When should I tell her?

Question

My oldest daughter is from my first marriage and her father has never seen her( we seperated when I was 3 months along). My current husband adopted her 3 years ago and he has been a dad to her since she was 3 months old. She is now 6 and is asking questions about why she and her sister( from current marriage). My husband says that he could care less if she ever knew. Personally I think that it would be something that she would want to know. What should I do? Should I wait till she is old enough to figure it out herself or tell her soon? Should I go against my husbands opinion? HELP???

Answer 1

It's not clear what your 6-year-old is asking. It's pretty clear that your husband would prefer to be known as her FATHER. Don't blow that off. This man married you and adopted your daughter as his own. That's an enormous, and wonderful, committment. That's phenomenal! A lot of men wouldn't do that. Now it's time for you to honor his committment--he doesn't want her to know that she has "another daddy." He knows that will confuse her and raise questions and doubt in her that she does not have now. As far as she knows, HE is Daddy, and that's the way it should be. It's time for you to ALLOW HIM TO BE HER DADDY. You're not. All of this is "What should I do"--I, I, I, not "we." That's pretty telling. The only reason that I can tell she has any questions is because YOU are making her doubt. This man has been her dad since she was 3 months old--she has no memory of "another daddy"! Unless YOU put them in her head. That's cruel. That's selfish.

Next time your daughter comes up with any kind of "who's my daddy" kind of question, you just give her the big eyes and exclaim, "Oh my gosh! Daddy's right over there! Go give him a BIG hug!!!" End of explanation.

When your daughter reaches maturity (legal age) and ASKS you for information about her alternative father, tell her whatever she wants to know. If some medical reason arises before that, that will be your time to tell. Otherwise, there's no reason to set her searching for her father when her REAL DADDY is right there RIGHT NOW!

Answer 2

I think your storing up a whole load of trouble if you don't start telling her things now. What you need first are the answers so start preparing YOURSELF. There's going to be a lot of "whys" so you better have the correct information. One thing I wouldn't do is run her biological father down in anyway at the same time I would explain what a special man your husband is for adopting her etc. I'm gonna give you the same information I give everyone else research the information you need properly on more expert and informative web sites. All your getting here is an opinion what you really need is professional advice. Good luck you sound level headed enough to do the right thing. x

Answer 3

Hi,

Sorry I'm a bit confused! Do you mean, your husband would care less about you daughter if she found out he wasn't her real dad? Or that he doesn't mind you telling her?

I think 6 years old is old enough for her to have a basic understanding.

I think you should decide what to do with your husband. Don't oppose him - this needs to be something you do together. Try to come to a compromise with him about when you will tell her, if he doesn't want to tell her right now.

Personally, I think the younger she finds out, the better. If you wait until she's a teenager, when she's confused about everything else in her life anyway, it could really confuse and upset her. Whereas at her age she is more likely to accept and deal with it after a short while.

If your husband agrees that you can tell her, you should sit her down and just explain the situation in a way you think she will understand. Tell her that your husband really wants to be her Daddy and loves her very much.

Good luck

xx Emmie

Answer 4

First off you need to talk to your husband about it...and then you both need to sit down and talk to daughter...explain in 6 yr old terms what a dad is(your husband) and then what a biological father is....tell her that husband is dad but bio is someone else...let her ask questions and answer them do not give more info then she asks for! This is a conversation that will evolve over the years until she is an adult w/understanding from your husband you can all get thru this. But don't lie to her....she will eventually find out and then you're in for a lot of problems!

Something I found that I have on fridge for my 12 yr oldstep-daughter(she loves it).....

Born of my heart....Our bloodline is spirit.....YOU ARE MY HEART-DAUGHTER!

Answer 5

Tell her as soon as she starts asking the questions. Back it up with love and reassurance. Let her know that your father (or mother) has less to do with genetics and most to do with who loves you, cares for you and raises you.

