My girlfriend is a perfectionist who has extremely high expectations for herself and me.Should I stay in this?

Question

We met senior year of college and have been together for over a year. We live in different cities (100 miles apart) and see each other 2-3 times per month.Recently our true differences have been coming out. She is very logical, fact based, plans a lot, needs stuff to make sense. I am "feeling based", trust my gut instinct, happiness-driven, in the moment type of person. At first we seemed to complement each other, but now we have been fighting, especially over issues like money (she nickel and dimes everything and gets mad when she has to remind me to pay her back)(i think it all comes back in the long run) and thinks I am immature with leaving stuff out, toilet seat up, dishes in sink etc.We seem to have a strong bond for us to have stayed together this long, but is it too much of a sacrifice to deal with such different personalities? Am I being unfair to not change some of my ways?What is the best route to take here?Take a break to realize what we truly have? Beginning to be unhappy.

Answer 1

Is there some particular reason why this has to be "the" girl? Will you fail to inherit billions if you're not married by 7:30 on Saturday?

If you're not just out for free sex, the whole point of dating a girl is to find out whether she's the one you want to marry. Well? Do you want to live with this woman for the rest of your life? Do you want her raising your children? Do you see yourself suddenly becoming "happy" somewhere around your 50th anniversary?

No slight to your girl--she's probably a good woman, and perfectly fine--for somebody else. Apparently, she's not for you. So break it off. It won't be easy, because you've had a relationship for a year. But compare a few minutes of extreme anguish and a few weeks of doubt and heartache to a LIFETIME of "beginning to be unhappy" turning into "I hate her."

Find yourself another girl.

Answer 2

There is a such thing as compatibility to be taken into consideration, long term relationships require some expectations and comfort zones about one another. Everyone is not perfect so she should be able to forgive your short comings. However trust your intincts, I think a relationship should be about two people being happy and make sure a relationship is also meeting your standards or your own expectations too need to taken into consideration.

Money sometimes is the biggest fighter in relationships, my husband nickels and dimes everything. It should be a give and take, a girl should never worry about treating her boyfriend because he is worth it. I am the bargain hunter, anywhere ebay, plane flights, accommodations, ibidz jewellry and cell phone for my husband because it is his birthday. A healthy relationship is not a reality until two people mold their relationship on how they want things to be and it is a personal choice on how people want to live.

Tell the uptight girl to loosen up because it is causing so much stress to be put under a microscope as a perfectionist or you may have to ship out being your last resort. She is the perfectionist and you are the easy going person. A relationship is about accepting each other's faults and weaknesses. I am sure that you have your strengths too as human being. You don't need a person nagging and pointing out your weaknesses. That is just the way I am, accept me for who I am! It is so frustrating to want someone to love you for you who are you and yet you can't be with them/can't live without them.

Just don't be one of those guys who goes around looking for a mother figure, don't normalize or accept what is so abnormal to you in a relationship because you don't have to live accepting 2nd best. Because you only know what you can tolerate and you can't tolerate. There is borderlines with people also, she has to carefully choose her words at all times.

Answer 3

Only you know if you are able to make some sacrifices and could handle living with a person who sees things differently from you on a day to day basis. As you pointed out, you two compliment each other as far as strengths and weaknesses go. The tricky part is putting that to your advantage and people in successful marriages will tell you that it something they had to do. Sacrifices will also have to be made on her part as she will also need to learn that her way isn't the only way and that your feelings matter as well. Neither one of you is wrong, just different. But, again, those differences can be used to your advantage if both of you are mature enough to sit down and discuss what you each do best and what you would be willing to change as well as taking turns on picking things to do - sometimes she has to go with the flow and sometimes you have to go with the plan.

Me and my husband sound a lot like you guys. It's really not that uncommon. Compromise and honesty are what is needed.

But again, only you know if you want to deal with those differences or if you would prefer to wait for someone who thinks more along the same lines as you. Neither decision is wrong, in my opinion.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Well, you two just need to set up some rules of engagement. I think you have the perfect combination of personal qualities. You will keep her from getting "too serious" and she will keep you from being a "too carefree." This is a wonderful balance for a relationship.

The only other question is, "Are you both equally stubborn?" This could be the big demise. But as I said, if you two could learn some healthy ways of expressing your thoughts and you could both learn how to compromise on certain issues, (Taking turns of course) then I think you have a winning combination.

