My closest friend got pregnant on purpose..?

Question

I have a friend who is, emotionally unstable at best. She is 24, doesn't have a drivers license, refuses to let anyone teach her to drive..and yet, decided to buy a car recently! She lives in a broken down mobile home, has a job that pays crap at best and has questionable benefits.
Recently, she started seeing a man she works with: a rebound from a string of bad relationships. She has been whining forever that she wants a baby. SO, a few months ago, I found out that she was have unprotected sex with this man for that SOLE reason!

She claims that they are in love, BUT he is still married because he is waiting for his green card and can't get divorced yet (Like I believe that)

She called me this morning all happy because she's pregnant. I can't even speak to her. This gal has SERIOUS emotional and self esteem issues, is FAR too immature,and she thinks that this is just going to make it all better. She can't even afford to take care of herself, let alone a baby.

BTW: I am a married mother of two.

This is just really bothering me because I have seen how naive and ignorant she can be. (I have known her all of my life) Having unprotected sex with a married man from a foreign country just takes the cake. Whats worse is that she thinks that this man is just going to be thrilled and they are going to live happily ever after. WE all know where that is going to go. In the past, she hasn't even gone to the OB because she doesn't want a pelvic exam! The fact that she is basically dependant on everyone around her, makes me wonder how she thinks she is going to raise this baby alone?

Answer 1

If she wants to have a baby let her have a baby. Sometimes it is enough to change a person. If you are worried about her and her ability to take care of the baby stay by her side she will need your help. Be a good and supportive friend like you were before. Drag her to OB appointments, teach her about basic baby caring skills. Things will work out.

Answer 2

While I agree that she made some terrible decisions and it sounds like she (and her life) are unstable right now, that just means she needs your support even more. If she wants to be pregnant, she's going to have this baby, whether you like it or not, and whether it is a good choice or not, so you need to help her out. Steer her in the direction of a better life...encourage her to look through the papers for better jobs and better homes. If this man breaks her heart and she comes crying to you, let her cry on your shoulder, then talk to her reasonably and tell the way you saw their relationship to being with (it wouldn't hurt to tell her what you think of the relatuionship NOW...a single woman CAN raise a child...or put it up for adoption, but it doesn't sound like your friend would want to do that). Try to be supportive...but also be honest and point her in the direction of reality.

Answer 3

there are great programs out there for young mothers who need a helping hand until they can get onto their feet. www.fns.usda.gov/wic offers milk,cheese,cereal,eggs and after the baby is born will pay for all its formula.also she can sign up for free health care through her local DHS office this will help her baby,which is the most important thing right now. She can shop second hand stores if she cant afford new, or maybe ask a friend if she can borrow baby stuff.
I've seen this over and over in my home town and the poor kids end up taking the back burner...most here wont even dress their kids they run around in PJ's all day long with snot dried up their cheeks. It's sad but there really isnt much we can do other then offer help.Best of luck

Answer 4

Wow! It must be painful for you to watch someone you care about making so many foolish decisions.

If your friend is that emotionally unstable AND if you think that she will eventually try to hurt herself, her baby, or someone else (and you didn't indicate this to be the case), you can call the Department of Social Services or the Mental Health Department and try to get them involved. My guess, however, is that your friend is not to that point yet, and so there isn't anything they can do.

So, the way I see it, you can do one of two things: 1) Be brutally honest with her--tell her it is painful to watch her screw up over and over again and for this reason, you need to discontinue your friendship. You wish her, the baby, and the baby's greencard daddy the best of luck, but you cannot be a part of their lives or 2) continue to be the supportive friend, but know this woman is prone to poor decision-making and MAY try to take advantage of your friendship at some point. Protect yourself, be cautious, but let her know you are there for her even though you don't approve of the choices she is making (perhaps talk to her about getting counseling).

Years ago, I was in a similar situation. I had a friend who was a habitual liar and unscrupulous in every aspect of her life. I thought about ending the friendship, but then, she got pregnant by an abusive boyfriend and desperately needed my help. I stayed in the friendship for a few more years, helped raise her daughter, and did whatever I could to make her life and that of her baby's better. It reached a point where I felt she was really taking advantage of me (and my husband). I tried to talk her into getting counseling, but she insisted she didn't have a problem. Eventually, we had a big argument, and I finally told her that I could not be her friend any longer. That really hurt, but I wish I had ended it sooner--before I was so attached to her little girl.

I am not saying that your friendship will end the same way, but I see some similarities and so I would encourage you to think of yourself first.

PS I still think of my ex-friend, but I do not miss her. I still say an occasional prayer for her and her daughter, but I do not want that woman back in my life.

Godspeed.

Answer 5

This is awful. The sad thing is that the child will be the one who suffers from it. You need to urge you friend to see a counselor to talk about her problems. Like you said, she has serious self esteem issues. If she sees a counselor or psychiatrist who can give her some safe antidepressants for pregnant women, she might realize that she is in over her head and either grow up so she'll be a good mother, or decide to give the child up for adoption. I'm sorry you're in this position. Good luck to you and her!

Answer 6

Okay, I understand what you're saying, and I can't blame you for being worried to death about this woman. I think what she needs is some serious counseling because obviously her mental health is not the best. You need to sit down and have a good, calm talk with her about this whole situation. First of all, adultry is not exactly a good relationship, you can't have a child if you're not financially stable, and if you're not emotionally there, that child is going to suffer.

Answer 7

I too get very aggravated when I see people who can't even take care of themselves bringing children into the world. It's very upsetting. Children need to be brought up in stable, loving homes. They need a parent or parents to nurture them and help them to grow into considerate, compassionate, well-adjusted adults.

I don't know if there is anything you can do at this point. I want to say, just try to be her friend..maybe not for her sake but for the child's. However, I've known people like your friend and unfortunately, they usually end up with more than one child.

Answer 8

That sounds like a really tough situation for you. It may be better for you, especially with two young children yourself, to end this friendship. If she doesn't contribute positively to the friendship, then the main benefit for you is probably the feeling of helping someone in need. But are you really helping her or just enabling her to continue her dependence on others? Just a thought, I don't know you or her so I'm just throwing out ideas.

Answer 9

I understand your concerns, but perhaps this baby will be the making of her.

Be there for her to talk to, I think that when you have though about what is happening with her, you will feel compelled to help her because she needs a stable friend for guidance.

Answer 10

yushould find someone professional to talk to her and find out about it, or when she starts seeing a dr. goa dn talk to the doctor.
it was not right for her to get pregnant, she needs to grow up and have a purpose in life and have a stable man who is gonna be there for her and be able to support her.
there has tobe something that can be done about it.