Why wont my daughter leave her abusive husband?

Question

She married at 19 and is now 27.....she has 3 children.....he is both verbally and physically abusive.....both in front of the children.....she has left him several times.....has called the cops...but his family has a "big name" in the community so they convince her to go back....her mother -n- law told her that God says you are to do whatever your husband wants....I've said everything that could be said to her.....she has the classic battered wife answers...."I shouldn't have said that to him"...or "I did this to provoke it".......I've told her that NOTHING she could say or do justifies being beaten......I worry about the children....she is an educated woman...why wont she leave him?

Answer 1

battered women tend to stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons." Among those reasons: women are still positively reinforced during the honeymoon phase; women tend to be the peacekeepers in relationships - the ones responsible for making the marriage work; adverse economic consequences; it is more dangerous to leave than to stay; prior threats by batterer to kill self, or children; or to abscond with children; lost self-esteem; and no psychological energy to leave - resulting in a learned helplessness or psychological paralysis.

She may fear being killed, being left homeless, or becoming destitute. Her abuser may threaten harm to her children, other family, or pets. A battered woman is often isolated from family, friends and support and sustains a constant barrage of insults which convince her she is unworthy of a better life. Abusers often control a battered woman’s money and transportation. Even if a battered wife is affluent and able to leave, she may fear her husband will use his money and connections to track her down.

Domestic abuse is rarely a single episode and escalates over time, but a battered woman alone must decide to seek help. A battered woman is more at risk of being murdered when leaving an abuser.

Simply telling a battered woman she doesn't deserve abuse can plant the seeds for a new life. Hearing you confirm she has the right to live violence-free and express her thoughts, feelings, and emotions, might be the first time a battered woman has heard the truth. Your kindness and encouragement to seek help can be the catalyst a battered woman needs to seek out her options, and eventually escape domestic violence.

So, go on encouraging and helping her, eventually she will open her eyes by herself.

Answer 2

Well, I'm sorry to hear about that, it's a sad situation for everyone involved. It sounds like her husband's family is ignorant. I don't know how much more you can do, it sounds like she's really int this for the long haul, he's obviously gotten her to believe that "this is how it is" and "you won't do better than me" kind of thing. That's ignorance talking too. I was brought up in a verbally abusive environment, and when I moved out on my own for the first time, the bf I was with, I saw his true colors in year of living with him (we dated for 2) and in the second year, I realized I didn't have to live that way, something inside me snapped and I decided things were going to be my way and I moved out =) Just do the best you can with her, give her hotlines and shelter information (if she needed it) that type of thing. Best Wishes!

Answer 3

Why won't she leave?
1. "The devil in the house is better than the unknown on the other side of the gate"
2. No self esteem
3. Likes it
4. As battered wife syndrome
5. Knows she has no way to support herself
6. Figures this is the only guy who will want her.
7. No guts

Answer 4

I can feel your pain and confusion. Many women, no matter how well-educated do not feel as if they are worth anything to themselves and society unless they have a man; or a man has them in a relationship; no matter how horrifying the relationship is.

Somewhere in her mind, she has convinced herself that she is worthless without this loser; and this type of thinking goes along the same lines of the alcoholic or drug abuser. Things will not change for the better until they admit they have a drug and alcohol problem, or need to get out of the abusive situation.

I was friends with a woman years ago, who was being physically abused by her husband, and she did not want to find her way out until her husband began turning his abusive attentions to her children.

Her husband was also related to people in town with a big name (too bad they didn't have the big brains to go with it-)Your daughters mother-in-law sounds like she is abused also, and this is the typical cycle of abuse. Cover up and hide cover up and hide...over and over.

Once she finally broke down and confessed what was going on to myself and a few other trusted friends, we went to the police department for advice, and they notified family of hers a few thousand miles away, who came to move her back to her hometown when her husband was out of town on business.

It worked perfectly, the only strange part was that her husbands sister showed up at my home the next morning accusing my husband and I of kidnapping her "beloved" nieces. If they were beloved, the aunt would have warned my friend about the type of person her brother was; instead of waiting till the abuse was so bad that this woman had to wear long sleeve shirts and heavy pants year round she was so bruised up.

Of course once the police became involved they told the aunt that her brother had multiple charges against him, and the rest of the family was safe, so she had nothing to worry about. My husband had called the police when he saw her showing up in the driveway.

I have never seen anyone change tactics so fast in my life, she started saying that she didn't know anything about the abuse...She ended up getting taken in for questioning as the police hadn't said a word about abuse, and neither had my husband or I.

You need to intervene here, for the sake of your grandchildren. If you can take them into your home (the children) until their parents can try to work this out or decide to divorce. You daughter is a grown woman, but her children are innocent in all of this and need to be protected.

You could even talk to the police in her town and explain what is going on and they may be able to get the children removed from the home and placed in your custody on a temporary basis; until things can be worked out.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 5

I'm with April on this one. My mother actually had to threaten to take my children away from me if I went back to my x husband after the last time he beat the piss out of me and that broke the cycle. Until then everything was my fault because he made me believe it. It has been 16 yrs since and I am still gratefull for the intervention.

Answer 6

Because he's taken the fight out of her. Simple as that. Call CPS and tell them you think the children are exposed to abuse.

That might be enought to get her to leave him.

Answer 7

Until she makes up her mine to leave there is nothing you can do. I know it's hard to sit by and watch a love one being abused. She has to be the one that wants to LEAVE. All you can do is be there for her. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 8

Its a vicious cycle of abuse that is very hard to get out of for some. Perhaps if you speak to your local women's shelter they may have some advice from your point of view. Speak to others who got out of that situation and be there for your daughter always.

I hope she comes out of it soon.