I cheated on my partner Please Help?

Question

Before you all get mad and hate me I hate myself.
I have been married to my husband for 8 years we have 2 children together.
When we first got married i kissed another guy when i was drunk and than again when drunk about 4 years ago and than again drunk a year ago (no im not an alcholic).
Well anyway last night i told my husband cause i could not live with the guilt of kissing another man and of course he got angry with me cause i did betray him.
I told him it ment nothing it always happend on a girls night out and to be honest i dont realy know why i let it happen i love my husband very much.
He has said he forgives me but i really think he doesnt and i really want to make it up to him to show him that i would never betray him again and need some ideas on how i can make the situtaion better.
He doesnt want to leave i dont want to leave and we are a happy family i feel really low and bad for kissing other people.
Please help i need to fix my marriage.

Mark C your a bit harsh....I know i messed up and i dont go out that often i have been out 5 times in 8 years...I can hold my hands up and say i messed up but i do love my husband and writing this for ideas on how to make things better

Answer 1

I don't think the type of kissing you were doing could be considered cheating. Obviously, you were drunk and large quantities of alcohol impair judgement. What I'm wondering is why did you wait till now to tell him? It's happened three times, the last time being over a year ago. What caused you to bring it to his attention now?

Of course he's hurt by your confession. Anyone faithful would be. Maybe you should try some marriage counseling.

I think he probably forgives you and you're making this into a bigger deal than it should be. If you're truly happy with him then apoligize, offer to attend marriage counseling, and move on with your lives. Otherwise, if you keep bringing this up and "feeling bad" about the whole situation-you're going to do more harm than good.

Answer 2

Love is all well and good but are you maybe doing this because there is an underlying issue that you have not sorted out with your husband? You obviously feel guilt, and don't let it eat you up any more than it already has to err is human and we all make mistakes. Maybe start setting aside time for you and the hubby. Can you get someone to have the kids for one night a month so you can go out together or even just being at home and cooking then settling down together with a bottle of wine? We all get a bit bored sometimes. My best friend snogged a guy on a night out about a month ago and she regrets it but I know it is because she feels stifled by her life sometimes but this is normal. Just ask your husband to open up and tell you how he really feels because bottling it up will not help. Take what he says with a pinch of salt, because the words are bound to hurt then get through it. Communication is needed her honey, you obviously want to stay married to this guy so tell him! Good Luck. x

Answer 3

Two points really:
1. Why did you fess up - to ease your own guilty conscience, or because you thought it would serve some useful purpose for your hubby? For yourself I would guess. What you don't know don't hurt you (ain't that the truth!). Unless you knew someone else was going to tell him the only thing you have done is cause him unnecessary hurt. Sorry, but that was just another selfish act on your part.
2. You are right, regardless of any other answers, you did cheat on your husband. It dont matter if it was just a kiss, a one night stand, or a full blown affair - its not the act, its the betrayal of trust. If you love someone you dont hurt them. I agree with others the alcohol is just an excuse - anyone can drink too much and make a mistake, but you should learn from mistakes not repeat them. If it happened before why go out and drink again, you put yourself in the same position with the same potential to cheat - just because your're out of control. Dont put yourself in the position - take control of yourself woman! Dont say sorry and make excuses just dont do it. Maybe the point at which you cheated was not when you kissed the other bloke, it was at the point when you knew you'd had enough alcohol, but just kept drinking??? Cant you have a night out with the girls without alcohol - volunteer to be the driver next time.

Well the damage is done you told him. Sadly he will look at you differently from now on. Cheating is one of those acts that cant be undone there's no going back. You can re-build the trust to some extent, but I dont believe it will ever be the same - how can it be? The flip side of the coin is how you will now feel when he goes out. Does he have the occasional night out with the lads? You can bet your bottom dollar next time he's out and some drunken slapper comes on to him he might approach it differently - I ain't saying he will definately cheat on you, but I bet he will think about it, after all he owes you one now... See what I mean - you set a wicked ball rolling and it will take a strong relationship to stop it snowballing and gathering pace.

Dont forget you didnt just cheat on him you cheated on your kids as well. As you pointed out you are a family, not a couple, you risked their happiness and growing up without their dad just for a snog - was it worth it?

So if this is the man you love (are you sure?) the only advice I could offer is to spend the rest of your life letting him know how much you love him, how special he is to you and try reassure him constantly. Learn to enjoy spare time together and explore things you like to do together, not apart. Just try remembering that you are a wife and a mother - it comes with some responsibility you know. If you really have been lucky enough to find someone you love, who is a good husband and father don't do anything in the future to risk it. It's a rare find these days - cherish it don't waste it.

