We have been married for almost five years, four girls, drifting away from one another?

Question

My husband and I will celebrate our 5th anniversary in May. I don't quite know how to phrase the ?, but here goes.
We had a very healthy sex life until after our third daughter was born. I had a scare with that one, and cannot seem to gear my mind towards romance etc. anymore. (we have four girls, so obviously sometimes) All I seem to think about is the kids when I should be "in the mood", and I can't tune them or the possibility they will need something at night even if they are at grandma's for the night. Because we are not intimate, he is pulling away and not giving the quick kisses he used to or just holding each other while watching tv etc, and without those little touches to the marriage, I feel even more reluctant. Is there any way to reverse the direction we are heading in?
I still love him just as much if not more than when we got married, and he seems to feel the same way, but I am afraid of a never ending slide downhill from here.
Please only real advice.

Answer 1

Ok, I have 5 kids so this is not unfamiliar territory. What you *want* to have is a return of sexual desire and a natural response to your husband, but you are not feeling it. Women are responders, and we have complex emotions that respond to our everyday enviroment. You have spent your self out on your kids. You had a lot of babies in a few years and you are exhausted. I assume they are all still really young. I spent 12 years either pregnant or breastfeeding, so I *know*. You need to rebuild yourself. I know what it is like to fight with yourself to let go of the kids mentally. You may not be able to do that completely, because the fight itself is very distracting. Accept where you are, and know that this time will pass.
You will need your husband's help, so start by telling him everything you feel, while reassuring him that you want to make this better. Tell him how you need those daily touches to help you over come this and rebuild yourself. Then do even more for yourself on your own. Get a sitter - they'll be OK. Take a class, garden, eat chocolate, put on music, take a bath, let the housework go a little, eat out more, don' t be perfect in everything for your kids and then lose your man, your source of strength, your provider and best friend.
Go on dates together. Don' tlook for "the way it used to be," look for a new relationship that works for you now. You have changed, and that is OK. Go ahead and talk about the kids - you need to - but also talk about your own feelings and ask your husband for some time where he will just listen and let you get it out. Then let him talk, and try not to feel threatened. They are just feelings.
Turn off the TV. Take at least 1 hour together per day talking, walking, holding. Don't fight against your feelings, but also, you don' t have to let your feelings always win out.
Give yourself to him when you don't feel like it, it's OK, he won't hurt you, and he needs it and so do you, even if you are scared. Cry if you need to. Hold him tighter. But keep him close. He seems like a great guy. The feelings will return.

Answer 2

You need to find little ways to rekindle the romance. Light candles turn on some soft music have a glass of champagne and go for it. Send the kids to grandmas and turn off the phone. Grandma has raised kids before she can handle any little thing that comes up while they're with her. He is probably pulling away in response to you pulling away so you need to make the first move. The intimate moments in a marriage aren't everything but they are important. Once you make the first step toward rekindling the romance I think other steps will follow. Have a date night once a week or even once a month if that's all you can do. Anything to make time for each other. It doesn't have to be expensive go for a picnic or just a romantic walk in the park.

Answer 3

I've only been married for 1 year [in may], no kids yet, but here goes. First of all I know kids always need their parents, but get over it! You need time for yourself too. If there's no you, what's going to happen to everyone else? That's why I say, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Your husband is the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with, so why not enhance the relationship both sexually and physically. Take the first step and make a really detailed day or evening for JUST the 2 of you and follow through! Buy a sexy outfit for "just his eyes". Have something set up at your house so that when he comes home from work tired, he'll be uplifted knowing how much effort you put into it. Think about the day's before the kids and chaos! It doesn't even have to be anything big. Run him a warm bubble bath - you massage his shoulders / back / neck .. maybe you'll end up in there with him! Maybe he feels the same way as you, but isn't sure how to get something started, so why not make the move? Having sex isn't always just about having sex. It's being one with your partner, sharing your romance and love for each other, and all the other mushy stuff!!!

Answer 4

I know this might be difficult, maybe even impossible given the youth of your kids. But you guys really need a break from it all.

Is there any chance that you might have some help with the kids for a weekend? A trusted family member or two? It might help if the two of you could get a weekend of relaxation at a spa, or a camping trip where it's just the two of you removed from all the craziness in the house and all the distractions of technology (TV, phone, compouter, etc., etc). If necessary, maybe you could find someplace relatively close to home so that you feel you can be reached in a pinch.

If this is impossible because of the youth of your kids, at least try, perhaps to make a date night once a week, where you find a babysitter and can at least have a few hours to have dinner and just talk. It might cost a lot for a sitter for four little ones, but isn't it worth it to bring you guys closer again?

You two certainly had a whole lot of life thrown at you in a very short time (4 kids in five years! wow!), and that first five years of marriage is a time when a lot of couples spend long hours discussing longer-term plans, what they want to do with their lives, where they want to live long-term, whether they want to get more education, etc., etc., not to mention traveling and doing other things to build the relationship. And you guys have spent a lot of it changing diapers - not that that's a bad thing!

You need to reconnect, and that's almost impossible to do when caught in the daily grind.

Best of luck!

Answer 5

I believe that your situation is currently not as bad as you may think it is. Love is endless, love can be express in so many ways other than the usual holding and kissing (it sure helps though), anyway, my advise is that since you guys are still very much in love, talke it over, remember that now your time together has/should be reduced to a minmum, but you should try to make time for yoursevles (i.e once a week) while the kids grow a little more. The eldest will be able to help eventually, but the most important thing is to do it together, raise your children, toghether. I am also married, father of one child, if I can be of any help, I will be glad to assist.

Answer 6

How very wise you are. Children do that to a marriage. It will take all your creativity to arrange time away from them. Whether it be a once-a-week date night, frequent small weekend trips alone, or in home baby care, you will have to do something. Start with not having any more children! The best way to think is that the 4 girls will be much better off seeing a close relationship between their parents . So even though you are constantly thinking of them, you will HAVE to go through the motions of wifeliness( is that a word?) Start by planning a date with him where you can discuss the situation and ask his input or suggestions. Best to you

Answer 7

You haven't gotten over the scare you had when your third daughter was born. Perhaps somewhere in your mind sex now equals pain, which is a very unfortunate thing to think.
Your husband is responding to your withdrawal from him by also withdrawing (which is no surprise). If you want to keep him, try some kind of therapy either alone or together. And good luck!

Answer 8

I think it is very important for you to talk to him about what he's feeling and what you're feeling. My husband and I have been married for 5 years also. However, it was reversed for us....his sex drive has diminished and mine hasn't. If you allow the touches and kisses to diminish they eventually fade....and you two may become uncomfortable being intimate. You have to have open communication. For my husband and I it has led to counseling because it got to the point of either going to counseling or divorcing. Intimacy is so important in a relationship. Good luck.

Answer 9

Yes there is something you can do, you can sit and have a serious adult conversation where he tells you his feelings and you describe what you just said here. You also need to make an effort to snuggle up to him on the couch or hold his and in public and the other tender feelings you miss. I promise if you work on your part and the intimacy issues, he will become receptive to your changes and become more open as well.

Good luck and you can do it.

Answer 10

Take a break away from him for a couple of weeks then go back and see how it is, not to be mean or get him in trouble, but because you may need a vacation. Or pretend that he is leaving you for another woman and see if that might settle better on your mind. You could spice it up for him fake it until you make it. The woman that comes on to him and makes him feel attractive is the one you will lose him to if you don't straighten up and be that woman that is your job, if you want to keep him for a husband?