Do I stay in this marriage or chalk it up as a loss.?

Question

I've posted many questions pondering if my relationship with my husband is worth it or not. We've been together for six months, and I'm only 18. He has told me before that he loves me but not enough to work on the marriage. He has also told me he loves me tons and it's enough to work on the marriage. We fight a lot depending on the week, some weeks we don't fight at all. But most times it's over petty crap that is pointless like he should of done the dishes while I was at work instead of leaving them for me when I get home. I know he loves me more than anything but it's so hard. I believe that our relationship is equal so he should meet me halfway (9/10 times he doesn't). For instance I believe housework is 50/50, he believes that I should have a job, (which I am fine with, I love working) but I should also have his supper cooked when he gets home and ALL of the housework done. How do I tell him how I feel without hurting him? How do I show him these things without causing a fight?

Answer 1

everything you mention is what get's settled before you marry someone. that's why kids like you shouldn't rush into things they can't handle. move on with your life, you're still young enough to classify it as a stupid teenage mistake, which it was...

Answer 2

First thing is you are young and very inexperienced. Marriages take a lot of work, no matter how old you are. I noticed that most of the responders did not take into account on how you feel about this guy. Do you truly love him? Do you want this to work? If this is the case, then fight for it. Don't be afraid to talk to him about anything for fear of starting a fight. It has to be out in the open, he can't read your mind. I have been married for 28 years and it was tough when we first started. It's all a compromise that has to be set up and agreed upon. You talk about dishes and cleaning the house. Who works on the lawn and the cars, makes repairs, so on? Also, it has a lot to do with the way he was raised. If he was raised to make his bed, do the dishes, clean the house, then it won't come as a surprize to him if you bring it up. If he has never done it and he never saw his father do it, good luck with this one. Blame the mother for being so wishy-washy. He is young also ( I assume anyway), so he can learn and be trained just like the rest of us. It just takes some honest communication between the two of you. Leave everyone else out of it. Especially the in-laws, yours and his.
Like I said earlier, I have been married for 28 years now and hope for 28 more. Communication is the key! Just pick a calm time during the day to ask for help. If he loves you, he will help. Don't come across as demanding, no one likes to be told what to do but responds well to being asked. Just a few things I've learned through the years. Another thing that I learned is that if he is a total slacker and doesn't respond to anything you need after trying your hardest, move on. He will either change his ways and want you back or you will find a better life and he can live in a pig sty. Good luck.

Answer 3

All this stuff is normal, no matter what your age. No marriage is ideal and it takes work. Sometimes it seems you are working more and sometimes the other person feels that way, but if you are both committed it can become a strong relationship.
What you have to do is learn to share feelings without pressure or control. Tell your husband your daily struggles as if he cares for you and will help you. Tell him if you feel hurt or scared, but be wise in your choice of words and timing. Prepare him by saying you want to ask for his help in something later, when he is ready. Then present your problems to him without solutions, and say you don't know what to do. Tell him you can't do all that, and show your vulnerability when you say it. Tell him you are tired, and say it in a tired way, not yelling.
Never push him to do what you demand of him, but appreciate and thank him when he does what you like. Men like that and will do more when they get noticed.
You may have fights your whole life. I have been together with my husband since we were 14 and now we are 40 and we still have regular fights. Fights that get resolved well are productive. Petty stuff is just a sign that there is a deeper issue and if you find that you will heal the root and not the symptoms. So work together to find the deeper issue, and always use "we" and "I" language instead of "you" language.
You may get a bad reaction when you disagree with him, but don't let it cause a bad reaction back in you, just give it time.
Don't apologize for the facts, but maybe apologize for the timing or the wording, but keep trying to say it in more acceptable ways. You both started with love, but there is a lot of growth coming along the way and a lot of trials. Put the good habits in place now, and stay committed. It won't be any different if you quit and start something new.

Answer 4

If you are asking us for advice about whether or not you should stay in the marriage, I can only assume that there is a large part of you that is already no longer committed to staying in it. And I don't think you'd be wrong to leave.

You're 18 which, no offense, is far too young to be married in a real marriage. If you're in some sort of arranged marriage where you have to put up with the other person no matter what, 18 is fine. But the problem is you are young and you have a lot of growing still to do. And it already sounds like you're growing apart. If you feel he isn't doing anything about working on the relationship it's either because that's how it is or that's how you see things. Neither is a good sign.

If you want to stay married to him, good luck. I'm not a big advocate for divorce, but sometimes people get married and they just aren't right for each other and no amount of work will ever change that.