PS I'm a control nut myself and I will tell you that it stems from a really deep insecurity I have. If you can show her that she is "safe" with you then you will see her ease up a bit. For me, because my first husband was a disaster with finances I am terrified about our finances now and I tend to "nickle and dime" my husband to death, but when he has our bills in order and i can at-a-glance the finances and know that we are "ok" and he shares with me what's up now and again... I can go several months and not worry a wink.

Answer 5

Interesting...only because I've been there.

I had a long-term relationship with a girl like you describe. I'm very easy going and carefree. She was not like this at all.

We got along for three years, with several arguments about the oddest things. We ended up deciding we both could do better, and it was for the best.

However, my wife also has some of these tendencies, but nowhere near to the extreme level of my ex.

I think the key is to have a nice, broad 'grey area' in the middle where you two can get along. It also helps to have certain things assigned to each other with the trust that comes with it.

For example-
My wife handles all the money. This way the bills get paid on time and our finances are in order. I was not nearly as diligent when I was single. I did keep ahead of the bills, but I did not find any joy in bookeeping. My wife really seems to enjoy it.

I fix anything that's broken. Inside, outside, on the cars, on the house- whatever. I fix things, and I'm good at it. If something breaks, we both know who's job it is.

Most of the time, there's little stress or pressure at our house. We talk often and enjoy communicating. We don't nag each other, but we do communicate. Herein lies the key...

If your super-organized gal cannot bear the thought of you being disorganized, you'd be best served finding someone who can deal with you the way you are.

Similarly, if her constant nagging is driving you nuts, consider the long-term effects. You will either be beaten into submission or you'll rebel against her ways. Do either of these options sound appealing?

If she's a little too aggressive for you, move on. You are gaining valuable life experience that will assist you greatly in finding the right mate for you. She should respect and appreciate your talents more than she despises your shortcomings. The same goes for your feelings about her- If her good points far outweigh the bad, you know you'll still like her in twenty years.

Align your own priorites, and be honest with yourself. Now is the time in your life when these things should become more apparent, and this trait is one of the things to look for. Remember to discount appearances as a priority, because in twenty years (and after a couple kids) you won't be nearly as concerned about how your wife looks and much more concerned about how much you can rely upon her, how responsible she is, what kind of decisions she makes (and how they compare with the same decisions you'd make) and how much she earns your respect.

If you find someone you genuinely see as an equal, and you see how she works hard to take care of her business, and she's level-headed about taking care of things but strong enough not be pushed around, that's a good catch.

If she'd rather beat you up about small (in your opinion) details, then maybe you're better off without her.

Find someone you get along with effortlessly who feels the same about you. Find someone who has strengths in the areas you have weaknesses, and is willing to help without being critical. Find someone who has weaknesses where you have strength, and give back that same loving willingness to help without being critical.

At this point in the relationship, you shouldn't be concerned with what you'll have to sacrifice....beyond the wet t-shirt contests and the awesome weekend keggers. That stuff will probably have to go...

Answer 6

If you're unhappy now, wait about 20 years when nothing you do is right. I am like your gf - a perfectionist who picks apart every little detail. I drove my husband away...he was miserable. I understand why now, but was too blind to see we were incompatible from the beginning. Finances are a big part of a marriage...if you can't agree now, what will you do later. I would take a break from her and find someone with some similar interests.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Run... run far away and don't go back. I've seen too many of my male friends marry women like this and they are miserable. Changing some "habits" is one thing, but when people expect you to change who YOU are, that's a warning sign. You are who you are and if they can't live with that, it won't work. You should NEVER change who you are to make someone else happy... otherwise, YOU'LL be the one who's miserable.

Answer 8

maybe you will still face the same problem with the next girlfriend again. any woman who commited to relationship and happen to living together, you will face the same problem again. It is how you both going to compromise or work things out together. sorry to say this: you are not ready for marriage yet. both has to give and take.you need to take a break and think for this relationship. Good Luck!

Answer 9

I never been in this situation before, but its only fair if you
change some of your ways. If you feel that she's too controling then the only conclusion is to talk to her.
But if she don't change her ways and you just can't deal with
her anymore, then you might just have to end the relationship.
It sounds like she's controling your life as if you're her child,
just know that you're an individual. But if you think you can deal with this, hey its your choice and your life.

GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!

Answer 10

Get out of there if you are already unhappy its not gonna change. She took you for who you are she can't just go along and change everything about you. And how even bothers guys about putting the seat down, like they are gonna do it (don't think so)!!!