Should I tell my husband that I aborted our child?

Question

I first fell in love with my husband when I was sixteen. I was visiting the States during a holiday, and we had a crazy summer romance. After he had left for college and I had gone home to France, I found that I was pregnant. I had an abortion and never told him. We lost touch over the years, but a few months ago he came to find me again. We are now married and trying to have a baby.

We love each other and we're so happy. Everything should be perfect. But I know he hates abortion and it would kill him to find out what I did. I don't want him to hate me. I can't sleep because I killed Clara, and I'm terrified that something bad could happen to our baby. Should I tell him what I did or just pray he never finds out?

Answer 1

Sounds to me like you have the safety and acceptance with him needed for sharing this pain. Its his pain too. He shared the responsibility for Clara. Even though you'll cry together over this, the healing starts with sharing yourselves with each other ... sharing your pain is also important sharing.

Praying for God to protect any 'wall of secrecy' is one of those prayers that make Him 'shake His head' in sadness. Rather, pray He helps you both find each other and Him through Clara. Her little life will really mean something very wonderful then.

Answer 2

Wow, serious situation. When I answer these questions, I give it a lot of thought. The last thing I would want is to be responsible for causing problems in someones life. Okay, so here goes...first of all how could he find out? If you don't say anything it would be pretty impossible unless you go to France. Second, you say he hates abortion, plus to make it worse the baby was his. You know, there are millions of people that have some things in their past that they keep to themselves until they go to the grave. Perhaps you feel if you tell him it will help you sleep better at night. You were only 16! Much to young to be a parent plus you didnt know you would ever see him again, go back to him, marry him etc. He may not understand, are you willing to ruin the rest of yours and his life because you need to confess? I really think you should keep this to yourself as telling him wont change the situation, wont bring Clara back and will perhaps put a wedge between the two of you. Now, on the other hand...if there is a slight narrow possibility that he is the kind of person who is totally understanding of the situation...that you were a child yourself...then tell him...BUT it still wont change the past...so why rock the boat?

Answer 3

Here are the facts that no one else seems to be giving you.
Fact: When/If you do get pregnant...the doctor will ask you how many times you have been pregnant.
Fact You have the right to medical privacy
Fact You will need to tell your doctor that you husband does not know about the previous abortion, and ask him not to mention it infront of your husband
Fact Only you can decide what to do in this situation.
Fact It was your body and you chose what to do w/ it. You did not, obviously, think you should have a baby at that time.
Fact Telling him will not relieve your guilt...because, since you refer to the aborted child as "clara"...I believe you regret your decision.
Fact If you tell him, and he leaves you...you will still have had an abortion..and now you will be divorced.
I cannot tell you what to do, but it seems to me that if you want to stay married to him..don't tell him. Get yourself some grief counseling. A qualified therapist will give you the tools to deal w/ this.

Answer 4

I dont think you should tell him. If you think he wont accept it, forgive you and move on, then keep it to yourself. There is no point ruining a perfectly good relationship over something that happened years ago when you werent even a couple anymore. You made the best choice for you at the time and there is no point regreting that. What you are feeling is guilt, and trying to have a family is probably bringing it all back. You want to tell him because you think it will ease your guilty feelings and make you feel better. That is selfish. Do your relationship a favor and deal with it yourself.

Answer 5

Don't say anything at all. You went home and probably thought that you would never see him again. You were given a second chance so take it. Everything in life is for a reason and if you tell him he may hold it against youso dont risk that. If you want to confide in somone then contact me. I live over in the Scotland in the UK Good luck to you both but dont let this spoil your happiness. Share what happened with someone you can trust to keep it quiet.

Answer 6

ultimately it is your physique and as your physique he has no rights or say in what you do with it. whether, in case you abort the toddler (I hate the be conscious fetus ... makes it sound like an alien) you're risking dropping him considering which will continuously stand between the two one among you. in case you had no objective of having toddlers you will desire to are transforming into sterilized do no longer you think of? the actuality is that he's happy with reference to the toddler and you have taken that exhilaration of expected fatherhood away via insisting on an abortion through fact the only answer. lower back it is your physique. there is not any comfortable thank you to tell him you have become an abortion nor will there be a comfortable way for him to declare good bye through fact he can no longer stay inclusive of your determination.

Answer 7

You should tell him. I did the same thing but i was still with my husband but he left for boot camp and i thought he would find some one else. The point is i thought we would never see eachother ago and thats what you thought. Yea my husband was upset with me, but he got over it and now we are trying to have another. But he is yuor husband now and if you want a good relastionship you cant keep anything from him. Some day it will come out and he will be really upset with you for not telling him..

Answer 8

No, because you were different people back then. It's different if this was a recent thing, but it's not. I don't think he needs to know and I don't think not telling him is being dishonest. It's a personal choice you made and who you chose to tell or not tell is also up to you. If you had married another man would you have told him? Probably not. It's not his business to know. It was years ago anyways, why bring it up now?

Oh wait, I read the rest of your question. It sounds like you never got over teh abortion. You should get some counselling, but don't go to a counsellor who believes in Post Abortion Syndrome because it's just made up to guilt and scare women away from abortions. Speak with a real professional. As for something bad happening to your baby now, that's not rational. Abortion is a relatively safe procedure. It's more likely that if you had given birth that your body would be 'messed up' than over an abortion as the risks of full term pregnancy and labour are at least 10 times that of abortion.

Answer 9

You don't need to tell him... What's the point? You did what felt right under the circumstances, and you yourself have to come to terms with it - I mean, what's the point to not be sleeping at night over something that happened years ago? Let the sleeping dogs lie. You didn't "kill Clara", you had an embryo removed for crying out loud. You're just being overly dramatic, and there's no need for it. Look forward to the future, don't wallow in the past. Good luck.

Answer 10

You are worrying about both the past and future at the same time. You cannot control either one.

To address your concerns, find a post-abortion counseling group to heal your own mind. You should tell your husband only if he insists on knowing the truth. Seek forgiveness and restoration with those who know what you are experiencing and can support you.