My company covers up to certain amount of travel for work per year; my husband furious when he saw that I?

Question

sometimes stay longer than neccessary on these business trips. I often would stay an extra night or two just to have some alone time and pay out of pocket for it. I would tell him I was working (flexibile hours at my job, so he thought nothing of it).

We were going over all our receipts and what not with accountant last night, and I had saved some of the receipts that I was supposed to submit to my employer for reimbursement.

Anyway long story short, he discovered that I was staying longer than needed on my trips, and is very upset. He thinks that either I am cheating or can't stand being around him.

I simply wanted some time to myself after attending these stressful meetings.

I have my own savings account for this very reason, but did not want him to know how I use it - he thinks that sort of thing is a waste of money.

How do I get out of this one? I already explained it has nothing to do with him, but my need for alone time, but he won't calm down.

Answer 1

What you need to do is just give him some time to cool off, and he will come to his senses. He just probably dosen't know how to react to this one because you are always honest with him and don't give him reasons to worry. He is just afraid of the worst case scenario, which is you cheating. He'll come to his senses and realize that it was just time alone you really needed. Men get fussy like that when they think they are being lied to or cheated. I wouldn't worry...

Answer 2

You hae made a tough spot to get yourself out of! While the reason for wanting the extra time was totally valid and you were able to pay for it without impacting the family budget, you still lied to your husband (more than once and for quite some time) about what you were doing and why. THAT is the biggest problem you will have to address. In all honesty, even the best spouse would feel hurt and immediately wonder if there was another person in this situation. You have explained what you did. Now you just have to wait it out a bit. Give him a chance to calm down, then you will have to talk some more. The first thing you will have to do is promise to tell him when you will stay a day or so over a business trip. And you may want to work out how often you can do so...every other trip, so many times a year, etc. I would also suggest that you offer to pay for him to have similiar get aways if he doesn't get them already. While you are needing time away to decompress from work, my bet is he is the one handling the home front and he may need some time away as well (especially if you have kids). Finally, it may be time for some couples counseling. While it is not unusual for couples to have seperate accounts, it seems there are many things you don't want your husband to know...for whatever reasons..and that needs to be addressed.

Answer 3

Okay, the first thing you need to do is cut through all the stuff you said and get down to the root of it all: you lied to him. You lied to your husband. Say it with me now: you lied to him.

Now that we've got that clear, STOP! Lying to your spouse is NEVER helpful. Bad things happen. How would you feel if you found out that, while you were away, the movie he said he went to, he actually bought tickets for two, and he lied to you about it? How many, "Oh honey, don't worry about it"s would it take for you to stop worring about it. Would "It was just a guy from work, no, you can't meet him, he doens't work there any more," really be comforting? And before you try to say it's not the same, it is! He has no way of knowing what you were doing or who you were doing it with on the days you were at the hotel without telling him what you were doing... all he knows is that you lied about it. That's all he has to go on.

And why in the world do you have a separate checking account? I've never seen this be a good thing for a couple. If you're sharing your whole life with someone, then why would you hold back your money? I may come at it from a different point of view, since I earn all the money in the family. If my wife had a checking account of her own, I'd be pretty concerned. If she were using it to stay an extra night at a hotel without telling me when she went to visit her father.... then I'd be *very* concerned.

Answer 4

This is why secrets between couples are unhealthy. Had you discussed this with your husband prior to doing it, you'd not have this problem today. Hind sight is 20/20 though. As long as you learn from a mistake then its not a complete loss.

As far as advice goes, you just have to be persistent with your reasoning. Nothing wrong with away time in a relationship. Its not like you're off touring the world picking up men. You're simply taking an extra day every once in awhile to unwind and escape the rigors of your every day life. All in all I'd venture to say he's not nearly as angry as he believes he is. At least not for the reasons he has mentioned. Ultimately you're probably going to find that an aspect of it is him being jealous that you're leaving him to deal with his mundane life while off unwinding. He feels excluded and therefore a bit neglected.

Do something nice for him, but not over the top. Spend a bit more time with him than you normally do, but again, in moderation. If you over do it, it'll make you look guilty when you've really done no wrong. He just needs some re-assurance that his wife loves and needs him. Next time you get a business trip, invite him for that extra day or two. Unlikely he'll be able to attend but he wont feel that you're trying to escape him.

