Married to someone with much lower libido. Thoughts?

Question

like it 3 to 4 times a week. She gives it to me once a week but she'd probably be happier with once a month. I wish she was more into it. Thoughts? Please don't suggest more romance. I have tried pretty much everything with no success. Our marriage is perfect other than that. Well, no marriage is perfect but you know what I mean. We have talked so many times about it I couldn't even count them all. We have tried different B/C, I have tried to get her in the mood in different ways, nothing has worked. It is not really boring but infrequent. We are both willing to try almost anything (within reason... no swinging, stuff like that). Do you think I just have to live with it. I read an Ann Landers column once and she said you shouldn't marry someone like that. She said you will always be resentful and unhappy. I think she was partially right but it is only a small part of an otherwise awesome relationship.

I posted this a couple of days ago and wanted to provide some additional information because of some of the responses. We are both in our late 20's. We are both fairly healthy, not overweight. We have no kids (we plan to in a year or 2). We both work full time and are good financially. Neither of us work much more than 40 hrs a week. We share all the responsibilities at home. We don't really follow a set schedule. We clean when the house is getting dirty, we take turns doing the dishes when the sink gets full, take turns cooking, go out when we feel like it, we spend a lot of time together and do a lot of things together. We have been going on vacations at least once a year. When she doesn't want it, she just says no. When I don't want it, I usually just do it anyway to make her happy. It isn't that difficult.

Answer 1

i am sure you realize romance doesn't start in the bedroom. it starts much earlier than that, and if you have that covered as well as you seem to think then the next step would be to look closely at yourself. no offense, but do you shower daily, keep yourself clean, brush your teeth, that type of thing. as i said no offense, but you'd be surprised how many men don't and then wonder why their wives aren't too keen. i am also surprised at how many men do not pay much attention to their wives until bedtime and then wonder why the wife isn't interested? again, i am not suggesting you are, but the number of men who complain about this very issue is staggering, and i find it hard to believe it is always the woman that is to blame. so.............again, take a good long look in the mirror.
if nothing above is the issue then you need to discuss this with your family doctor. tell him whats going on. it may very well be that there is something medically wrong. various medications will lower your drive and others will just take the drive away. perhaps there is something going on with meds.
have her go for a complete physical. after several years of a very healthy married sex life, our daughter suddenly had no sex drive, couldn't care less, honestly she said if she gave it up for christmas and his birthday that would be too much. well, she went to the doctor and found several minor things that were at issue. one involved some minor surgery, one involved change of meds, and one involved looking at her husband as her man, not just the kid's dad! once she got through the surgery, and change of meds she felt much better and started looking at her husband differently and the rest is history! we are due to be grandparents again anyday now! their sex life is back to normal, they are both in much happier moods, and life is good.
so...........go talk to the doctor, without her in necessary, and enlist his help!
good luck! and don't stray! doesn't solve a damn thing, just makes everything worse! you are just adding guilt to the mix and thats no good! take care!

Answer 2

coming from a women not wanting sex all the time or as much as my husband does may give you some perspective. I have been married for 6 years and we have been through so many changes during that time. I am stressed from working and going to school full time. We still share all responsibilities, but my husband is a walking hormone every single day. Sex use to be great but life changes and the fact that I am on birth control has changed my want for sex. I also feel extremely pressured because the minute I walk through the door my husband is attacking me, so I tell him why do you only hug and kiss me before you want some. He has no romance in him at all and his way of relieving stress is by having sex, a women's way is by coming home relaxing after a stressful day and not been expected to have sex all the time. It's different for us it's an emotional thing, but I have to say my biggest issue is always feeling pressured like if I don't give it up he may get it somewhere else which makes me resent him. Also try going down on her more this helps. What I would like is for my husband to surprise me every now and then which has never happened in 6yrs. I wish he would wear his wedding ring (which probably doesn't apply to you). I wish he could tell me all the great things about me instead of all the negative. I wish I felt like it was me he wanted to have sex with and not just having sex period. If you do all these things then something is just wrong with her.

Answer 3

Well, Ann Landers is wrong! It's not that you shouldn't marry someone like that. I mean for most couples who wait till marriage for intimacy, how would you know? I really don't see Ann Landers being a proponent of pre-marital sex. What you should do is take a survey. WOW doesn't that sound sexy? I know it sounds lame, it's more for you than for her. Talk with as many women and men as you can, or just ask the question here but request that each person give their s3x. The question is the same one you are pondering. What's the normal amount? You're going to find a drastic difference between Men and Women! In fact this question HAS been asked here before! You are not in a unique situation. It's normal. And you just have to live with it! Just enjoy the intimacy you get. Pressuring will not enhance the moment, duh! Sucks that I couldn't give you better advice! But I thought you'd rather have the truth.

Answer 4

Could it be anything else to cause this? Sure couples do things together all the time but not many men willingly buy tampoons/pads for their wife unless it's an emergency. There are things we don't tell our spouse as well out of fear of hurting their feelings or risk an argument. Does she has vaginitis? Have you both look check it out medically? Read some more. Lubrication could be the factor. Do you prefer penetration or oral? If she's willing she can give you sensual oral instead.

In case that there's nothing wrong with her and that nothing else work, ask yourself this: would you seek divorce? Sex enhance the love in a marriage. Playful couple spice it up and explore the kinky side to their limit not because they're horny but to pleasure each other. Most women aren't sexually active like men although they do exist out there. Put yourself in her place, what would you do? What do you think she would do?

