I get no say because he made decision with his x wife?

Question

My bf (who I hope to marry one day), is previously married with 2 kids. He and his former wife had decided they wanted the kids to attend private school quite a ways away ofr junior high whcih is in 3 yrs. He told me that he will be willing to relocate or do whatever it took to get them there. This is a prior commitment he made with his x, and thats the way it will be when that time comes if there is no alternative. My problem with this is when we marry don't I get a say in life. Just because he made this prior commitment, shouldn't I still get a say? I mean career changes and private school are big expensive things. I think my opinion should matter, regardless of prior commitments, it will be my life too wont it? I'm expected to treat the kids as my own and love them as my own but anything attaining to them is none of my business, what I say doesn't matter because I'm not the parent. I think it's ridiculous that I'm expected to treat them no different then my own but have no opinion.

When you marry aren't you supposed to consider the other person an equal in all the decisions pertaining to your lives.

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you. I understand where you are coming from. There is however a bitter pill you must swallow about marrying one who has luggage from a previous marriage.

Accept that marrying a person who has children and and ex-wife is not the same as marrying one who has no marital past. You cannot expect him to disregard the responsibilities of his past because it does not involve you. If he does ignore such responsibilities, than you should be concerned if he is a good partner for you.

You must accept that there will be times when major decisions he make will not involve you. As he shares a joint parental role with his ex, you must know when you must step aside graciously. Decisions concerning his children's education, health or finance are not decisions for you to make. Your partner should however listen to your suggestions or advice and regard them highly but the decision itself must always to be left to him and his ex-wife.

If you expect him to take your advice or if you insist that he does as you say, then you will complicate your relationship with him and give rise to frustration and resentment. And if this is continued over the years it will eat into your relationship and breed greater unhappiness.

Though it may be hard for you to step aside at such times you must encourage him to carry out his responsibilities towards his children. Do not come between him and his children or it will surely divide the two of you. You can encourage him but what is most important for you is to get a promise from him that he will keep faithful to you and that you are the only woman he will call 'wife'.

Having children from a previous relationship places a heavy burden on a man. If you take upon his burden, just as a woman who marries a disabled man, takes upon herself the hardships that will accompany her, then you can still be happy. You only need the constant reassurance from you husband that you and you alone are the love of his life. For you not to part take in decsions about his children may cause you pain. But it will say a great deal about the love that you have for your boyfriend. He should cherish you deeply for that.

The most important thing for you to do now is to be realistic and ask yourself if you could marry a man with such a 'disability'. Will he recognise the sacrifices you are going to have to make and will he appreciate you for them. Or will he take you for granted. Is he a man whose love for you is great enough to match the sacrifice you will be required to make. Will you be able to love his children and win their love for you but stay out of their lives if a decision has to be made about them? Be honest with yourself when you answer these questions. If you are not, you will gravely compromise your life's joys. Only you and you alone can answer these questions. Remember that you are determining your future. One word of caution - Your boyfriend must always consider your feelings about key issues. His past requirements cannot always dictate how things should be. If the decision involves major changes to your life too, then he must take your feeling seriously. If he does not, you may feel like you are always a secondary element in his life. If you are his wife, you should always come first. He must understand that he cannot expect you to think of whats best for his children at the expense of your marriage. It will be a delicate balance. Don't end up in a situation where all decisions are made for you. If you do then everyone else will be happy except you.

I hope your decision brings you happiness.

Answer 2

You are not correct in this matter. He had made this decision prior to having a relationship with you, therefore you must respect every aspect of it. If he decides to move away and accomodate the children, you will have two choices: to move with him or brake up the relationship. A man's children will always come first, before you, before the ex wife, and before his own personal preferences. He has worked so hard up to this point to educate those kids that he will not let any obstacle stop him from completing his plan, not even a new girlfriend.

You can have an opionion, and you can state it to him, or whomever you may wish, but I'm sure his decision will stay the same. You should be happy that he is making you aware of this information. If you love him as dearly as you say you do, relax, and be thankful he is filling you in on future plans. You have an option now, you can either respect his decision or leave because you don't agree with his plans!

Those children will never be yours, they will never treat you like a real mother, but they will have respect for you since you are the woman in their father's life. Think about it..

Answer 3

When it comes to children from a previous marriage, no you will have no say in it. They have a Mother and Father who agreed on this some time ago. Now you may be able to talk with him and get him to change it. Yes, in your and his life you have some say in it, but when it comes to step children it is a rough road to go down, and the Mother will continue to make the decisions for her children. Yes, you will be told by her that it is none of your business at all. Fact of life when it comes to marrying someone with children. This can be one factor that a marriage doesn't work when step children are involved because you feel like your left out except when they are visiting then you will probably be asked to cook and help take care of them. You don't have to treat them as your own, just try your best to love and care for them. It could be that one day you and the ex could agree on some changes, but only if she is willing.

Answer 4

It's really his decision how your input affects the children. I totally agree that you must be equal partners in all things and agree to everything, but that also means that his contract with his ex has to be kept (because they were married when they made this decision together). The kids are always going to come first from the sounds of it (which means you have met a responsible man), and you need to decide whether or not you can live with this. Good luck!

Answer 5

When it comes to the children you can be influential in the fathers decisions but ultimately the mother and father have the final say.
When it comes to relocating you have as much say as your future husband.
A lot can change in three years, the children may establish friendships that they will not want to part with at the schools they are going to now. I think ultimately the kids should decide if they want to go to a private school.

Answer 6

You are up the creek, honey. The only thing you can do is not marry him. You already knew the deal. He made this decision before you came along and you can't expect him to change his program. Consider this, the guy might not be ready to make you a part of his circle. It's painful but it's the reality. Can you handle it?

Answer 7

Be thankful that you are with a man who puts all other things aside for his kids. And, sorry, you don't have a say when it comes to decisions made for the kids by their mother and father.

You need to get use to this or find someone who doesn't have children because this is a common thing and it will never go away.

Answer 8

Not when there are children involved from a previous relationship. You get say in your relationship, but you can not ask him to go back on his word regarding his children. You have no ties to his children and the sad fact is, you can love them all you want, but you will never have any say in what happens with them.

Step-parenting is one of the most difficult things to do, but to do it right and be a good person, you have to accept the limitations put on you by the childrens' real parents.

Answer 9

You know about this part of your BF going into this. This is part of who he is - this commitment is one he made & is going to honor. Now, you get to decide whether to add him to your life as he is.

Of course, if you make a commitment, if you are a part of your BF's life, he should consider you in any *future* decisions (although, his children's needs should always be his first priority). But, you can't expect him to change a promise that he made to his children because you showed up & don't like it.

Answer 10

You are correct, but just as you stated, they are not your children, and your voice does carry little weight on the matter, you can discuss this with your future husband, and tell him your feelings, but this is an arrangement that was made when they were married. Express your concerns, calmly and respectively and understand that you may not have any weight to the topic.