If you leave it and dont tell her you can bet your bottom dollar the truth will come out. It's sod's law - if it can happen it will happen and someone will let slip. She will then feel that her childhood has been based on a lie instead of love. If she grows up with it then it will just be normal to her. Younger children have a wonderful capacity for accepting things at face value. If you wait until she is a teenager or young adult she will have so much going on with her life and body,etc it will be ten times worse.

I think your husband needs to back you up this so he can stress how much he loves her and views her as his own. Don't forget he may just be feeling nervous and vunerable about the whole thing.

All the best with it.

Answer 6

Whatever you do,don't wait until she is old enough to figure it out.I'm speaking from "her" point of view.I have been there where she is.4 years ago my mom hands me a photo of this "dead' man in a coffin.She says,"This is your real father". Now this man lived in my neighborhood as I was growing up and I never knew he was my dad..I was in my early 50's when this happened.You can't imagine the anger,hurt and mis-trust I had for my mom.I have just [after 4 years] now started talking to her again..All my life I thought this man on my birth certificate was my dad..Then to find out the truth,after it was too late to know my dad, was more than I could bear..
I now have a half-sister that I love dearly,but not having a relationship with my biological father,was takened from me..
So, please think of your daughters rights.She has the right to know and maybe have a relationship with her father.
I'm sure your husband is a wonderful father to her and shows her the same love and care as her biological father would.But she needs to know the truth.Now,when you tell her,is up to you.Only you know if she is mature enough to understand about her father...
If you don't tell her and she finds out on her on,you two will always have a wedge between you..I know,I'm there right now.I love my mom,but I can't forget what she did to me.She cheated me and my dad out of a life together.
Good luck, and Put "her" happiness first..ladybug

Answer 7

My youngest son was born when I was nearly 40; his dad had no interest at all,and left the country when he was 6 months old.
He also started to ask questions when he was about 5. I had been very badly hurt by his father's desertion, and found it difficult to talk to my son. i told him the truth, very simply; that his dad had loved him very much, but he was young and a long way from his own home at the time, and the homesickness was too much for him. He went back to Hong Kong. A few days later, I found my son on the phone, telling me, "mam! I found a phone number for my dad! we can ring him!"
Oh my god.
I had to explain, very gently, that I had written to his dad many, many times; that I had phoned; that I had gone to Hong Kong to look for him; and that if his dad really wanted to see him, he would have tried to get in touch.

He did seem to accept that, but went through a long phase of not wanting to know anything. I have a long term partner who is the only father my son has ever known. Recently, (he is now 15) he has shown an interest again. I told him if he wanted to seek him out, I would have no objection, but to talk to me first.
I think it's best to be truthful with your child from the beginning; it keeps the doors of communication wide open for you and her; We all have a right to know our origins. If you satisfy her curiosity now, she may not want to know any more.

Answer 8

Honestly, I think you made a huge mistake by ever keeping the truth from her in the first place. She should have always known that your husband isn't her biological father!! It is great that he stepped up and is raising her, but she has a right to know who her real father is! She will be devestated to find out that her daddy really isn't her daddy!! Wow - I think you better sit her down and talk to her as soon as possible! She will find out the truth, and if it doesn't come from your mouth she will resent you!!

Answer 9

I would not go agains my husband wishes... this is your husband. Talk to him find out what he is thinking. Let him know what your thinking. Your daughter is both of your so I think that both of you should deside this together.

If you want to have a good relationship with your husband you have to respect his wishes, but in turn the same should be held true for him he sould also respect your wishes. Finding a compermise sounds like a solution to this issue. You both must agree upon this. Talk to him, tell him how you feel and to think about it from the other side what if that was really his child and you are now married to someone else, give him that to think about.
Best of luck

Answer 10

make up a story book beginning with pictures of when you were pregnant with her. bring in when you met her father (the real one who loves and cares for her) the adoption - everything. Next time she asks questions show her the story. For goodness sake never lie to her or leave her to work it out for herself. She will never forgive you and the oldeer she is when she works it out the more she will resent you both. Sart telling her the truth now and she will take it for granted.