Is it better to stay in a relationship when you aren't happy just for you kids?

Question

I have been married for almost 8 years and in the past year I have become very unhappy. I love my husband but not like i should. I love him cause we have a past together and kids together. He has a short fuse with a bad temper. He doesn't hit me or our kids just alot of yelling. He doesn't help around the house. He just watches cartoons with the kids on the couch most of the time. Well I want more in life. He isn't a terrible husband and father but he is good either. So is it better to put my kids through a divorce or to stick it out being unhappy for their sake? Am I being selfish?

I have seen a difference in my kids (7 and 3). My seven year little girl's conduct at school is going down and my 3 year old little boy is very clingy to me.

Also I have talked to him about his temper and the way he treats us. He said that there are some things that he will work on but he is NOT changing who he is. His attuitude changed for about a week and he is back to him old self. I use to think that I couldn't make it with out him but now I feel stronger. I am not a weak person anymore. He told him he don't like my new strength and to go back to the way I use to be. Is it I have matured and he hasn't? I don't want my kids to grow up like him. It isn't that I haven't tried cause I have been doing that since day one. I am tired of tring to better someone that doesn't want to better themselves and their family. If this is how it is going to be I can do it better on my own. But is it fair to my babies?

Answer 1

So if you want more in life what's wrong with you doing somethings for yourself.

From the tone of your question you seem bored and I get that you do love your husband and don't want to leave,
So take some classes for yourself, find a few new hobbies.

Do you as the kids say. Nothing wrong with using this time for yourself

Answer 2

Yes, you are being selfish.

Sorry but that is just my opinion. You are saying that you have been together for 8 years and now want "more in life".

Well create it!! Do you both work? If he is gone all day and you are home then guess what the housework is YOUR JOB. If you both work and there is housework that is just getting to be too much then hire someone as well as getting the kids involved with chores. Even small children can do chores and the only way to learn responsibility is to have to be responsible for something.

Why are the kids on the couch watching cartoons most of the time regardless of whether he is with them or not? They need to be active either with playing outside, riding bikes, climbing trees, going to the park, doing crafts at home, helping around the house.....but to say that they are watching the electronic babysitter is just laziness.

No it is not better to put children through a divorce. And no you do not want a relationship that you are just sticking it out. Change it!

He can not "make" you happy nor can you "make" him happy but you can do things for yourself that make you a happier person.

I am sorry that you say he has a "bad temper". Has he always? Before you were married did you know this? Is he open to counseling?

If you are home when he gets home are the kids already parked in front of the TV? If so then maybe he just wants to spend some time with them and really doesn't know what to do. If they were involved in a game outside maybe he would join them. If you were out there too then guess what the whole family would be playing together not just sitting around watching TV and feeling sorry for themselves.

Answer 3

I am in a similiar situation myself. I have been married for 17 yrs and my husband has never cut the apron strings. There have been three people in our marriage from the very beginning. He cares more about his mother than he does me. I have been miserable for the last few years and I have tried everything to try to make it work. I tried to get my husband to go to counseling, I begged with him and told him how unhappy I was. He doesn't see he has a problem. Well, I am at the point that I can no longer live like this. I am leaving him. I have an 8 yr old son and it will be hard on him at first. But in the long run I will be a much better mother to him if I am happy. Things are so bad at home that my son's grades are dropping at school and he has started having some behavioural problems at school. Kids are so intuitive. They pick up more than we think. You are not being selfish. You have to be happy yourself inorder to be a better mom to your kids. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

Your problem isn't that you are "unhappy". That's the most destructive, unrealistic modern romantic myth out there in circulation.

Your problem is that your interest in your husband has declined to a level where you aren't feeling that romantic connection to him anymore. Fortunately, you told us some of the reasons why (I can't begin to tell you how silly these kind of questions are when those critical details are omitted; it makes the woman sound shallow and unrealistic).

You list the following valid reasons for your interest in your husband/relationship to have declined:

1. Attitude
2. Discipline

These deficits manifest themselves, according to your description, by him acting out in anger (self-control and attitude) and not being more of a domestic helper (purely discipline).

I guess it would help to know what kinds of things he gets angry about so that we could get to the root of his anger, but it sounds like he might have some work to do there. He can't be "happy" either if he's angry often, so maybe he could even be a more productive, disciplined partner if he could get to what is bothering him and express it?

Without knowing a lot more about you two, it's hard for me to say much. I hate to recommend counseling (because 50+% of counselors are codependent themselves), but there seems to be a remote possiblity that you can salvage this marriage if he can address what is bothering him. Really, however, the time to address this was long before you started thinking about leaving.

I am sad for you two. Take care.

Answer 5

I think a mother should always protect their kids whether its a family member or their own father. He doesn't need to be yelling or arguing in front of the kids i know its hard been there done that but it scares the kids and stays in their head until you get them to a safe place. I think now in this world since there is so much violence going on in families we all see the good and bad in people and its a part of life. So this is a tough one i would seek some help like the Nanny Show helps the parents and the kids. I think they show is now on DVD. And try to spend some time alone with hubby , all marriages are resolvable and negotionable.

Answer 6

I was in a similar situation. But, your husband sounds better than mine was. My husband never wanted to be home. The kids were social status, but he still wanted to be able to go out with his friends every night. We tried for 2 years to make it work, but in the end we decided it was better for the kids to see us in healthy relationships with other people than for us to stay together. Towards the end I resented him, and now we get along great. We are better friends than lovers. Our kids are 6 and 2. We did get the 6 year old into counseling to make sure he was ok with the divorce and see if he needed to talk about anything. The kids are both better off since the divorce.

Answer 7

Yes you are being selfish. He is not the cause of you unhappiness...you are. You choose to look at the negatives and not cherish and help create positives. Talk to him, tell him you have emotional needs that he is not meeting and that you'd like him to say so if there are needs you are not meeting for him. Then add ono thing each to move forward on a positive note. When that one thing becomes a habit ( a month or so) add another. Make a game out of it...the first of the month you each get to ask for something you feel you need. Then focus on the good studd and not he "crap"

Answer 8

You must realize that you have to do what makes you happy first! You are too worried about the kids, when they are probably going through the same thing you are going through. No one wants to be around a husband or father who does nothing but yells. You must put your kids safety, well being, and comfort in front. Maybe a few years ago, I would have told you different, but not honestly, a woman can make it on her own, she does not need a man to make her happy or financially stable.

Answer 9

it isn't best to stay in a relationship that you are unhappy with. the kids are acting out b/c they can sence the trouble that is going on between the two of you. I think your husband needs to move out (if he won't then you and the kids should) and see if that helps with the situation. Sometimes it takes losing someone to make the other realize just how important they are to the other. my mother stayed with my step-father until my brother was grown. we grew up in a house where all my parents did was fight and yell. that is how my brother "talks" now with his girlfriend. it's unhealthy for everyone. I don't know if it helps or not, but i wish you luck in your choice.

Answer 10

Someone said, "The only thing worse than a broken home is living in one." I agree, after staying in a 14 year abusive relationship, for the children. There may not be any physical abuse but the emotional damage that your kids feel because of the tension between their parents can't be overlooked. They are aware of the problems more than you know. You all deserve better. If you are unhappy there is no reason to continue staying in the relationship. Your children may grow to blame you or emotionally abuse you later for their unhappiness. You can repair your relationship with your children but you can't change your husband. He will always be thier father but you don't have to be his wife. Free yourself before more damage is done.