Older married husband in strip club?

Question

It wasn't his character to do that. He witheld the information and I found out about it on an A.T.M. reciept. He said he used the money to loan his coworkers for them to get a lapdance. Him and his friends are all in their fifties. Prior to this incident we discused him staying out of those places. I am hurt over this . We always seemed to have the best relationship, and a great sex life.The girls in the stripclub are young , and beautiful. how can a woman my age compete with that. I work out at the gym, but I'm older. the women at the stripclub are younger than my daughters., and we have grandaughters.What does this say to me? We are in a second marriage. He said that his coworkers forced him to go. We did get some counseling over it, but it still has made me look at him differenly. I feel cheated on.....because he wasn't honest, it makes me wonder if he has done other things behind my back..... I was out of town when he went. I am so suspicious now. how do other older women feel?

Answer 1

I am not an older woman but if this was not in his nature to go and this was a one time thing, I would give him a break on this.

I am sure you have done a thing or two over the years that you have been married that you didn't tell your husband about either. If he's been a good man the whole time that you have been married then ease up on this.

You could have much bigger issues.

Answer 2

I would feel the same as you do. It's hard to get trust back once you catch them in a lie. He knew he was wrong to go or he would have been up front about it and we both know he wasn't "forced" into going. He went when asked. I also know how you feel about not being able to compete with the younger women - but here's the reality - we shouldn't have to compete with the younger women, our husbands' eyes should only be on us but today, well - men are encouraged to look and look and look and society tells them it's harmless and we are the ones with the problem. We are being ridiculous and jealous and should just knock it off - they are only looking. Yeah, right. Ask him what he was thinking while he was only looking and you'll see what a lie that is. Oh, but thoughts don't count - everyone has fantasies! You see, society has let men do this and have justified it for them - and you know what the kicker is? They blame it on us - it's our fault they do it and it's womens' fault that they strip, pose, have sex on video, etc. . . . Men are visual creatures and because they won't control it - they ruin relationships and hurt the women they love as we want to be the person they look at. These days, we compete with everyone else. It's a waste of time, really.

Sorry - I'm sure this didn't make you feel better but I understand how you feel - I work out, too and take care of myself - but I'm not in my 20's anymore, I'm in my 40's and sometimes I think why am I doing this? My husband doesn't work out, he doesn't try to make himself look good for me?
It's crazy, huh?

You're not alone.

Answer 3

Well your feelings are partly justified. Simply put you should lay down the law on this one, tell him that if he goes he should be honest, and you'll be less hurt than if you find out later on that he was hiding something. Tell him it's like how he'd feel if he found out you were going to stripclubs, and if it doesn't phase him, tell him women's strip clubs have younger, more muscular men and it's far more hands on than any male stripclub is allowed to be. Don't chastise him for going, instead chastise him for lying about it.

Next, stop being insecure. Just because he's looking at other hot women doesn't mean you're not a hot woman. He probably eyes you up quite often. If you feel he isn't, change your wardrobe a bit. Remember men are visual, far more than women. That's why in male stripclubs they just watch. Keep in mind that he probably wants to see your curves, and especially your confidence.

Another thing to do is try a stripdancing class at a local gym, then show your stuff to him. If nothing else it'll give you both a little giggle and a little perky boost.

So that's all the advice I can give you. Again, the stripclub itself isn't bad, and you shouldn't give him trouble for it, because it doesn't mean he finds you unappealing. You should just tell him you do not like lies.

Answer 4

No offense but you are being foolish. Unless he has sex with her, he didn't cheat on you. You have nothing to worry about with him visiting those places, strippers are not hookers. They don't sleep with the 50 year old customers, if they did they wouldn't be working in a strip club. The other thing is you shouldn't be worried about comparisons. Just because he is looking, doesn't mean he is comparing.

Now what you do need to worry about is cost. This habit is very expensive and not a good idea for him. You are better of striking a deal with him going just once in a while instead of telling him he can't at all. Most guys stop going after a while, you might just be better off letting him get it out of his system.

Answer 5

His friends made him do it? Get real! I do not think it was wrong for him to go, but I think it was wrong for him to go and not tell you or invite you. I think it incident is being blow out of proportion i really dont feel that going to counsiling was necessary, from the way you describe yourself your husband seems attracted to you so there should be no worry for him cheating on you, going to a stripper club dosent mean he's cheating but if you find him alone with another women outside the strip club then i'd re-evaluate the marriage.

Answer 6

i'm really sorry to see you're hurting over this.

first of all, no one can force your husband to do anything he doesn't want to do.. why would a person actually believe he was forced? that's a load of crap.

secondly, men like the visuals, and some men do go to strip clubs once in a while. that doesn't mean you are "competing" with these girls -- he married you, and he must be satisfied with you as a wife, woman and person.

just because your man is like thousands of others, who like to "look" doesn't say anything "bad" about you. in fact, it has nothing to do with you... testosterone is a powerful thing!

and some women can't take it when their man goes to a strip club, or looks at other women... they all look, and those who don't are dead.

it seems as if you have to re-develop trust in your husband again... if you don't trust him, what is the use?

i'm not married, and my boyfriend is rather a homebody. but if he decided to go to a strip club once in a while, i don't think i'd be suspiscious, unless he suddenly went all of the time, or started being out in the evenings often.

if you can't get past it, i guess it's time to take care of you and figure out what you want and need.

sometimes we have to do what's best and take care of ourselves.

hugz

Answer 7

You have nothing to worry about....trust me. If the strippers are young and beautiful, what would they want with a 50 year old man? As far as his co-workers "making" him go, that's a bunch of crap. Have a talk with him and ask him to grow up. He's wasting his time and money on those strip clubs. Without trust you won't have much of a relationship so either try to have an adult conversation with him regarding trust or move on.....

Answer 8

It does make you insecure and it hurts a little, but the bottom line is it is not cheating, and he may have wanted to see what all his friends were talking about. He may not have even enjoyed it, so give him a break. There are bigger problems than this. If this is your only one I would say you have a very good relation\ship, don't jinx it over one incident.
Unless he makes a habit out of it.

Answer 9

i wouldnt over react on this one. it will only confirm to him that there are things that he cannot share with you.

If going to a strip club make you uncomfortable, i would just explain that to him and ask him not to go anymore.

Also, dont look at it as a reflection on you. Us guys are just weird like that. we can totally love and be in love with our wife, yet separate the idea of going to a strip bar. we dont compare the girls to our wives or anything - we couldnt get those girls when we were single, and we def couldnt get them now. we know this, the girls know this, everyone knows it - its just part of the fantasy that the atmosphere presents.

Im sure he loves you as much as always.

Answer 10

much too controlling...the lying part is one thing but perhaps if you were more accepting of things he wouldn't have lied....you don't need to "compete" with strippers for god sakes.....he married you and he loves you...it's a harmless nite out with the guys...come on now...don't be so rigid...He is a 50+ year old man and you are not his mother....