How can I convince my partner to spice things up?

Question

We've been married 11 years and our sex life is confined to the bedroom and 2 positions. I'm totally bored with our relationship and feel like our marriage has become like a sentence.
If I purchase any toys, books or lingerie and ask to try something new or try to talk to my wife about our relationship in the bedroom she gets angry about it and tells me we're "too old" for "these" things (even a different position in bed) and tells me we're not kids anymore. She tells me if I'm not satisfied with her and that I should leave her and the kids and get a "hooker", or says other hurtful things. If I ask to go to couples therapy she also gets mad.
I've tried candles and romanting music, and sexy notes but she tells me that if I loved her I wouldn't ask for anything else.
We have 2 great kids that I love, I want to work this out but I find now I often fantisize about what it would be like to have a partner that was passionate and open minded.
Does anyone have any realistic advice?

Answer 1

Don't approach her from a sexual point of view approach from an emotional point of view. I'm assuming that she's a housewife so she probably spends all day being judged and picked on stressed out. She needs a break and the last person she wants to hear she's unsatisfied from is her partner. Be more romantic and tell her how beutiful she is. Do housework take the kids out. Ask her about her day. Have someone watch the kids and have a date night. Stretch your creative writing muscles and tell her how thankful you are to have her in your life. The whole mission is to make her fall in love with you again.

Answer 2

Well you have come to "impasse" as they say. Maybe in the beginning of the relationship, if there was a passionate chemistry, well maybe those "two" positions were enough. Now you are announcing to your partner that it is simply not enough for you and she is announcing that she is perfectly content with the way things are. What to do? Interesting question. If we were in an enlightened society that did not guilt trip us with religion, and obligation and expectation, you could take another partner. But then you will have violated a basic truth in the relationship..namely trust. I think it takes great courage to change and move forward. You must decide if this is going to be acceptable year in and year out, for the "children's sake" because my friend you are one step away from acting on this whether you know it or not. Thoughts turn to actions IMO. I would suggest going to a therapist by yourself and after a few sessions let your wife know that there are "problems" and you are not happy continuing like this. Perhaps she could see the therapist by herself for awhile and then you could see the therapist together. The outcome will be the following: she will change and accommodate you a bit more after she does some contemplation with the therapist's help. Things will stay the same, or the marriage will dissolve if you decide, based upon her unwillingness to accommodate your desires, to leave. Ultimately you will both need to make a decision now that you have told her where you are at.

Answer 3

Wow, that is just tough. I am married too and I know that at various times during a long-term relationship like that marriages can get a little steal and sex ho hum drum. But, the fact that you are trying everything to get her going and it isn't working- I don't know what else you should do. I mean why wouldn't she want to spice it up as well. Maybe you should try to schedule a nice date for the two of you. Just an all night affair if you can get someone to watch the kiddies for you. Maybe even book a hotel room some place local. Take her out and just romance her all the way- wine and dine and just set the mood just right. And then just let her know how much you love her and just want her. Tell her you just want to love her and please her like you feel in your heart about her. I mean I know if my husband came home and said that- it would be on. Maybe there is something else there going on with her. She might be having some personal self-related issues. She might not be feeling too confident with herself for whatever reason. You know us women we go through stuff all the time. Man- I hope something will work out for you. Good luck!

Answer 4

Have you tried sitting down with her, and telling her exactly how you feel about it? Maybe just letting her, that it's not always about being kinky or crazy in the sack, but finding out how to please one another, and reaching a new level of intimacy. You could also try an intimacy retreat for couples, a mini vacation away from real life and the kids. It might be the thing she needs to come out of her shell. Sometimes people are afraid to try new things, afraid they will look stupid or do something wrong, and the only way the now how to react is by being negative and mean. Hope this helps a little. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Believe it or not, women are very visually stimulated as well, so you might try tanning, or start wearing more fashionable clothes if you think that may be an issue. Women like to think other women are looking at their man and wanting him as well. Don't pressure her about it anymore or bring it up, that will just turn her off so try leaving some books or "toy" catalogs around for her to see on her own. For a woman to get back into the groove of wanting you sexually, you have to woo her, wink at her across the table, then nothing else, no mention of sex. Later stand behind her and just smell her neck and say MMMMMMMmmmm , then nothing more, just leave her hanging with these subtleties, no pressure....Grab her hand and just softly rub the palm in a circle then up her wrist, then drop her hand and go on about your business. She needs to wonder what's going on in your head, you need to become a mystery to intrigue her and regain her interest sexually. Right now she's just thinking of you as a dog in heat. Make her WANT YOU again.

