How do you deal with a mother in law who's meddling in a marriage and causing so many problems between husband and wife that wife sees no other option except divorce. Son doesn't want to alienate mother, so instead is making wifey feel that he is more devoted to his relationship with his mother than to her. Situation has gone so far that husband denies his mother is actually meddling because "mother" says she isn't trying to butt in his business. Husband has inadvertently changed his thoughts to comform to "mother's" opinions even though it has made wifey angry.
2007-04-01 12:28:18 · 25 answers · asked by cotncandi 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i'm assuming that wifey has been over the issues with hubbie several times to the point that now the obvious has happened. hubbie is tilting in the other direction.
wifey can only do so much. at this point she is either going to make the hellhole she is in now her permanent address and not complain anymore, or make a decision and leave.
a marriage is between husband and wife. if his marriage is important to him, then he will a]stand by his wife, and b] tell him mother to step off. standing next to his wife does not mean betraying his loyalty to his mother. but he needs to remember that when he left his mother's house to get married. that is what he did LEAVE HIS MOTHER'S HOUSE TO BE MARRIED.
choosing to do nothing is as bad as saying you are on your own wifey.
i'm sure his mother is able to dip into their lives because someone is opening the doors for her.
he made a vow to honor and respect his wife, that is it.
wifey needs to write him a detail letter letting him know that she is not asking him to renounce his mother "i assume that that is not what she wants", but that he needs to be the man of his house. he needs to stand guard and protect those who live in it. meaning wife and children if there are any. he needs to know that a] his mother's meddling is hurtful and disrespectful to his wife; b] it is destroying his marriage.
he needs to make a choice; but at the same time the wife needs to make a choice. if she can't live in such way, then she needs to leave. but the back and forth between them both needs to stop. i'm sure she has gone full circle with her complaints, and he has heard the same things one two many times.
i can only give my opinion based on what is written. i'm not trying to tell anyone what to do, nor do i in any way think i know what should be done.
either way, i hope this if nothing else give you another person's point of view.
2007-04-01 12:46:10 · answer #1 · answered by la21unica 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
there's nothing I hate MORE than a MOM-MA'S BOY! i married two of those (as much as i hate to admit it!)
my first husband I ended up divorcing over it.
my second husband and I divorced for reason's OTHER than his meddling mother... but i honestly think his mother played a part in breaking down our marriage to a "no turning back" point.
my THIRD husband ALWAYS sides with me when an issue comes up with his family or my own... so far everything has worked out wonderfully (5 years now).
some say third time is the charm... i think i just decided i wasn't going to put up with any man's CRAP and looked for a man that understood how strongly i felt about this issue!
I would suggest that you try couples therapy before you give up... divorce is SO HARD, especially if there are any children involved!
2007-04-01 12:35:08 · answer #2 · answered by JayneDoe 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Why would you divorce? It's marriage a vow till death do you part? If he means something to you, you should talk to him. If he doesn't listen, then get others to help you help him realize how his mother is hurting you (but not to go against her).
(If it's that bad and everthing else fails, maybe you could video or tape record it to maybe let him see that if this only happens when you are alone with her and go on a show like Maury .... J/K).
Seriously God DOES NOT want people to divorce at all, unless one has committed adultery or being abused!! Just because your mother in law is meddling with your life shouldn't divorce. Marriage is about being with each other forever thick through thin. You guys made vows to that! You married him because you love him and also had to think that you are apart of his family too. If you have kids, really don't think divorce would be fair for them either.
Rethink , maybe get away for a little while and stay away from her if you can. It's best to understand where his mother is coming from and never hate her, if you love her back things will pass. "Love thy Enemy"
Before you say "your mother is ruining our marriage" to him, you should first think about him and his situation. And talk to mother in law about how you love her son and that you want to solve your differences, either a letter or face to face.
Lastly, ask God for help and maybe ask church to help as it said in the Bible.
These are a lot of suggestions, I don't know your situation or life , but hope this gives you ideas how to solve your problem. Best Wishes!
