I get no say because he made decision with his x wife?

Question

My bf (who I hope to marry one day), is previously married with 2 kids. He and his former wife had decided they wanted the kids to attend private school about 1 hour away. He told me that he would be willing to relocate or do whatever it took to get them there. This is a prior commitment he made with his x, and thats the way it will be when that time comes if there is no alternative. My problem with this is when we marry don't I get a say in life. Just because he made this prior commitment, shouldn't I still get a say? I mean career changes and private school are big expensive things. I think my opinion should matter, regardless of prior commitments, it will be my life too wont it? Am I totally wrong here, cause that's how he's making me out. He's basically saying we have to pack up and move and I get no say. What if I like my job and house and I don't want to. Is this unfair?

It hasn't been arranged or finalized yet, but it was a said thing between the two of them. That they will goto that school for junior high which is 3 years away.

Seriously, you guys all think I should just go with it. I may not necessarily have a problem with it but I am just upset that it's that or nothing, when you marry, isn't it shared lives then?

This will be my life too! Things we will aquire together, thing we built together, now to throw it away and start over somewhere else. Why don't I get a say in what we throw away "together"? Maybe I am wrong.

Answer 1

Long and very short of this, You do not have a say with his children. As for his commitment to their being in a private school if his circumstance has changed so can his commitment.
The point at which he would relocate for the children but not consult you becomes the problem. He and his ex had made the the previous commitment "til death and forsaking all others". That was one he was not able to keep. Why is this one so critical?
You are not wrong to expect that he needs to give allow you some opinion here. It has nothing to do with his kids, they would be the first consideration. It has more to do with the fact that his commitment to the Ex about extraordinary circumstances seems to have more importance than than his commitment to your future.
I would view this a a deal breaker.
As the second wife you will always be subject to the needs of his children. You do not need to be shut out of all these discussions.

Answer 2

Life isn't always fair. When it comes to his kids, he and his ex have all the say. If this was something already arranged, then your opinion means nothing. You have to make a decision. Do you want to move? What is more important to you in your life? He has made it pretty clear his kids will always come first, no matter what sacrifices he has to make (and they are his kids, that's how it's supposed to be). If you feel like you would have no say in your life if you are with him, then he may not be the one for you. Only you can decide that. But as far as the arrangement he has made with his ex, that's a done deal. Now the ball is in your court. You have to decide if you are going to follow or do your own thing.
You are right, when two people are married they both should have a say, but he has already made his intentions known. Before you are married. That is the part you are forgetting. You aren't married yet. He's letting you know before that happens what he is going to do for his children. You either accept them or you don't. If you don't think moving is such a big deal and you would be happy to move as long as you are with your man, then marry him, but if you are rooted where you are and you don't want to move, then don't marry him. It's no longer about having a say. The decision has been made - even if it's not going to come about for 3 more years - you have to make a choice. Stay or find someone else.

Answer 3

You do have a say and a choice, if this is something you wont be able to live with then dont marry him. He sounds like a man that takes his family responsibilities seriously. He has an obligation to do what he thinks is best for his children. You can either admire him for being selfless when it comes to his kids or you can worry about what you want. Those are the choices you get. I made commitments toward my children when I got divorced, my new wife understands, and supports me. These commitments in the grand scheme of things are short term and she knows that at some point those commitments will be over.

Answer 4

Why would you need to change your career and move? You might have to have a longer commute to send the kids to school. Do you really want his kids not to have the best education that they can possibly have and perhaps yours also. It is unfair if your kids,when and if you have any, don't have the same opportunity as the first family. Take a step back and see that your honey had a prior life. Where was he ten years ago and ten years from now?

Answer 5

If this is not in the divorce degree then this is not a permanent thing for him to be saying.

Yes you do have a say especially if you get married.

I see this happening a friend of mine he was married has 3 boys and she was married has 2 kids(girl and boy) he doesn't listen to her and his oldest who is 16 yrs old has caused more fights between them than I can count and he sticks up for his son and she is the person in the wrong even though she isn't.

My friend is thinking of leaving him cause he will not put her in the first place he has constantly told her that she comes in second and his kids are first.

If you don't want this to happen to you then start standing up for what you believe is right.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

you ought to have a lawyer in case you've been in contact or are centred on a divorce. communicate frankly to the lawyer and in case you do not have self assurance what the lawyer has to allow you to comprehend, confer with yet another lawyer. keep doing this until eventually you extremely comprehend how the regulation works. You had to have some inkling that you've been in a foul marriage; you're describing the mission as if some kamikaze divorce lawyer without note looked and far on your marvel, gave you the information. and then you had a decision to even if to settle for that new fact. you merely ought to work out that it really is what's - your marriage became over and as painful because it extremely is (and that i do sympathize), you ought to regulate to that new mission. The decide became meant to do what: deny your ex spouse a divorce? Oh, if merely judges had the capacity to easily say, 'No, no longer for you, honey, you ought to stay married on your husband!' The regulation is a device and also you, as a citizen, ought to artwork in the device, patiently and through a relied on lawyer and if mandatory, a marital counselor or therapist that ought to help you adjust to divorce. the guy who killed himself and his little ones became ill. That guy destroyed a kin, no longer the decide. you're hurting yet you'll heal and also you and your ex-spouse will sometime cope with to be pleasant, once you get well out of your grief. search for treatment and it is going to do you a international of strong to heal your discomfort.

Answer 7

You do get a say. You can choose to marry him or not. He is being up-front regarding what baggage he has.

You can certainly ask him to consider another plan. However, he had his kids long before he met you, so I agree that putting his kids welfare first is the right answer.

However, you always have some say. You can choose to marry him or not, knowing full well that he is putting his kids first.

So your choice is which do you like better, him and following him, or your job, home, etc.

Sounds harsh, but that is the truth. Please, don't ever feel like a victim, you have power and the ability to choose. The question is, what will you do with it?

Answer 8

Unfortunately that is part of being with a person with children from a previous relationship. In most aspects you will and should have a joint say in life decisions. However when it comes to the children they are "their" children and you cannot expect that him being with you will change the decisions that they have deemed to be in the best interest of the children.
I suggest that you decide if you can live with this part of your relationship. If not then you should leave or you will eventually resent him or the children.

Answer 9

I do know some guys do it for their sake of their children and true that they forget about others feelings or opinions in that way, but stop! just think why his wife would be his ex if they could agree on everything and why he choose you over her to be with him.Maybe you have the other qualities that she is lacking of ''Tolerance and patience" MAYBE THAT IS WHERE YOU WON HIS HEART! And he wants you more for that!Giving in to someone you love is always a joy and giving in for his kids makes you feel proud and look proud.Not everyone follows suit!

Answer 10

You do have a say so, but if he is sticking with his commitment, then you might have to make the big sigh & move. Not saying you should want to or got to, but if he is sticking to it then you might find yourself moving to be with him. But sit him down & talk to him about it. Tell him how you like your job, your house, & the town you two are living in. If he doesn't understand or don't wanna understand, then maybe he isn't mr. right 'cause mr. right would think of your feelings too.