Ultimately you are an adult, act like one. You have the ability to think and make your own choices - that's what separates some of us from animals.

Answer 4

Lady, kissing another guy IS a lousy thing. But, cheating is a lot more than a kiss. I'm not saying kissing others is OK. But, while lousy, it isn't even in the same category as those who are married, but have lovers. And yes, by lover I mean people that a married person has sex with. You say this happens when you are drinking, on girls night out. BULL. All drinking does is lower inhibitions to the point that a person doesn't just think about doing something, they do it. You need to figure out why you WANT to kiss others. After all, you didn't sleep with women, shave your head, or jump in a river, you played with another guy. Until you figure out what you really want-STOP DRINKING. Find different women to have a night out- or go out with your husband.

Answer 5

Seems obvious to me that you and alcohol don't mix. I've been in his shoes, So I can assure you that he will never forget although he said that he forgives. Hey at least you came clean, I had to find out the hard way and it was much more than a kiss that my ex-wife gave up. It would be easy to just throw out some magical ideas on how to repair this boo-boo that you have made, But instead I will say good luck because if he trusted you before, I'm almost sure he doesn't now. Man what a way to bring drama into your children's lives... I was granted custody of my two after the divorce.

Answer 6

All the words in the world cant retake the damage or blame game away here so Im not going to mention it. The problem it seems is you have trouble when you drink but at least its only kissing and nothing more. I dont think your husband hasnt forgiven you but has troubleforgetting and trusting you when you go out. I think you dont have an alcohol problem but just need to cut back on the drinking a bit, thus eliminating the temptation. Youre a little too hard on yourself but will have to try and regain his trust in you. You may even want to eliminate the alcohol drinks all together when you go out as a way to prove to him that youre trying to change. Time will help here so be patient wth him . Youre not a bad wife here, just cant control herself under drinking but then there are probably thousands out here who cant either. Good luck

Answer 7

I have a friend who seems to do the same things you do when she goes out. My friend suffers from some low esteem so when she goes out with the girls and starts drinking, she then begins to flirt to the point that it makes her friends (especially me) quite uncomfortable. She is in her 40's and feels that she doesn't have it anymore so she then acts this all out when she drinks and her man is not around to see if there is some interest. Could this possibly be your problem? I am not sure why people who have cheated (yes you have cheated in a way) need to tell their spouses. You have this guilt and then you unload your guilt on your spouse so you can feel better but in the meantime your spouse now feels like crap. But you did so now you need to find out what to do to make this somewhat better for your husband whose just had the rug pulled out from under him. My suggestion would be that you do everything he asks you to do so he can trust you again. You don't once complain when he questions where you were at, where you are going, who you were with. You owe him all the time in the world to heal. I would also suggest that you find out why you need to do this kissing thing to make you feel better. Just a suggestion.

Answer 8

And did telling all actually help you to feel better? Somehow I doubt it but what it did do was sow seeds of doubt in your relationship........if nothing happened why did you feel you had to tell? Why not just get a grip on yourself and make sure you did not get drunkenough again to allow the same weakness to creep up. Yes you were bad for kissing other people.....but it was hardly a huge affaair and you have built it into huge proportions. Add some maturity to the proceedings if this is now possible and hope your husband/partner can put it to rest in his mind. You opened the can remember!

Answer 9

Funny....in a not so hilarious way I just found out my boyfriend kissed his best friends girlfriend a few months ago....found out by hacking into his emails and lets just say it wasn't the only thing I found. I will never trust him and to be honest I am sooooo tempted to get him back.

You can bang on all you like about how crappy you feel about it but that isn't what matters. You made your choice and then you took his away by telling him. Why did you tell him? These things usually come back to haunt people anyway maybe you were worried he would find out some other way.

I am trying to forgive my boyfriend (I have two children and it would devastate them if we broke up) but I certainly don't like him.

You are just going to have to pay for your mistakes, you can't make it up to him. Give him time and whilst you are I would watch your back because he may be playing away from home too.

Answer 10

You cant undo the hurt you caused your husband, and why did you think you had to tell him, you should have gone to someone else to unload your guilt on, but the damage has been done so all you can do is show him how much you love him and how sorry you are about all this, next time you go out with your friends dont drink, you can have fun sober, good luck I hope it works out for you