Answer 6

Sorry but you just have a different sex drive than her, not much you can do about it. She was this way before you married her (at least there were signs), so you can't really blame her. She has already said she isn't willing to change, so you only have two options. Either live with it or find someone new. I wouldn't recommend the first as you will be one unhappy camper for the rest of your life, and you need to be careful with the second. Realistically you should divorce her and find someone to make you happy, this isn't the way to go through life.

Answer 7

Realistic advice; the problem is that girls at a young age are told "nice girls don't do those things". this often makes them like this with their hubs because they can't turn it on and off as easy as we'ld like. I had go arounds and go arounds with my wife also over simular issues and my arguement is, NO, I don't want a whore, or another woman, been there, gone that route and HOME is were my love is, HOME with my wife. I insist that this issue isn't one that should linger through out life as life is far too short. Women also, don't think like us at all. To you I reccomend talking to your wife about how you feel REMEMBERING she is NOT to blame here.WHAT?
SHE IS NOT TO BLAME. WE, men and women are built differently, are different emotionally, etc., etc. she cannot help what she is. Start by taking her on get aways (romantic ones, not a football game) AWAY from the kids. Always remember that we can turn our wangers on like a light switch, but she needs a LOT more than that. Foreplay doesn't start in the hotel room , or even when you take the get away, It starts in the planning of the trip and before. Instead of critisizing her bad points, pick on her GOOD points and constantly barage her with compliments. Sneak off and make a list if you need to of things you love about her, and TELL her about THOSE points. Never lie about it, just bring them up. After you've done all that, and you get her away from the kids etc., give her an all body massage, with lotion or oil and don't have sex. Think about relaxing her only. If you get too excited, take a break. repeat as needed. Always during this, tell her what you like about her. Get on the net and or buy books etc. on massage technics. This is the way I did. Finally my wife began responding and sparks really started to fly. And later, she gave herself to me totally and completely. Now, it's all about HER. It's great now , all is good.

Answer 8

Wife, two kids, boring sex. I can't help but feel that other things are going on as well. You have an itch and your using this forum to twist this to your advantage and perhaps make her read some of these. If all you want is torrid sex, than go hang around strippers. You will leave with an empty wallet but penis boy will be happy. Or just give up the porn. You decide which is best.

Answer 9

Book a nice hotel room somewhere, get a babysitter if you kids are smaller and take a mini-weekend trip to a different city. While you're there tell her this is your romatic weekend and do the candles and music. Make the most of it. Sometimes getting away from the stresses that are at HOME helps in situations like this. :) Good luck.

Answer 10

Wow...she really says that to you? That's no good, and for being your wife...she should really be stepping up her game. Especially in the bedroom department, because sex is almost like trust...w/o it..you have nothing. I think those two pretty much go hand in hand, but as for the comments she makes to you about getting a "hooker" hey, you don't need to get a "hooker" if you are really inclined to have other sexual positions in the bedroom and she isn't making any effort...well I hate to say it but, go look for someone who is willing to have a discreet encounter with you, to satisfy your wants/needs in the bed. And NO discreet encounters do not always have to mean "hookers" or "escort services" despite what society thinks. You can just as easily meet someone through a dating service or what have you, who is clean and discreet and w/ no strings attatched. So I hate to encourage you to "cheat" but if I was in your position and my husband was acting like that, sadly I would just get so fed up...and find someone who would satisfy me. Anyways I hope you find what you're looking for, and really...being sexually frustrated is no way to live...you have to get some, and get it the way you want it, or it's just not as satisfying physically or mentally.
**So do what you have to do sweetie, and keep it low key if you must.**