I would like to get opinions about my relationship that is going bad...?

Question

My husband is a good man. He also has OCD and is a compulsive gambler. Right before Christmas, he hit my 8 yr. old (his step-son). I called the police and he is on probation now because it was a first offense. We are trying to patch things up, but he refuses to admit to his gambling problem. He blames our financial difficulties on me "talking him into major purchases"- which may or may not be true. I think it is really all the "little things" like hitting the drive-thru every night on his way home from work, and the like. He does nothing around the house. His attitude is that he earns the money and I do EVERYTHING else. It is not that I am perfect- far from it, in fact. I know there are things for me to work on, but I am really stuck on this right now, because he wasn't always like this. When we first started dating, he made me feel more loved than anyone ever had-even my parents. I struggle with Major Depression, and that I began to like myself again was a big deal to me.

Thanks to everyone. The reason I don't work is because we can't afford child care and I can't leave the kids with him. He will ignore them and sleep. And the more I write these things the more I see how horrible the situation is, and the more I want it to change. I guess I just thought that he would get help. He does take meds for his OCD, but he rarely sees his therapist. He also has a panic disorder. I know that these are diseases and that he can be better if he chooses to. I am just afraid that he will not choose to.

Answer 1

I feel for you and for your son. I think you need some depth of understanding of your circumstances. I'm a social worker (MSW), and I will speak from professional and personal experience--you see, I had 2 parents who behaved like your husband.

As much as you would like to claim that your husband is a "good man," you also report that he physically assaulted your son, he has an addiction (gambling and possibly fast food and who knows what else), and he is uncooperative and dishonest with you. You sound like those mothers whose children have committed murder or other violent crimes, and they say, "But you don't know him; he's really a good kid." Nonsense. If he's good, he will be good virtually all the time, and if he's not, he will take pains to make amends. Moreover, it's when people are under stress that you see the real measure of their character, and it sounds like your husband's character is lacking. Married people need to be honest, cooperative, helpful, gentle, loving, honest and committed to improving the relationship, and that he ain't.

OCD is a diagnosis that he probably got from somewhere, like a psychotherapist. In shrink-speak, it's what's known as an Axis I diagnosis, which means a major mental illness. However, in psych, diagnoses are slippery things, and he may actually have another, related problem. For instance, there's a condition called "obsessive-compulsive personality disorder," which has some characteristics of OCD, but some differences. OCPD is considered an Axis II (or "personality") disorder. One difference between Axis I and Axis II disorders is that the patient usually recognizes that an Axis I disorder is a problem. However, with an Axis II disorders, the patient doesn't recognize that they have a problem--they think their behavior is normal, and Axis II conditions/personality disorders are difficult to treat. You might also want to learn about Asperger Syndrome, which is a type of disordered thinking and relating to others.

You can read the articles below to learn more. My main point is this: Your husband's unwillingness to admit that he has problems means that any attempts on your part to get him to change will fail. It's pretty awful that he's already been arrested, and he still doesn't really consider that his behavior is bad. If an arrest won't convince him, what will?

There are some people who would say, "You must have known that he was like this," or they say, "There must have been some signs before you got married." Dr. Laura is known for saying this, and for being quite unsympathetic to people in your circumstances. Here are some possibilities I'd like to show you:

1. You may have seen some signs, but you were too impatient to get married to take his faults seriously.
2. You grew up in an abusive home, and so you don't have a strong sense of right and wrong. Because you saw and/or experienced abuse, you sorta think it's normal. People who have been abused often guess at what's good, what's normal, and they put up with too much crap from others. They tend not to stick up for themselves until things are way out of hand.
3. Your husband, in addition to being uncooperative and addicted, has another characteristic of addicts, which is, he's manipulative, and a charmer, with a sort of Jekyll-and-Hyde character. It is possible he did behave differently in the earlier days of your relationship.

In reality, a combo of these 3 things is probably true in your case. So sure, you have some things to learn too, but you're not abusing people or gambling away the money.

I'm really sorry that you used love as a sort of drug to get over your depression. It was a mistake for you to have put your healing faith in another person. In my heart, I wish you would ideally put it in Christ. But even if you aren't willing to do that, I hope you see what a mistake it was for you to like yourself only as a reflection of somebody else's liking you. It concerns me that you were so desperate for this acceptance that you were (are?) willing to sacrifice your son's safety and security in order to keep your husband. Do you imagine your son wonders why you are still with his stepfather who has hurt him? By the way, where is his biological father? The things in this paragraph would be good things to discuss with a counselor.

Do you have somewhere you can go, away from your husband, such as parents or a trusted friend? I think you should not be around your husband since it sounds as if he's not really interested in cooperating and being a family man. Also, separating yourself from him could show him you mean business, that you are only willing to be in relationship with him if he is willing to be healthy with you, your child, and himself. If you don't have anyplace else to go, look into going to a battered women's shelter.

You should be aware though, that your husband may not be interested in improvement and change, and that you will have to live your own life, without him. Living your own life: I think this would be a good starting point for you anyway, no matter what he decides to do. You need to decide what is a good life and good values, for your and for your child, and pursue these things. I wish you the very best.