2007-04-01 13:00:43 · answer #3 · answered by scorpiontiger00 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
yeesh!
My first thoughts are, where were the boundaries set when you two were first married? W/o clear boundaries, this is "bound" to happen, unfortunately. There is some very ancient, wise advice to be heard: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." If your hubby had heard this knowledge, perhaps he would have learned sooner that yes, while it's nice to get approval from mom and dad, he goes home to live with you, til death do you part!
I rarely, if ever, recommend divorce, especially in a situation like this, IMO. You need to find some way to gently remind him of his vows and that if he still seeks a life with you, which I hope he does, he needs to be on your side. Then again, part of your vows were also to stick with this guy, no matter how off track he gets, for better or for worse. I guess this is a taste of the worse. It really sounds like you want to stay together, so don't give up.
Mom and dad gave you away, and even though it wasn't a part of the ceremony, his parents gave him to you too. He needs to reset his priorities and set some reasonable boundaries.
2007-04-01 12:41:38 · answer #4 · answered by Adje J 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well that is very unfortunate, I'm very sorry to hear this. Sometimes we have to make these kind of decisions because of the situation. If your guy is siding with his mother, and she is playing each of you against each other that isn't healthy and it will always interfere with this relationship. Sorry but it does sound like he's a mama's boy and majority of the time that won't change. You may have to make that sad decision to move on, then you may not. You should go with your gut feeling. Either way it sounds like a very messy and difficult situation. Best of luck.
2007-04-01 12:34:53 · answer #5 · answered by ~* Garden Empress*~ 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The mother-in-law is not the problem, you're not married to her. You and your husband (I presume you're "wifey") do not share the same priorities when it comes to your marriage, and have not found a way to even communicate about the problem.
If your husband is an otherwise good man, ask him to go to counseling with you. Talking to his mother will only engage her further in your lives. You need to first understand each other's perspective on this situation, agree that the marriage is worth fighting for then fight for it. It won't be easy, it won't happen overnight. A good therapist will help you navigate the rocky road ahead. If he won't go with you, go alone until you decide what you're going to do about the marriage. Don't do battle with him or his mom, it will only create more stress for you. Also, focus on yourself and leave your husband to his mom. Tell your husband that, until you can work things out, you're not going to engage in any gatherings or discussions that create stress for you. This is not a pass to be unfaithful, rude or to bait him with meaningless discussions and arguments that don't go anywhere. All you are doing is setting boundaries concerning what is and isn't acceptable to you.
Good luck!
2007-04-01 12:44:08 · answer #6 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The MIL is not causing the divorce. A lack of communication, understanding, shared goals and mutual respect between the husband & wife is causing it.
Wife doesn't understand husband's relationship with his mother. Husband doesn't respect wife's feelings regarding MIL's 'butting in'.
2007-04-01 12:45:52 · answer #7 · answered by Maureen 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
The problem isn't a strong-willed meddling mother in law at all. It's a weak-willed husband.
Ask yourself how you can help him feel like he can stand up to her. Telling him how weak and spineless he is isn't going to help - in fact it will make things worse and make him defensive.
Perhaps making him feel more like a man might help...
Anyways good luck.
2007-04-01 12:34:26 · answer #8 · answered by Jon S 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Unfortunately, you've answered your own question. The "out-laws", or M-I-Law has put her son in a position to choose, at the least, stand up for you....and he hasn't. He needs to understand the depth of his choice. Sounds like he's willing to risk you so as not to anger the mom. Really sorry that some boys never grow into men. I guess you need to lay it out in plain English for him, that by wussing out, he HAS sided with his mom...and is losing you and FAST. I'll pray for you.
2007-04-01 12:34:19 · answer #9 · answered by momof2 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Do you know what the punishment is for having two spouses?
The punishment is having two mothers in law.
Mother's in law are almost always a pain. That is why there are so many mother in law jokes.
Talk to him. Try not to get angry. And watch Everyone Loves Raymond and laugh about it, when you can.
2007-04-01 15:09:36 · answer #10 · answered by milliondollarman 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