What would you do if you were in my shoes, after you found out your husband cheated on you with your sister?

Question

Im a 28 year old woman who just found out a month ago that my husband cheated on me with my younger sister in the past. We have 2 beautiful boys and been together for ten years. There is just so much going through my head right now because i love him so much and trusted him, i never would of thought of this happening i never thought he had it in him. My own family can't believe it, because he was such a great man, i myself can't believe it. Well this is what happend our first child was born in 1999 so this affair started in late 2000 and continued until the middle of 2003. I had my second child in 2002 so this was going on before, during , and after the birth of our second son. I want to fogive him because i do love him and because we have alot of dreams together, but at the same time i feel wrong to even stay with him and kinda get made at myself. I would really appreciate everybodys opinion on this matter it would really help me out. thank you.

Let me add that when this sick affair began my sister was a teenager. (yea i know) and my husband is ten yrs. older than her. I pretty much blame him for everything because he was the adult, he knows it is all his fault and said he made the first move.So that's what keeps me from getting to mad at my sister but then again she should of told me and not let it go on for as long as it did. I keep asking my husband why, what was going through his mind for him to do that over and over again. He just really don't have an explanation for it he said he wasn't thinking . I do believe he loves me now, but back then im not sure. I think he cared about me but did'nt love me the way i thought he did. Also one more thing is even though this ended in 2003 i found out he sent her a picture of himself ( i mean of himself) from his cell phone this past january. So just when i think we can work it out , that picture comes to my head and makes me feel like he was trying to start it again

Let me add that when this sick affair began my sister was a teenager. (yea i know) and my husband is ten yrs. older than her. I pretty much blame him for everything because he was the adult, he knows it is all his fault and said he made the first move.So that's what keeps me from getting to mad at my sister but then again she should of told me and not let it go on for as long as it did. I keep asking my husband why, what was going through his mind for him to do that over and over again. He just really don't have an explanation for it he said he wasn't thinking . I do believe he loves me now, but back then im not sure. I think he cared about me but did'nt love me the way i thought he did. Also one more thing is even though this ended in 2003 i found out he sent her a picture of himself ( i mean of himself) from his cell phone to her this past january. So just when i think we can work it out , that picture comes to my head and makes me feel like he was trying to start it again

Let me add that when this sick affair began my sister was a teenager. (yea i know) and my husband is ten yrs. older than her. I pretty much blame him for everything because he was the adult, he knows it is all his fault and said he made the first move.So that's what keeps me from getting to mad at my sister but then again she should of told me and not let it go on for as long as it did. I keep asking my husband why, what was going through his mind for him to do that over and over again. He just really don't have an explanation for it he said he wasn't thinking . I do believe he loves me now, but back then im not sure. I think he cared about me but did'nt love me the way i thought he did. Also one more thing is even though this ended in 2003 i found out he sent her a picture of himself ( i mean of himself) from his cell phone to her this past january. So just when i think we can work it out , that picture comes to my head and makes me feel like he was trying to start it again

Answer 1

Very sad. This brings back bad memories. My ex slept with my brother. I got divorced. Then, in a weak moment, I gave my word to my father, that I wouldn't kill my brother as long as Dad was alive. Sadly, my brother has since died, so I never got the satisfaction of killing him myself. I recommend ending the marriage. I doubt you'll ever look at hubby or your sister without remembering what they did. I predict that you will end your marriage, and that you and your sister will ALWAYS hate each other. At least, you SHOULD hate your sister. About the only thing she could have done worse would have been to shoot you. But, then at least you wouldn't be remembering her in bed with your man. Your sis is scum. You should treat her as scum. I'd leave hubby, take the kids, and never have anything to do with him or your sister. I saw your update. OK. You may have a point about your sister. IF she was 14-15 when this happened. If she was 17+ then she behaved as scummily as your husband, and I stick by my advice.

Answer 2

I just don't think that I could stay, not after an affair with my own sister. Both are sorry individuals for doing that to you. Truth of the matter is, that neither of them love and care about your or you feelings.....if either loved you .... they would have NEVER had an affair. Sorry to sound so mean about this, but I am sorry, if either cared anything about you, or loved your children, they would have never done this to the family....they had to have known that eventually they would have been found out, 3 years they had this affair, NO....there is no way he would still be in my house, nor would I ever speak or be around my sister...so if the sister was going to be at a family function, I would not go. He needs to go, he cannot be trusted, and neither care about you or the children.

Answer 3

Its OK to get really angry about this. You have been cheated on by two people in your life, not just one.

