouldnt be able to stay with anyone who has cheated on me though...