OCD: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder
OCPD: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_personality_disorder
Asperger Syndrome: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s

Answer 2

He doesn't sound like a 'good man' to me. Why do you make excuses for him? Sure, when you first started dating he treated you like a queen. Those guys always do - it's how they get the woman hooked.

Get a job, earn your own money, and keep it in a SEPARATE account that he cannot access. If you want certain purchases, then buy them yourself! Your work can do direct deposit for you so a check never arrives at the house. When you end up divorcing this guy (and you more than likely will since they rarely change), you will need to go to work to support yourself and your son so you'd better get started now. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet. It is your responsibility as an adult. Besides, if he ever 'slips' again into violence and you do nothing about it, YOU can now be held legally accountable for the safety of the child since his violence is now documented.

Besides, if you hadn't already guessed, money is power in a relationship. If you are 'earning the money' as he does, he cannot take that attitude with you that he has done in the past. Also, knowing that you can support yourself is extremely empowering - which can very well cure your depression. Stop relying on him for financial support. Yes, you will have to go through the drudgery of working for a living - welcome to the real world.

Answer 3

Gambling is a dis-ease...you know that. It is almost worse than alcoholism because our society says it's "fun" and, of course we allow the lottery which is just a different form of gambling. Anyway, your husband has a serious problem. He may be a "good man" as you say, but this is not good.

Money pressures can be very hard on a family. A man prides himself on being able to take care of his family. They suffer huge self-esteem failure when they see they are 'losing it' financially. You can help your husband a lot by controlling spending and letting him know you love your home together and are satisfied. He has to know that things are under control...no more big expenses, etc.

Many men do NOTHING around the house (join the club). I have a good man, too, but he seems to be blind when it comes to housework. I have a lot of baskets around for this and that. About once every two weeks, I put earphones on, listen to tapes, and tear into the baskets! I pile 'his stuff' in baskets...he eventually can't find things and will start working through the piles. Ha!

Feeling the love of a good mand is so fabulous. It takes tender care to keep love flourishing. We human beings are not very good at it, unfortunately. We fall in love, and unknowingly, set about destroying it! Our differences start clashing and we wound one another.

There are wonderful 'relationship' sites on the Internet. The only way to save a marriage is through education. It just doesn't "happen" that some people stay happily married for 30-40 years....they put WORK into it!!!!!!!!!

Hitting an eight year old boy is not forgiveable. Big shame on him!

Answer 4

For one he is a gambler, he is going to blame you for the money problems. He won't admit it is him because he would have to get help for his problem, so to him it is your problem. Hitting your son is something that would concern me. No one is perfect by no means, but just because he makes the money doesn't mean he can talk and act like your the biggest problem he has. His biggest problems are gambling and anger. As long as he will not admit to being a gambler your fighting a losing battle with him. He will always think it is someone else to blame for his problems. Keep up on working on yourself, that will make life easier and making decisions will come better and easier for you. You are number 1, so take good care of yourself, so you can take care of your son.

Answer 5

Well I think that your husband is in denial with himself and the others around him. I think that this marriage could work out if your husband would realize his mistakes and try his hardest to make things work out.If you and your husband work as a team to put this marriage back on track then you will feel the way you felt when you and your husband started dating.
Let him know how you feel and maybe he will open up to you. Just learn how to not blame things on each other and work to fix the problems that you have as a family and as a married couple TOGETHER. When all you do is point the finger at each other then nothing will get fixed.
Work together to help your husband overcome his gambling problem and if you spend alot on expensive things then work on that as well
Best of luck. Hope this answers your question!

Answer 6

I know this is gonna be difficult for you to hear, but you need to leave this man. Thats like saying it was okay for him to hit your son. You don't want your son to grow up and think its okay to act that way nor do you want your son to hate you for staying with him. If you are not going to leave him, you should consider moving your son with your parents or someone more responsible because your son does not deserve to live in a household as you described. I think you were only thinking about yourself for taking him back and not about your son. I am sure you will feel a lot happier about life if you just pack your things and go. If he wants to be a compulsive gambler then let him be, but don't be there to watch him fall.

Answer 7

You may want to see a marriage counsler. His gambling problem and fast food addiction can drain the bank account real fast. If you want him to help out more around the house then quit doing things for him. Or tell him that you need a break and leave for awhile. I can only give suggestions I am not a professional.

Answer 8

To accept what bad things a person doses to you is like saying its OK to treat me this way you don't want your son growing up thinking its OK to hit people when your mad. The only thing that matters is your love an happiness that's whats holding the family together. He is not happy with his self that's why he dose dumb things, he thinks they will make him happy not! but the truth is he thinks he doing nothing wrong so leave him alone completely alone he has to know he is wrong then he will at least try to change make things on your terms an yours only. GOD BLESS

Answer 9

When you first started dating did you care for him more than you do now ie cooking meals and doing house work? I'm not really understanding why he would stop by the drive thru or why you would expect that he does house work, he is your husband to my understanding our job as wives is home and hearts. Also you both need to communicate, talk to him and find out what has changed inside of him.

Answer 10

not sure what the question is; if he spends all the money, he's a control freak; why don't you get a part time job? getting help with your depression?

I personally wouldn't be with a man that hit my child and I had to call the police on him, that would have been the end of it.