Don't do anything until the initial rage passes. That doesn't mean you have to be nice to anyone, just don't go doing things you might regret later.

You were all very young when this went on, and now at 28 (I guess he's about the same age) you are all beginning to mature.

You have to make a decision for yourself, and take lots of time to do so. You need to decide if this is something you can ever get over.

If not, then considering children are involved you have to come up with a plan. You could leave or you can cohabit with your husband for the childrens sake. If cohabitting make a plan with him and abide by it (both of you).

If you can get over it, treat it as a new beginning. Do not revisit it ever again, once over it let it be gone for good as you are hurting yourself more than anyone else. But make it clear one more transgression and you are out. You have made a big concession in this, but do not through it back at them as future punishmnent as it's is going to hurt you even more.

Hopefully, now he's grown up a bit he's more stable and less inclined to stray.... it depends on the person.

Good luck.

Answer 4

To have an affair is one thing...but to be betrayed by your husband AND your sister??? And while you were pregnant and bringing more children into your family? I don't know that I could forgive either of them for it. Marriage counseling...and lots of it would be my advice to you. It would be a LONG time before I could even look at my sister again. I mean, its bad enough to have your husband have an affair but people marry and divorce all the time. Your sister on the other hand is flesh and blood and no matter what, she's your sister so it makes it 100 times worse...

That's a tough one...good luck, whatever you decide!

Answer 5

OMG your sister, what type of husband would do that to his wife. You must be feeling like your world has been torned apart. Betrayed by a husband and sister. Only you can make the choice to forgive. I'm not sure if I could forgive such an act like this from the man I loved and a sister who is blood family to me and should have never allowed this. I blame both for this, she wasn't a stranger. I hope you can find some peace.

Answer 6

Hi there, just would like you to know that I have a similar story which my husband was cheating on me with my brother's wife. I can understand exactly what you are saying, you think you are alone and no one in the world can feel the pain you have in your heart and even all your body. And as you said if you love him you can't turn your back and leave.
For me, I have worked and fight for my life my family not to be destroyed. I know its very painfull and you will never forget and maybe till now I didnot forgive him but this is the way I think about it at least I still have my family and I feel great for what I did, keeping my family together. My kids and especially he really appreciate it now. Although I still have the pain in my heart and I do sometimes remember what he did for me I suddenly think of how I won the situation never let anybody destroy what I have built through my life even my husband. Beleive me if you think this way you will servive, feel great about yourself and what you want from life.
At the end I donot want to end up putting myself in my husband's shoes regreting on something that will heart my kids and my family.
And for the *****, I always say a day will come and I will take my revenge for what she did for me and my family.
I am a loving person and feel great about myself. Hope you feel the same.
Take care.

Answer 7

What they did is really sick and disrespectful. I'm sure it has been humiliating for you. The only way I would take him back is if there was absolutely no communication between him and your sister and if he is able to understand what the h*ll he did to you and your marriage. I don't know if our marriage could survive that. My husband had an affair with a co-worker. But if it was a family member it would be that much more difficult to bear. I would get in to therapy just to have an outside person to help guide you through this.

Answer 8

First of all, I'm so sorry. It is so shocking to find out that you've been cheated on. It's upsetting because it went on for such a long time, right under your nose. He hasn't done it in awhile which is a good thing but still... others are right- he doesn't deserve you. If he came clean it's clear that he wants to move on and right what he has wronged. I think that you need to talk every last detail out with him, find out what on Earth he was thinking. If he can't talk to you, doesn't seem saddened by his actions he needs to go. If you two can move past it- all the better for you and your children. Good luck and keep your chin up.

Answer 9

Well what does your sister have to say!

I support you and would think half of you would want to take his belongings and douse them with gas the moment he pulls in tomorrow from work! The other half loved him, married him and trusted him and you had a family! What a jack ---- to do this while you were in between children.

I'd go to talk to someone with him and alone to work through the sadness and anger.

How does he feel. Does he regret his behavior?

I am sure if he is sorry you can forgive him in time.

Your sister is another story. I guess time will heal all your wounds. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 10

Wow, that is a tough one. I personally would never be able to live with a man that I did not trust, and I could not trust a man that would cheat on me, but that is just me, I know people that have had their spouse cheat on them and there relationship withstood it and actually got better. I guess the bottom line is that you have to do what you have to do, and if you think you can forgive him and trust him again, give it a try.

Your sister on the other hand, (I know that you didn't ask) I would go over to her and beat the living sh1t out of her, and then turn around and do it again. She is your blood, I would never want to see that bit#h again, and I don't think to many people in your family would disagree.