How can I encourage my boyfriend in his family's rejection as a result of his sexuality?

Question

Two years ago, my father and adoptive mother disowned me when they found out I am a homosexual. I moved to a different state and lived with my aunt and grandmother.

My boyfriend and I live together about four days a week. His mother and father just found out about him and they both have said some nasty things to him. His mother calls constantly, harrassing him.

Now, I find him in the bathroom gagging and he's been getting really drained lately. I think it's all due to anxiety and I am there for him in everything he needs, but there's just somethings I can't help him with because I don't have the knowledge or experience.

Does anyone have any advice for on how to handle this situation? We are thinking of moving to a different city and have already changed his phone number. Any other ideas or suggestions on how I can cheer him up or steer him in the right direction?

Just a note:

He wasn't physically making himself gag and there was no food that he had eaten. I have had to encourage him to eat all week, which he does eventually do.

I don't think he's developing an eating disorder, but I will be sure to watch for signs! Thanks!

Answer 1

I think the only way is to distance yourself from both sets of parents until they come round and see how horrible theyve been to both of you.

Answer 2

If you want to encourage him you have to be his rock, his pillar of strength, his safe place. You need to draw upon your life while putting yourself into his shoes at this moment in his life. Stay strong for the both of you. Do some small thing for him unexpected that shows you mean it. Listen, listen a lot without talking when he needs to vent, don't fall into the talk too much trap, hold his hand, offer a hug a day no matter what, and encourage him to not dwell upon it but do it slowly. Call him in the middle of day for no reason. Just be there, and soon he will find that if you are sincere and prepared what you have together is worthy of pursuing.

That's what I'd do.

Answer 3

At the moment your boyfriend is having to deal with a form of grief. His relationship with his parents has died. They have seen to that. Hopefully in time a new relationship with them will form. If he has family members who ARE accepting of him, enlist their help to provide love and support.

There really isn't anything you can do to cheer him other than briefly because he is grieving. Just be there for him and be prepared to ride out his moods with him. For his anxiety and imminent depression he will have to consult a doctor.

I am sorry you both are having to go through this crap. But, you have each other and some people don't even have that.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

(first of all it might say that i added you--i have no idea what that means but anywho)--it may be very tough and he will have to get over it on his own.but just be there for him--be his rock. and tell him he has a shoulder to cry on and u are a good listener in case he wants to share more than what appears--of course its gonna be hard. but tell him that one day whether its today tomorrow- a year from now. his parents love him. or you take matters into your own hands and call his mother and say you want to eat lunch or something so you guys can get a clear understand of things. ITS GONNA BE HARD. there are many obstacles in life. but the harder they get the stronger you become. so tell ur boyfriend to keep his head up. and you--always be there for him which i can prolly guess you have been

Answer 5

I am so sorry that this happened to you guys, and I don't really have any idea how to help except just listen to him and be there for him.

Also... in the bathroom gagging? This sort of sounds like bulimia. Just keep an eye on his eating habits; sometimes people develop eating disorders when they get really stressed like this. And bulimia on top of everything else would not help.

Best wishes to you guys.

Answer 6

man i feel for your BF...poor guy

sounds like he might be spiraling towards depression.trust me, you want to fix it now before it gets that far. trust me a friend of mine went through depression whilst she was in here teens...it was aweful, and there is nothing worse...it was as though she was somebody else, and i felt hopless as hell

his parents sound lik real nut-jobs....if they really dont want to accept who he is and what he's doen in hsi life, then i suggest to just screw them and leave them behind

a fresh start may be the right choice...if that suits your work commitments and so on. leaving behind all of this bad 'karma' (i cant believe im using this a point) or whatever behind is defently something you should look

somethign you should also consider is councelling...only if your BF wants it though. he needs to agree to it, but of course just give him some info on it and try to encourage him to attend. but of course you can't force the guy

i guess the most you can do i support him as much as possible....try n be there for him, nad maybe get some other firends of yours to keep an eye on him...try not to leave him alone to much. right atm he needs support and company
if he dosnt wanna talk about the issue, dont push it. he will eventually start to go through it at some time, prob in councelling, but pushing wont get anywhere

i know u might feel like your not doen anything right atm, but he does appreciate the support your given

good luck with it all

Answer 7

I would encourage you and your boyfriend to get counseling if this is possible because this is going to be tough for both of you. Contact your local gay community center or gay organizations to see if they can put you in touch with a counselor or discussion group. I am sure that you are both going through a lot of emotions right now, it is critical that you discuss these in a positive way.
I would also try to find a group of supportive friends (gay and straight) that you can talk to. Almost all gays and lesbians have experienced rejection in our lives, talking to friends who went through similar experiences can be helpful.
I don't think moving to another city is the best way to handle your situation unless either of you is in physical danger where you live. I always find it best to address the problems in your life rather than running away from them (unless you have to for physical safety etc.).
You may also want to encourage your boyfriend to go see a doctor regarding his anxiety issues. You can get a referal for a gay or gay friendly doctor through a local gay phone directory or gay community center. If your boyfriend is having physical issues related to stress he should see a doctor to see if he needs his physical needs adressed.
I know coming out is tough, you both should be commended for being honest about your lives and relationships. I know this hard to believe right now but in the not so distant future you will both be better for being courageous and honest. You should both be very proud of yourselves.
I wish you both the best and yes brighter days are ahead.

Answer 8

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside people. He said "My son, the battle is between two wolves. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grandson thought about it for a minute then asked his Grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied "The one you feed."

Hi Timmy, I'm sorry this is not an answer to your question, but I felt impelled to write this. Your answer to my question was heart-felt and touching. After reading this question, I now have a better understanding, my heart goes out to you both. You are a kind, caring, gentle soul. I hope the road ahead is a happy and joyful one, for you both. Silver xx

Answer 9

You could try calling PFLAG (Parents and friends of lesbians and gays) they deal with situations like this every day and have many resources to help. They will not interfere in your private life...but may be able to help you or steer you in the right direction. Until then...I would invest in 'call display'and just not answer when his mother calls. Good luck.

Answer 10

It sounds like that no family at all supports your decisions at all, so moving away would be a good idea right now. The best thing you can do for your boyfriend right now is remind him how much you love him and how you will always be there for him. He needs to clear his head and get away from things right now. Be there for him.

Answer 11

When i get stressed i get really sick and sleepy. It sounds as if you're boyfriends dealing with a lot of stress.

I personally think the best thing is for him to get away from his family. Of course its a bit rough moving away from his family, but if they aren't going to love him no matter what - then its their fault for pushing him away.

Good luck, and sorry you've gone through losing your family because of your sexuality!