My son decided he was gay and it ripped our family apart .
I am in shock and don`t know how to handle it .
I was always afraid of gays .I was molested when I was 8 by one .
Help !
2007-04-02 13:49:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
I feel for your pain, but you are coming at it in the wrong way on a few key points, the most important being "he decided he was gay." It's never something we "decide," except as it relates to being honest about who we are as human beings. I never asked to be gay, and I'm sure your son never asked to be gay either. He just is.
As to your painful childhood expereience, that was a pedophile--95% of which identify as straight. But this also isn't the crux of the problem you are facing, is it?
It's your son. You are realizing that some of the hopes and dreams you had for your son aren't going to be how you imagined--and that is a mourning process. Everyone deals with this in an individual, personal way, and as much as we would like to help in a practical manner, we can only offer guidance, understanding, compassion where possible, and hope you find healing for both yourself and your family...
Here are a few sites that may be able to help you with coping, how to handle the issues that are going to come up, and maybe connect you with professional counselors who can help your family through this, although I feel the first site will probably be the most helpful and informative for dealing with these emotions and feelings you are going through...
2007-04-02 14:04:30 · answer #1 · answered by jtim24 2 · 5⤊ 0⤋
You should realize that being a gay is not actually a choice. You should understand that coming out in the open is more prone ti criticism, but later will be accepted. Gays and lesbians are people too that needs our understanding and respect. You should realize that child molestation is not exclusive among the gays and lesbians. Its all about the person.
2007-04-02 20:55:48 · answer #2 · answered by dondatu 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First, realize that he's basically the same person he was before he came out. He's still your son. He's family. He's blood. Those are bonds that can't be broken. Second, get to the bottom of what has you so bothered about his sexuality and work on those issues that way you two can have a good relationship again. Good luck and thank you for taking the first step in getting your family bonds strong again.
2007-04-03 00:23:13 · answer #3 · answered by carora13 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
you know your son better than anybody else, you raised him. Is your child a pervert? I'm sure he is not, there are good and bad gay people the same way there are good and bad straight people, I'm sure you raised a good one and your are going to find in your heart a way to accept him and support him. Being gay is just a piece of who your son is, don't let that little part eclipse the whole person he is.
2007-04-02 20:55:05 · answer #4 · answered by rickyhunter 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I've come close, but it never entirely happened.
I am very sorry you were molested. Very sorry. Have you ever had therapy for it? Maybe it would help to resolve these issues and help you deal with your son better, not see the non-existent potential molestor in him.
Please learn to see your son for what he is and not what you're afraid of. Look for the things you loved in him, not for what you hate. Take a look at these links.
2007-04-02 20:55:48 · answer #5 · answered by GreenEyedLilo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok first thing is first, you need to calm down here, its important not to over-react.
i remember when my partner first came out and how his dad was.. so i know a little bit about how you feel.
you need to realise that sexuality choice is no different to liking tea, or coffee, or both. at the end of the day we dont make a choice and it only affects us, we should be allowed to love who we want to.
sadly there are some gay molesters around.. but there are far more straight ones statistically, both sides have the odd couple who shouldn'tbe a part of society, but you need to remember and focus on this, gay doesnt make your son a molester, he wont end up like that.
its important to realise that your son is probably distraught too, coming out is a very very tender, and delicate thing to do, your son is under just as much stress as you are at the moment, if not more. he's standing on a podium for the WHOLE WORLD to judge, and his mindset is that they will judge him to not be worthy, prove him wrong and show that you are willing to accept and love him for who he is, who he has grown into since you held him as a infant in your arms.
your son is probably regretting the decision, and wishing he could go back into the closet, but you need to be supportive of him, and in turn he'll be reassuring and supportive to you.. its difficult to talk about things like this but at this point you both need to make a real effort for it.
at the end of the day, he's your son, for better or worse, you need to show him that you won't condone him as he fears the world will, take that first step, show him that you'll always care about him, and together you'll be able to slowly bring your family back together. he has taken a huge first step by revealing himself, and the last thing that he'll need is to be rejected by those he feels closest too. believe me.. it hurts.
and after all, love is the very foundation of family, it's what holds, and brings, you all together.
2007-04-02 20:57:18 · answer #6 · answered by §ilver 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Well, it's your son, and you should love him no matter what decisions he makes. I can sort of relate, except it wasn't homosexuality that tore my family apart, it was fanatic religion. For the family members that are reacting very unpleasantly, you should probably sit down with them and discuss it, and if they are still unable to come to terms with it, then that's all you can do.
2007-04-02 20:54:14 · answer #7 · answered by Alx 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He didn't rip the family apart. You did. He came out, was honest about who he was. You took an awful childhood assault and instead of working on it, you turned it into a weird hate for a whole group of people. The Universe then gave you a gay son... and you have failed him and your family. If you aren't there for him, guess who will be? Great work, dad.
2007-04-02 20:58:31 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 3⤋
He didn't decide he was gay, he was born gay. And what he needs right now is support. Only one gay man molested you, you shouldn't blame it on alll of us.
2007-04-02 20:53:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
tread carefully either accept him or lose him i lost my family bond 10 years ago by coming out and they could never accept me so i ditched the lot of them as far as im concerned they are all dead cos thats the way i cope
2007-04-03 06:08:45 · answer #10 · answered by arniesmum 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