Should I get a divorce?

Question

I'm married 4 yrs & know my husband 7 yrs. We were v close & thot I found my soulmate & had a perfect marriage, so I concentrated on my career & worked late due to hectic proj schedules.

He started having an affair a yr ago with a woman who's 9 yrs older than him. The woman got pregnant & now they have a daughter. He has been holding off our marriage life cos of this & it has since been unresolved on both sides. He's been staying at his parents' hse. I've given him a lot of time to think about what he wants & yesterday, he told me he wants me back but need to break up with other woman fairly without making her feel that he hasn't given her a chance to prove that they could be together after divorcing me.

He asked me to let him fake divorce papers for her to see & give him another 6 mths - 1 yr to be with her & let her know that he still wants me back. If not, he said she will do crazy things to us.

I find this approach stupid & ridiculous. Should I get a divorce? I'm v fed up.

Answer 1

get a divorce and a real one! that's ridiculous he would even ask you to draw up fake papers and go be with her for a year! that's the craziest thing i have ever heard in my life! don't waste anymore time and get yourself out of that situation

Answer 2

You are correct, his approach is stupid and ridiculous.

You have given him absolute power over your marriage and YOU!! Take back the control.

You have given him enough time to think things through - his answer is that he wants to give this other woman a chance?

He can say all he wants but obviously he's looking at wanting to have two women and the comfort of being looked after by three (his mom included!).

If he was serious about getting back with you he would end it immediately. He is having an affair and it sounds like he is not quite done with the affair with her.

Fortunately you didn't have any children with this conniving rat so when you tell him GOODBYE! you will never have to see him again.

Why would someone want a guy back if he:
a) Doesn't respect you
b) Can't communicate with you (he would have talked about his isolation before having an affair)
c) Doesn't want to end the relationship with this other woman.
d) Wants to play games and pretend to get divorced
e) Uses you like a ten cent piece of toilet paper
f) Will cheat again if he does come back
g) Will lie to you (since he's lying to her) that the affair is over but it won't be because there is a child involved with that other relationship and he will see the mom all time.
h) Thinks the other person he is having an affair with is "crazy" but yet wants to continue to see her.

He has probably given the same line to her about you being crazy and that you would hurt him and her and so he wants time to let you down easy. He's playing both sides.

Why would anyone wnat to put themselves into a situation that some one might do crazy things to them?

My hunch is she won't do crazy things to you if you tell him - BA-BYE?

Pick yourself up, take control, take action and divorce his butt.

Serve him with legal divorce papers and make sure that she gets a copy as well to see. Then he will have to sign it and will no longer hold you hostage.

Answer 3

alright you both promised to be with each other 4 better or worse, dis here is the worst part to that agreement. Your husband is a moron if he thinks that youre gonna let him be and adulter for 6 months. I think you both need to b seperated 4 a while so he can get things straight with his child. It is very important that this child's future is put into perspective. Now he needs to get shared custdudy, and then you two should work on your marriage. I dont think you should divorce over this because I dont think his intention was to get that female pregnate worse things couldve happened. Tell him you will not lie, youre a grown *** woman and just because he has a child with her does not mean they need to be together. As far as the other woman being crazy, well thats why some genius came up with the idea of a police department. It's called a restraining order.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

No one can really tell you waht you want, but I will tell you this: he's immature and selfish. Obviously there was a problem in the marriage but he chose to serve himself rather than be a man and a husband by coming to you to work things out. Now there's a child involved.

If you really want to work things out with him, you have a very long hard road ahead of you. It will takes months, years before you respect and trust him again. WIth all this silliness about fake divorce papers so he can test-drive another relationship (while having a safety net) he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. I will also say this: if you go along with his idea at all, rather than insist he choose, then you are just begging for more heartache than anyone should bear. People who cheat are being childish: they think that because they want, they should have. The notion that what they are doing is hurting other people just isn't allowed inside their heads and they will fight (tantrum) against having to face that. It can take a while. He won't just up and say "okay, now i'm ready to act like an adult"

If you are actually worried about her doing "crazy things" to you, then you can always get a restraining order if she does but frankly that sounds like a very lame excuse to get you to go along with his cake-eating plan. What a manipulative toddler!

Oh and if you think he's just staying at his parents, please wake up (no offense) be assured that he's calling her, seeing her and whatever else to keep all bases covered. I'm sure he's told her all kinds of "my wife doesn't understand me" BS too. That's what cheaters do to justify themselves.

Honestly, in your particular case I don't think it's worth it: because there's a child, you'll ALWAYS have that other women in your life if you stay with him. He can't (or shouldn't) just up and abandon his child and would you really respect him if he did? WHat about when YOU want to have a child? It gets so ridiculously complicated.... and this is only after (for example) a year ot therapy, him going back and forth, playing the two of you off each other so he can feel like king of the hill. Please, I know you've known him a long time but obviously there was something in him you didn't know that he kept secret and what kind of marriage can really do well under those circumstances?

My personal view is that any person who doesn't wake the hell up once they are found out about thier cheating, any person who tries to waffle back and forth is not mature enough to be in a good solid marriage anyway.

As hard as it may be, you probably shold just divorce him and try to move on eventually. There are so many men who want a real solid commitment and are willing to work through any problems WITH their wife. I'm sorry your child-man didn't.

Answer 5

He's an idiot. You deserve better. What's keeping you hanging on? Is it the fear of the unknown? Since he's not man enough to know what he wants, you need to put the pants and boots on and give him a swift kick. What's the point of being married to someone you can't trust. It will drive you crazy! Do you think you could ever trust him again? Be honest with yourself. Sometimes in life you have to clean house and start over.

Answer 6

this man sounds crazy. you've taken to much from him already for him to put this burden on you. this is his problem and he needs to solve it, not you. i'm sure he'll use the divorce papers (fake as they may be) against you later on. he has made his bed so he has to lie in it. If he wants to put his life on hold let him do that but you need to move on. let this looser go, there's no telling what will happen when you take him back after however long.

Answer 7

Fake what!Your sincerity or his big fat affair.If you can forgive him that is good but if you allow his ridiculous ideas to be taken into consideration, he is gone for good!Ask him to leave her but not the kid.The daughter is an innocent one! Try going for a counselling if it is not working out.Thrash it out with her!You will know what is best for you from there!Listen what she got to say sometimes the truth is not presented the way it is unless you get it known yourself.

Answer 8

You need to tell him to choose right now! If he chooses her, then yes, divorce him. If he chooses you and you still want him, then you might consider moving away so the temptation is gone from the other woman.

Good luck with this. You have a long road ahead of you.

Answer 9

I suggest you provide him with actual papers of a legal separation and then give him up to 1 year to make good on his plan.

Make it clear to him that if after on year he is not back to you and living in good standing in your marriage by all the widely accepted traditional rules that you will be forced to give up on him and your marriage and will have to divorce him on the grounds of infidelity.

Answer 10

that is stupid life does not have to be that complicated if he loves u like he says he does and wants u back then it should'nt be a promblem even if she is psyco if he dosent leave her now its going to be harder later for him to leave her the longer ur with someone the more u want to be with them and since they have a child together it makes more drama dont hold on to something u can not have fully if he's not there physically and mentally then why bother u shouldnt have to hurt anymore