Answer 5

You guys both need to learn to meet half-way. Without it, no marriage will work. No one can feel, think and believe *exactly* what you feel, think and believe. There will ALWAYS be differences. As long as you both understand this, you can work on your particular set of differences. So, he feels that you should be responsible for making dinner; but this doesn't mean that you have to slave at the stove for hours every evening - make a good use of leftovers, freeze extra batches of food for later, have frozen/canned items at hand, go out to dinner on a weekend. You don't have to make it a big deal or fight over it. Don't like housework? Invest a couple of hundred bucks a months into having a maid come in and clean for you. It's just not worth bickering and fighting over. You have to be creative and invent solutions to everyday problems - otherwise no matter whom you're with, it will always be about keeping score and arguing who does what. Grow up you guys.

A practical suggestion I would make is for each of you to sit down and make a list of items you feel should be your responsibility around the house. There's nothing wrong with you taking over the cooking and the dishes 100% if he, for example, does 100% of working on cars (I mean, do you REALLY want to change 50% of the oil?) Be flexible. Not everything has to be split right down the middle - he is better at some things, you are better at others. Divide the responsibilities creatively, not mindlessly.

Answer 6

The first year in any marriage is the hardest. It is a period of adjustment to the other person. An old saying goes that you never know anyone until you live with them.

You kept talking about how much he loves you but never once did I hear anything about whether you loved him or not.

It seems from what you say that you are not working now and he thinks you should have a job. Perhaps if you had a job he might be willing to do half of the house work and not expect his meals cooked. If you have nothing to do but keep the house straightened up and prepare a meal when he gets home, I don't think he is being unrealistic. If you are both working they you should talk about dividing up the household chores and if he can cook, splitting who will prepare the meal.

Answer 7

Marriage counseling might help. Marriage is not 50/50 -- it is 100/100. Each person has to give 100 percent. It sounds like your husband brought some ideas to the marriage that you had not discussed before. Do not have children before you work out these differences. In order to stop the bickering, in the short term, get a crock pot, and make some crockpot meals. When you start the dishes, tell him you'd like to do the dishes together. If you can back off from the arguing part, be may come towards your viewpoint. Read Dr. Laura Schlesinger's "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Care and Feeding of Marriage." Good luck. I'm rooting for you, dear!

Answer 8

What world does he live in that thinks you should do all this alone? Fine if you get home before him start supper, but if he gets home before you, he should at least start it. Your first year is always rough. Getting to know each by living together, finding each others little faults, but also at 6 months into the marriage you should have all that down. They say when talking to a husband or wife we should always use the I word, I wish this would have gotten done today, I know you were busy also. This way they don't become so defensive and stop hearing what your saying. Find a time when both are calm and talk about how this makes you feel.

Answer 9

Okay. I'm begging you to listen to me. The majority of the responses on here have been written by very, very irresponsible and ignorant people telling you to leave your husband. That is ridiculous. These people don't really know anything about your marriage except for the few things you've told us. It is remarkable to me that people would have the audacity to suggest a life altering decision for you when they really have no clue what's going on in your life, your husband's life, and your lives together. PLEASE! Seek the help of a marriage counseler or some professional- maybe a trusted Pastor. But do not rely on people from Yahoo Answers giving you advice after reading one little paragraph about your marriage. That is foolish. I would say INDEPENDENT101 gave the most sound and reasonable advice. And futhermore, many people have said that at 18 you made a "stupid mistake" by getting married and you are "too young". Well, first of all, that's an unfair criticism because they don't know YOU or your HUSBAND. Maybe you were too young, maybe not. But that is irrelivant now. Marriage is a commitment. You don't just walk out. If you expected marriage to be problem free, you were mistaken. There will always be problems. But it is love, loyalty and perseverance that sees you through them. And you certainly don't make a decision based on the advice of people whose NAMES you don't even know. I hope you will take my advice, which is to seek "good advice from reputable people you can trust." I wish you all the best.

Answer 10

The first few months of a marriage are touchy, ironing out things like housework and other responsibilities. However, it doesn't have to be a running battle for months on the same issues.

I'm sorry that you didn't discover this basic mismatch in outlook before the marriage. You're not going to change his mind, so now you have to decide a few things...

Is it worth the emotional abuse to hear him say sometimes he loves you, but sometimes he doesn't?

Is it worth putting aside your own personal goals to become a house-wife for him, and yet STILL have to hold down a job?

You are very young. You don't mention his age at all... Is there a chance that a marriage counselor can help you two work this out? If not... you may need to consider the above questions and decide if you've invested enough energy and heartache in a hard-won life lesson.

Answer 11

You need to let him know that if you both are working that it is 50/50. You should both be doing the housework and the cooking, etc. If he doesnt want to work on the relationship then you are better off alone.. if he really loved you he would care how you feel and want to make things better for you both. Its a two way street. If he expects you to work and cook and clean for him when only bieng together for 6 months ... it looks like he needs to be back home with mama not have a wife.