Answer 5

I read all the other posts before I sat down to write this....I must say I agree with a couple of them...Jasmin is one.

Please remember that men and women are different. We are built differently and we think /express ourselves differently.
If you understand this, you will see why sex is such a problematic area for everybody...!
..................................................................
Men interpret sex as love. To a man, if a woman gives him sex he will understand she loves him-(or at least cares a lot about him.) His hormones usually maintain the same levels, so he's usually ready to have sex anytime.

But women are totally different. To a woman, the sex act is the culmination of trusting the man. She gives sex as an act of love, and when a man hugs her and caresses her and tells her how much she means to him she is happy. Sure, sex is great if you love the man, but we interpret it in a different way.

What I'm saying is this: Men usually DO NOT understand that if a woman doesn't want to have sex it can be for a variety of reasons.....They have been mentioned already.

BUT....Beware!
If a woman DOES NOT feel comfortable in a relationship, if she has doubts or fears- of any type- she will not share her body. Period. You can try just about anything to try to "get her in the mood" but nothing will work, because you are only focusing on the tip of the iceberg.....and you are not looking under the water to see what is lying underneath her attitude.

So......Take your time to think things over. Be honest with yourself. Have you said or done things that have hurt or betrayed or angered her?

Remember...All issues have three sides:
1) Your side, 2)Your wife's side, and 3) What really happened!

Good luck....

Answer 6

Oh my it's like I'm reading my Life. My husband and I are the same way. We have a perfect marriage except for the sexual side of it. The exception is I'm always in the mood and he has the low libido. We have gone as far as Doctors and Viagra and still nothing. Thing is he's been like this since I've known him, so it's not like he had it and then lost it.
I'm lucky if he's in the mood once every two- three months. It is so good to hear I am not alone on this. I just don't know what else to do. I've thought of cheating and he feels so bad he said I could but I love him too much I don't think I could do that or live with myself if I did. So here I am with EVERYTHING except the sexual side. I am happy 99.9 % of the time. I have his Love and support or anything else I need, he literally treats me like a Princess. I just dream of the day he touches me with passion and does it because he wants too not just because of me.

Answer 7

Oh gosh! I don't really surf the net but found time this morning and ran across your situation. I feel the same way too. We exactly have the same problem and situation in everything...the only thing is...I am a girl. I am feeling so bad lately because of what's happening with us. For me once a week is good already but lately it has becoming 2 a month. I have been married for 2 years and no kids. He was already pretty much like this even when we were dating. He just recently admitted to me that he sometimes masturbate without me...the reason being is he wants to make it quick. I was really hurt by that immensely. He said he just wants to be open and didn't want to hurt my feelings. What's crazy about it is I know for a fact that he really loves me and can't afford to lose me. Talk about looks wise....I am pretty up there esp. since I have been modeling for a decade now and get to take care of myself in that area. BTW, we're on our late 20's too. please comment??? What are your thoughts ???

Answer 8

The one thing to understand is a healthy marriage has a healthy sex life the problem I see is you have to except something your not happy with and it won't get any better unless something changes. Your wife should see a doctor to see whats going on and find an answer. I personally don't think you should even consider having children until your sex life is fixed. Why? Because your OK with it now but time has a way of catching up to you and later in your marriage you won't be happy but then things get more complicated when children are involved. I would sit down with her and be honest and tell her until we can fix the sex part of marriage with what ever it takes that children is not a good idea. If you have kids does your sex life go to once a month? Would you truly be happy with that type of situation? You better be honest with yourself and your wife.....

Answer 9

I'm going to tell you about something that happen in a premarital class I attended. It was an open forum and so there were married couples, and soon to marry couples. That nights discussion was on sex in the marriage.
There was an older couple that was there whom had been married for 50 years. Which the professor was asking them questions. Then he ask, " How do you start with foreplay!" The older man of 50 years marriage said, " I start on her ears and she really likes that!" I was sitting there being the ever so romantic going awwwww. Then the older woman of 50 years marriage look at her husband and said, " I've never like that in fact its a complete turn off to me!" Well, I was like damm. The class went quiet! We were all shock! You could tell the older man was sitting their in horror. He said, " You never told me that!" She said, " Yes I have to many to count over the years!" " You werent listening."
Then it dawn on me. Its not all the things we try for the other person its how we try it. Are we reaching the other person how they want to be reach. Or are we reaching them how we want to be reach. There is a major difference.
As the many weeks went on those two were like 2 newly wed couple and you could tell their sex life change alot of things for them even their approach on their relationship.
Find out what your wife likes. Or keep trying stuff that you might not even like but like you said , " Its not all that difficult. I hope this help. God Bless

Answer 10

You seem like a really good guy, so here's an honest answer. Use natural family planning instead of birth control. Bottom line, there are about 11 days a month where you abstain -- the other 20 days are available.

1.) She gets a break, you both stay connected other ways during that time.

2.) It keeps it from getting "stale" -- it's always the best after the 11 day period and you appreciate giving that gift to each other more, since you don't take it for granted.

3.) Your wife will feel more like a person and less like an object.

4.) You practice self-discipline and not just self indulgence.

5.) Sex integrates into your whole communication and relationship.

6.) Understanding her cycle will help her get pregnant when you both are ready.