He has two kids, I have 0. We're both celebate until marriage. He wants to wed right away, and I want to wait. I want to have the engagement, experience the joy of planning a wedding, and most important, get to know him better so I'll know I made the right decision! He says I'm being selfish because since we know that we're gonna get married ANYWAY, why not just do it now? So that we can start "doin what married folks do", as well as so that his children will have a mom. I know he's motivated because of those reasons, but I just don't have that same motivation. I love my life as is (quiet and drama free), and I dont feel the need to rush into anything so quickly. He's becoming increasingly impatient with me. Hes a GREAT guy in all other ways, and I dont wanna lose him, but then again, I dont wanna rush either! Am I the selfish one???
2007-04-03 06:04:47 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
UGH!
This is about RESPECT! RESPECT! RESPECT!
You've already told us that this guy wants you to be his wife for two reasons:
1. To have sex
2. To be a mother to his children
Those are not two good reasons to rush in and get married.
1. He is the one being selfish by trying to pressure you into marriage and even moreso, into having sex.
2. The children have a mother already. What it sounds like is he's tired of being the caregiver of the children and wants some help with that.
He does not respect you at all.
His increasing impatience is about him trying to relieve his sexual frustration.
Take the time to get to know what each of you value.
What happens when he gets angry?
How does he resolve his impatience?
How does he parent?
Are these compatible to your own style?
I think you are right on the mark. You want to take the time and plan and appreciate the joys of engagement, and planning of marriage.
You need to do what is best for you and don't let anyone talk you out of it or you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Don't compromise your values for anyone. The person you are marrying should respect that and nurture that and not trample all over it to just get you into bed and be a maid to his children.
He may be a great guy but he may be a better friend than a husband at this point.
2007-04-03 07:01:28 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
This man wants to rush you into bed and secure a mom for his 2 children, neither of which sounds great for you. As you say, you have a drama free life now. Nothing is stopping you from taking as long as you wish to find a marriage partner. Nothing, that is, except this GREAT guy who wants to rush you into the responsibilities of inheriting a ready-made family. Look at this guy: not only does he want to jump right into marriage (without giving you any of the joy of getting married), but he wants you to start being a mommy before you've even had a chance to get pregnant. He's more of a con man than anything else. He doesn't want to waste any money on your dream wedding, but he wants you to hurry up and make his life better.
You will be making a huge mistake if you marry this guy. He's too impatient--too much in a hurry, and he has too much baggage. The very fact that he calls you selfish, when he is the one who is acting selfishly, is reason enough to either delay or cancel any wedding plans with him. He may have a few decent qualities, but he's lacking the most important ones--the ones that contribute to a happy marriage. He's not the man for you; please, take the time to find that out.
2007-04-03 07:20:45 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you are not being selfish. You just are internally scared of marriage before knowing him completely. If you feel, he's a great guy and is even waiting for marriage to co-habitate (generally, this is the last thing that guys want to wait for). On top of it you say, you can't even afford to lose him, then in my opinion you shouldn't wait.
Nobody and no situation is perfect. Go ahead. Marry Him. One has to mould according to the situation to make the life successful.
If you don't marry him then you may lose him to somebody else and if by then you come to know, yes he is indeed a great guy then you'll have nothing left in hand and you will only be searching for another beau (who has an equal chance of being good or bad)
2007-04-03 06:23:35 · answer #3 · answered by sanjay 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I have to tell you your being smart getting involved with a guy that has kids is huge to begin with but him forcing you into marriage thats a big no no. Marriage is one of the most important aspects of any relationship and should never be
taken lightly. Tell him you will marry when you are comfortable with it if he can't handle that then maybe he ain't the guy for you? Really one of the worse things you can do is to jump into marriage when your not ready for the commitment. It sounds to me like he just cant wait to get you in the sac! Anyways I would explain to him that you want a big beautiful wedding and that all takes time to organize. I think getting to know someone before marriage is very important since you will be spending your life with them.
God Bless and best wishes on everything I hope he is sympathetic to your desires for a nice wedding!
2007-04-03 06:22:27 · answer #4 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Obviously you need to decide for 100% certain if you want to marry him or not. Maybe I'm reading you wrong, but I get the feeling from the question that you're not completely certain you want to marry him.
You need to go do the self pondering, prayer (whatever you need) to really feel certain of your decision. Once you feel certain, you really can plan a great wedding in three to four months (my husband and I did).
Don't rush into marriage just so you can have sex (kudos to you both for waiting though) - get married because you are 100% certain you want to build, and share your life with this man.
2007-04-03 06:19:38 · answer #5 · answered by daisyk 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you want to wait, you want to wait. It's not the matter of being "selfish", it's the matter of what you are comfortable with - and obviously you're not comfortable rushing in. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way. Perhaps trying to be celibate until marriage is taking it over the top; but other than that, having a bit of a longer engagement is not a bad idea.
2007-04-03 06:15:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do not think you are selfish to want the "experience" of waiting & planning. As far as we know we only live once, and marriage is a very important thing. Hopefully you will only do it once as well, so do it right. If you are not 100% ready, i say wait. If he wants you he will wait too. He's asking you to take on a big responsibility. He should understand that you need to be sure. All that you need to decide for certain soon, and not expect him to wait forever. Either you want him and his ready made family or you don't want that responsibility. It is up to you.
2007-04-03 06:18:51 · answer #7 · answered by Stormy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Appears he loves you but he feels rushed to marry you because of his situation with his children, which is a wrong reason to rush into marriage. He is already beginning to discount how you feel. If he really is a great guy I do not blame you for not wanting to lose him, but if you can lose him over something like this then maybe he is not that great for you. Think this situation over, as you will not only be entering marriage to be his wife, but you will also be step mom to his children. And that in itself is an enormous responsibility that should be thought out before taking it on. Best of luck to you!
2007-04-03 06:21:09 · answer #8 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can see both sides of the coin, since it seems you have already agreed to marry him, but I tend to lean that he should back off a bit. It seems he just wants to "get down to business." Is this how he will be when it comes to all important foreplay later in the marriage? Is he just gonna toss you over a chair and take care of himself? Sheesh!
A wedding is something a woman looks forward to from the moment she watches Cinderella slip that shoe on her foot. It's the ultimate preliminary to what he's wanting so darn bad.
He just needs to hold his horses. Besides, 8 months isn't very long considering you are having to ponder two kids in the mix. You need some time to ponder all of this.
2007-04-03 06:20:49 · answer #9 · answered by NONAME 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NO..This is one of the biggest decisons that you will ever make in you entire life! You seem like you don't take getting married lightly. More people should be like this. There is nothing wrong with waiting. You are not being selfish...you are being mature and patient. It is very important to know AND accept the person you are with before you are married. Don't get lost in thinking about an issue you already know the answer to.
2007-04-03 06:14:20 · answer #10 · answered by jklswifey 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