BF of 5 years proposed 2 weeks ago. Yesterday had an argument over the purchase of a house. I am ok with the purchase, but house needs work. I said that I would like to have put in the paperwork, that IF a divorce or seperation happened I would not take the house, nor be responsible for the mortgage.Yes in a way that is selfish on my part, but I thought it would be good for him, I mean, hes already had 2 divorces & lost everything except the clothes he was wearing. He got mad, told me now we aren't getting married. No big deal been together this long with out it anyway. Anyway, my question is, was I wrong to ask to have that stipulation put into the paperwork? And was it really worth ruining a whole day and half the night over? I would like to thank you in advance for the advise and please dont judge me for not being married, I have also been married & divorced.
2007-04-02 02:01:18 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok, its not about the house, I love it. I found it, signed the rental agreement the whole nine yards. I thought that stipulation would work for him, not against him. Im not planning on leaving, we have a child together, I love him very much. I just wanted him to know that I don't plan on screwing him over like has happened to him in the past. I mean ok, 2 divorces and several failed live in relationships, when I met him he owned a bag of clothes, the bare essentials, nothing more. I didnt want him to ever think that he was going to end up with a garbage bag of clothes. There has been 2 months of talk about the house, 2 months to decide. I have no lack of commitment to him and the choices that are made are joint.
2007-04-02 02:18:44 · update #1
You have every right to request that this be a legal tranaction. If you dont look after your financial affairs then who will. Love & business often dont mix. I know because Ive been in business with my partner in life for 27 years. You must remain objective in the business part of your lives. Surely your partner realizes that considering his history. If not its time he learned. Stick to your guns.
2007-04-02 02:21:53 · answer #1 · answered by Kate 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, unless you were going to get a divorce within 3 or 6 months, then I cant see the need to put a stipulation like that into your marriage. Property usually increases in value, and if the two of you have been together for a while now, then Im sure within the time you were married, work would have been done on the house anyway...so the property value would have increased. Actually your stipulation would have worked in your fiance's favour if you were to divorce because he would get the whole house....He could sell it and keep any kind of profit and you would get nothing.
Maybe you didnt realy want to marry him in the first place and was using that as an excuse to not get married because I cannot see any other reason why you would make a stipulation like that. Property does not decrease in value....and within 10 years property usually increases to double what you paid for it.....and if your marriage lasted 10 years, then the increase would probably be more than double because renovations would have been done. Nope, sorry, I cant see the sense in your stipulation.
2007-04-02 09:13:04 · answer #2 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Looks like both of you needs to communicate about finances, how the past divorces have affected you & your perceptions. Seems like the problematic experiences of divorce is affecting you. I understand as I was deciding between Divorce or Separation & came to know the difficulty of divorce emotionally & financially. Why can't 2 people who love each other just stay together & be committed? No need for a legal paper - marriage certificate? No need for pre-nuptials agreement. I suggest you go for pre-marriage conselling or seminar to discuss, finance, sex, family, children, lifestyle, religion, etc. Make sure you are right for one another. All the best & I hope you will be very happy in new marriage.
2007-04-02 09:28:22 · answer #3 · answered by Sweety 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally wouldn't even be considering buying anything together if you are considering divorce at this point.
If you want the benefits of property ownership or atleast sharing a home both parties need to be responsible for the purchase and maintenance of a home.
Are you afraid of the responsibility or just want to be free to walk away without any obligations whatsoever?
I wouldn't recommend you even consider continuing this relationship do him a favor and walk away now so he can find someone that can be responsible and committed to a longterm permanent relationship.
2007-04-02 09:12:10 · answer #4 · answered by michael_trussell 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He got offended because he CHOSE you to be his final partner and for you to help him build up rather than tear down just like his previous mates.
Obviously, you hit a hard blow by planning for yet anopther divorce of his. WRONG! He obviously thought about it for a long time before proposing to you after two failed marriages.
He is offended, but I don't think that is a fatal blow.
You have to come clean and tell him that you came across the wrong way and that he misunderstood.
Good luck
2007-04-02 09:09:02 · answer #5 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's okay that you're not married. In fact, I think you should stay single (ala Oprah Winfrey) People don't need to be married anyway. As you can see (from his 2 divorces), it's just a source of problems. Stay single and happy. This way, if there is a break up, no one loses anything.
2007-04-02 09:07:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your suggestion suggests an expectation of failure in the marriage. After two divorces, your boyfriend might take this to signify a lack of confidence in him on your part. It may be a practicality issue with you, but he may really want a lifetime commitment and that means going in while looking to the future thirty years down the line with the two of you still happy together. Your "what if" idea kinda rains on that particular parade.
2007-04-02 09:09:26 · answer #7 · answered by rtanys 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
what about putting it in both your names ? sharing the risk and responsibility equally ? 5 years is a long time and couples disagree on alot of things, this shouldn't be something to break up over but should be a new starting point in both your life's together as a married couple.
2007-04-02 09:10:24 · answer #8 · answered by Mr. S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
...the question you should ask yourself would be, why did you really want to put that on the paperwork? was it to kinda punish him? to show him that you don't really agree with the purchase of the house? that you don't think is the right house for you...why didn't you just tell him that? that you rather search for another house...the fact that you asked that to be put in the paperwork, shows that you don't really care about the house....like, it was his choice let him deal with it....
2007-04-02 09:09:18 · answer #9 · answered by Roxana 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has been in two divorces and lost everything I think he should consider himself lucky that you were willing to assure him that he would not this time around should you split. It sounds like you were just trying to think ahead and protect him in the process. It was not worth ruining all that time over it. It was not selfish on your part.
2007-04-02 09:07:53 · answer #10 · answered by susie 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