Answer 5

I think you have some serious issues in your marriage. First, you seclude yourself from your husband when he eats "wild" meat and force him to stay away until what he ate has been digested (yea, I read your last question, too). Now, we find out that you have been purposely extending your "business" trips to have some "alone time". Personally, I don't think your excuses add up.
I think you are unhappy in your marriage and you are looking for any and every excuse to stay away from your husband or you are seeing someone else. If you loved your husband and wanted to share quality time with him you would be excited to be coming back home to him, not trying to extend your stay!!!
You keep referring to him as the one with the problem, but in reality you are the one causing the trouble. What about your own personal savings account? It sounds like to me you are saving up for a very long trip one day.
If you don't love this man quit leading him on and cheating yourself!!! It's just that simple. Life is too short. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you married too young or your parents or husband pressured you into marriage. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter if you aren't happy. You both deserve to love and be loved. The thing is you seem miserable and you are making him miserable. Don't do this to him or yourself. Do the right thing. Good luck!!!

Answer 6

I think you should be a little more honest with him. What probably bothers him the most is not that you wanted to take the extra day sometimes but the fact that you felt you had to lie to him. The fact you felt you had to lie is probably what makes him feel there was a bad reason for you wanting that extra time away.

maybe if you are going to take an extra day in the future you should tell him up front that you want to see the sites in that city and are going to take an extra day or 2 there. I am sure he would have no where near as much trouble with that. Especially if you have something in that place in specific you want to see like a castle, museum, park, zoo, or show.

my dad took an extra day on a lot of business trip any my Mom never had a problem with it, but i grantee if he had said he was working longer and she found out he had been lying she would have broken down crying when she found out.

A relationship is based on trust by lying and saying you where working when you where not you have showed there is a lack of trust.

It is fine to have you own savings account with some of you money in it for what each of you wants to spend it on, but if you have to lie about where you are to each other that is a big problem.

Answer 7

It's going to be hard to convince him that it's not a reflection on him. Try to explain to him how stressful these meetings are and that you want to decompress before coming back to him because you don't want to come home grouchy and argumentative. If you're happy, you can give more to the marriage.

BTW- did you also post the question about the office party cake? Use the travel as the reason you didn't sign up earlier and insist that everyone chip in the help with the cost.

Answer 8

He has every right to be angry. You have not given him any reason to trust you. You were not honest with him regarding your time and money. In a marriage all financial decisions should be a joint decision and no one should have their own account. Also, why should he believe you when you say you were not cheating on him? You seriously hurt the foundation of what a marriage should be, which is trust and honesty. If you want to "get out of this one" you should show him some respect by being honest. You need to treat this as if you really did cheat on him because that is what he thinks. If I were him it would take a long time of you being completely honest with me before I would trust you again, which includes never extending your business trips again.

Answer 9

I can't blame him for seeing this as suspicious. A husband and wife owe each other honesty and accountability. He deserves to know where the family money is going and what you are doing with your time. He does not have the right to tell you what to do, if he is unhappy with your behavior he can say so, and he also can decide whether or not to continue the relationship.

Recognizing that he would be upset and may try to dissuade you from doing this, you chose to hide money and lie to him instead of convincing him of your viewpoint. You chose to act as if you were not part of a team, and that his input and feelings were not as important as your desire to be alone.

This would make any man or woman insecure. Hiding money, lying about spending money and lying about whereabouts are classic signs of cheating. The recovery for this is almost as if you DID cheat. First, you act as if you've done nothing wrong, you just need to find a way to "make it up to him" or something. You should start by really trying to see what you did to him. He needs to be able to trust you and believe you, and believe IN you. It's going to take a while. Don't get angry and frustrated and go into "get over it" mode. Bear with him...

And in the future, give him the decency of honesty.

Answer 10

Long story short....you goofed up big time!!

You lied to your husband, you hid your actions, you hide purchases from him and then wonder why he is mad?

You can not "get out of this one" you need to look deep inside yourself and figure out why you had to lie and hide things from the man you are supposed to love and be honest with at all times.

He has every right to be mad/hurt/dissapointed in you.

If you can not honestly look at your actions, see how they hurt him and were wrong then you can not truly appologize and begin to let him heal.

You are in a relationship that has two people in it.....if he was doing something that you thought was a waste, hid it, lied about it and then looked at you in a befuddeled gaze saying well why are you mad? You would think he was an idiot.

If you can appologize, mean it, change your behavior and be honest from now on then maybe he will begin to believe you and "calm down".

I have a feeling you are still trying to "justify" your actions....guess what NOTHING justifies lying and hiding things from your spouse!!

Answer 11

Funny if this were a man we would all be condeming him and saying he was "acting suspicious". If you want to be trusted in a relationship then you shouldn't hide things from your spouse, I would be mad too if I were him.
If you wanted alone time after a stressful meeting then you should call and let him know you are staying a day or two longer to shop and what not, he may not like it but at least you are being forthcoming about your intentions.