How do you END ALL CONTACT when you have kids together?

Question

He's very nice and then zaps me with something outrageous. I would like not to have any contact with him. Short of giving him the kids and moving to Montana or Spain, any suggestions?

Please, no "you have the kids so be friends" advice. If we could be friends, we would have stayed married, no?

Answer 1

Ok. You are right when you say, if things were going well, we would still be married.... You don't have to stay friend with you ex, and especially, you don't have to talk with him for hours... All you have to say is : ok, the kids will be read at 8 tonight... But dont move only to flee him. Just be cold when he talks to you. When he asks questions about you life, job, etc... (anything except of the kids).. You say... I have to hang up (Sam, Tom)... And I don't want to talk over it anyway... Several times, and he'll get it. You dont care what he thinks... But dont move... It's useless. You can be free without moving;

Answer 2

Is there any way that you could have a third party intercede between you and him. Maybe a mutual friend or a relative. Maybe even an officer of the court. Someone who would be responsible for shuttlling the kids between the two of you and who would mediate when things came up that required both parents.

But, you really really do have to find a way to get along with this guy because you have kids in common. Hopefully, with the passage of time, things will get better. And if they don't, eventually the kids will be grown and you won't have to be in contact with him except for major events like weddings and the births of grandchildren.

Answer 3

You can't end all contact. You have children together, so it's close to impossible. I've been through it. The only way to do such a thing would to drop the kids off at a social services meeting place, leave them there and the father would have a specific time to come be with them, but he would most likely only be able to stay at the office with them. And, it's unlikely to get such an arrangement unless he has done something that would make authorities believe he will do harm to the children and needs supervised visitation. You could have a friend or family member drop the kids off to him.

Answer 4

I guess it depends on what you mean by outrageous. My ex-wife thinks we should be mortal enemies, and my attempts to have a cordial relationship with open lines of communication are "outrageous." She thinks that I should just bless her affair and give her carte-blanche when it comes to our daughter, and be happy with 8 out of every 28 days parenting time.

So why not trying listening to his perspective, and trying to understand why he has it. Doing so doesn't mean you have to agree. However, if you respond in an understanding fashion, it will go a long way towards defusing conflict.

Many things people think are outrageous are simply differences in opinions and values and are really not worth fighting about.

So, if you believe you are the more mature one, then show him the way. I do believe you can be friendly if you choose to be. That doesn't mean he is your best buddy. But at one time he was a person you said you loved, and you do share children with him. So forgive him of his sins against you, and find ways that you can be friendly. See if his "outrageous" behavior is really horrible, or if it's just differences of opinion. Perhaps you can start by asking him what he believes YOUR outrageous behavior is, listening, understanding and respecting that he has a different perspective from yours.

Answer 5

Hire a go between to handle the dropping off of the kids and picking them up from his place at visitation time.

This could be a good friend of yours, a trusted co-worker who maybe lives near there, or a family member from either side.

Be gracious, just tell him that you're dealing with 'personal stuff' and would be more comfortable if someone else was an intermediary for the time being.

You'll still have to deal with him face to face for any legal crap.

Answer 6

You do not have to be friends, nor do you have to be hateful as well. Simply be yourself. He is gonna do whatever it takes to push your buttons, just be a stronger person and dont react. Make a point to never say bad things in front of the kids about their father. If he ticks you off, find someone to vent too, but dont do it anywhere near the children. My ex did this to me for quite a while, until I simply quit responding to him. We still hate one another but the children are not in the middle and I make it a point to simply walk away if he attempts to get me angry. I think he does it just to see what I will do most of the time. It would be wrong to cut yourself or him off from the children. Like it or not you two had babies together - dont let your own bad relationship fall on the shoulders of your children because they did not ask to have you or the father as parents.

Answer 7

It's a good question, but I'm not sure it's a feasible goal to end all contact, short of terminating your parental rights. You had kids together, and unless he or you is willing to terminate parental rights, you're going to have to have contact in order to decide what's in the best interest of the children that are your responsibility.

Good luck.

Answer 8

You and your husband are adults, so start acting like adults.

You brought children into this world and you have a responsibility to those children to behave like mature parents. Be civil to each other at all times. Never belittle the other person in front of the children. Attend child-related functions together so the child only has to look 1 place to see both of his or her parents.

It won't kill you! And it will benefit your children tremendously!

Answer 9

If you want to give him the kids, go ahead and do that. Otherwise, stop acting like a child and learn to get along with the children's father.

Answer 10

Not possible. The very fact that you are seperated/divorced says that your relaitonship is advesarial. He knows that you like fo everything to be quiet and peaceful, so just for spite he stirs the pudding from time to time just to get a reaction from you. Guess what, it works every time!