Ladies, what to do if your guy cheats on you?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for 2 1/2 yrs now. Last july he cheated on me. I gave him another chance and I'm hoping that wasnt the wrong thing to do but besides that, he is in the army and we are constantly fighting now because I dont know what hes doing and whatnot. I made him promise me before he even put that ring on my finger that he'd never do it again and he said he wouldnt and never ever wanted to hurt me. Should I be suspicious of his actions while he is away or not? I believe he is telling the truth and all but the fear and memories of it still haunt me? I feel he is behaving hiself and all but my worrying and overprotectiveness is pushing him away. We have a great relationship together and hes only ever hurt me once and i have hurt him too. I want to trust him fully so bad! Any advice?

Answer 1

There was a time when my answer would have been an unequivocal, "dump the sob". Since that time, I've come to realize that when a man has sex with someone he is not in love with it means nothing more to him than masturbation. When he is truly in love with someone, he honors that person in every way.

You ask if you should be suspicious of his actions while he's away. Only you can answer that question. I have no idea what he's doing but there is a possibility that he may have sex with someone while he's there. It's a human need. Will he follow through on it? There is no way for you to know for sure. If he did would that mean he loves you any less? Not necessarily. Can you live with knowing he had sex with someone other than you? Again, only you can answer that.

One thing you said is absolutely true. Your worrying and overprotectiveness is pushing him away. You say you have a great relationship together and that you want to trust him. Look at your overall relationship. Along the way, has he treated you with respect? Has he shown his love in little ways that mean so much? Does he talk trash to you and tell you what to do or does he honor you? Sometimes guys tell us exactly what we want to hear and we buy it because we need to hear it. Their actions always speak louder than their words, though. Other than that one incident in July has he given you reason to distrust his words. Take a good look at his actions and see who he really is. Listen to your heart and not to your head. If you honestly believe this is the right man for you without question, then stop questioning. Trust that he is being honest with you, stop the constant worrying and see where things go. You may be right on track or you may be pushing away the best man for you. Be as objective as possible about your overall relationship and you'll know the answer. Good luck.

Answer 2

If are on here asking this question, you cant trust him and without trust there is no relationship and without that can be no you two. You giving him another chance and only way you can be sure is if he is with you all the time. I could say dump him but you have chosen to give him another chance for a reason....he can say he would never hurt you but he has already and only you can decide, think why did he cheat on you? think carefully and try and forget it what happened as keep going on may mak relationship worse. try and trust him again but if you find yourself still living in the past you need to move on coz he may have changed but that wont be fair on u or him to carry on. as there wil be someone else out there who wont put u through this and stay faithful to u. think alot it helps and when he back talk to him about everything thats been on your mind and tell him you really need assurance. good luck hope u make the right decision

Answer 3

DON'T MARRY HIM! If you are having these trust issues still, and it's been 9 months since he cheated, I wouldn't say "I do" quite yet.

First, did he cheat just once, or was it more than that?
If just once, then try and forgive him, and if you can forgive and trust him completely, then go for it. Why marry someone you can't trust??? Don't be one of "those" women, that let men walk all over them

I think you should go to drlaura.com

She is an amazing women who has a radio show Mon-Fri. listen to her for awhile, BEFORE you get married. You can hear her show from the website. I would also get her book, "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives", it is really good, and will set some perspective for you.

Good luck, and if it happens again, castrate him!

Answer 4

If you are willing to forgive the first time, then try to trust him now. You forgave him, so, let it go. If you're having a hard time trusting him, there's a reason behind it. I was in a relationship with this guy for 4 years and I always had a hard time trusting him and we were living in the same city. Now, I'm in a relationship with this guy whos about a 23 hour drive from me and I KNOW he wouldn't cheat. If you're with the right person, you know it. Re-evaluate your relationship... talk to him when he comes home, let him know how you feel. Don't keep anything in, it will just keep eating at you and making you think bad thoughts. Good luck!!

Answer 5

When you forgive someone you need to also forgive from the heart. Else dont do that.

To forgive is not to forget but understand that time will slowly clear away the pain.

First things first....you made a committment to each other when the ring was put on. So that is a committment made with both of you knowing what history existed. IT is about joining together with the goal of making a more permanent relationship..marriage.

Yet it seems you cant let go of the pain and that the uncertainty is creating more issues for you. Talk to your partner be open to each other, but dont be demanding on him. After all does he ask where you are , who you are with , what are you doing? if he is then you both have to talk about things openly. If he isnt then you need to look at what can be done to help you move on with things...get busy with yourself..study, work, friends etc....

Answer 6

Well, me telling you to trust him wont make you trust him. It has to be something that comes from your heart.

And truely, if you think hes trust worthy, then you need to let it slide, and just try to keep your mind on different things, even though I know it will be so hard.

My spouse has never cheated on me, but I have been cheated on in the past, and I didnt trust him because of it. (even though he didnt even know my ex) It was so hard for me to trust him to do things like go out, especially when we were in a long distance relationship. It took alot of will power, but I really think he sees it and reasures me about every little thing now. Because he sees I am trusting him.

But if you think deep down you cant trust him, you can just continue on this path, and hope it doesnt destroy your relationship.

In my opinion though, your just not trusting him because you dont want to get hurt again, and atleast now if you dont trust him, you will be like oh i knew that, I am not an idiot. Which i understand because thats how I was. But if you truely love someone you have to let it go, I spent the first night trying to trust my man, by crying in bed all night with a horrible feeling in my stomache, the second night it got a little better. But even now 3 years later, I still get these feelings sometimes. Like he didnt call, hes not home yet. And I will just lay there and think and cry about it. And when he comes home I just hug him and kiss him. And it all goes away.

I dont know if you will ever fully trust him, because I dont fully trust mine and he never cheated on me. But you can learn to deal with it better, and thats the key.

Answer 7

I personally would never trust him again after he cheated.Once a cheat always a cheat.Cheating is not an accident it is a conscious decision that one makes.There is NO excuse,reason or justification for cheating ever.Trust is everything in a relationship/marriage without trust you have nothing.You have to ask yourself do you really trust him.I find it hard to believe that he truly loves you because you just don't cheat if you truly love someone..You have to decide if you can accept what he did to you I myself would not be-able to forgive such a disgraceful act.I have too much respect for myself to allow anyone to disrespect me that way.Good Luck & Best Wishes.

Answer 8

Everyone deserves a second chance! I don't believe with all those saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". That's just not true. You need to forgive him and especially try to forget. Which means, don't bring it up all the time. This is something you'll have to work through. Be honest in your relationship. It's the only way. Everyone screws up.

Answer 9

If it were me and I had any doubt in my heart at all, I would leave. I know that it would be hard, but, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything. Once that trust is broken, it is almost impossible to get it back. Marriage is a huge commitment and you don't want to spend your entire marriage worrying. That is not good for your emotional health. Not to mention, once kids are involved it makes it much much harder to get out. I would get out while I can, and find someone that you can trust.

Answer 10

Try listening to your own words, m'dear...

You've said, "...my worrying and overprotectiveness is pushing him away."

The solution is right in front of your eyes, but you're being blinded by your own need to control everything and everybody. You've got to move on from his past and really trust. There's always time later to review.

But this will be a lifelong albatross around your neck unless you see it for what it is -- your problem --and you need to deal with that or you actually _WILL ATTRACT TO YOU THAT WHICH YOU FEAR!_