I don't trust my husband. Is this worth saving?

Question

I dated my husband for almost 5 years before marrying him. We have been married 2 years. Before getting married, I learned that he had lied about several aspects of his past because was afraid "I wouldn't think he was good enough." I also heard rumors of him having sex with a girl at a convention he went to, but for years he claimed he just "slept in a bed with her one night" and I was too naive to believe otherwise. Of course, he eventually admitted (after marriage) that he did sleep with her. Throughout our marriage, I also learned that he had a girlfriend for almost the first year that we were dating, and kept us from finding out about each other. Because of our trust issues, I had "rules" about his bachelor trip before the wedding. He came home and said nothing happened, then a year later I found out from his friends that he was given a lap dance. He is angry over my lack of trust. I don't trust him at all, and I'm so hurt by what he's done. Is my marriage worth saving?

Thank you for the answers so far. I should also add that no, he has not done anything since we've been marriage.. reason being? We live across the country from everyone he knows, and I have turned into a monster, keeping him under lock and key. I hate that I have turned into this.

Answer 1

It is difficult to live with a liar, but if your willing to keep living a life of always wondering then your marriage is worth saving. Trust is the biggest key to any relationship. If I can't trust the person I am with then it leaves me always thinking what are they up to and if what he or she says is the truth. With my ex I believed 10 percent of what he said and the other 90 percent I took at face value, because I knew when he opened his mouth it probably more than likely be a lie. Small, big it didn't matter as long as he thought he had one on me by lying. I usually always found out and if I would confront him about it he always tried to turn it back on me, saying you don't trust me and it must be you who is lying. See, a cheater and a liar will turn it back on you to relieve their guilt. Trust is something you earn, it isn't given to us unless we do. You and only you know whether you want to live the rest of your life not trusting the man you married.

Answer 2

Apple, any time I hear that one partner has rules for the other I know there are deep seated problems. The 'rules' are for the benefit of the partner making them , not the one they are for. Rules are made to be broken. You've heard that one. As far as the lap dance goes, if there was no touching, let it go. The sexy thing at the convention , the gf and you while you were dating. well, thats where I might draw the line. Wish we knew your age. I'm 63 and looking at this with hindsight and a whole lot of living behind me in a lot of different situations. Ideally he should not have dated both of you and slept with the convention girl. Looking or trying to look at this the way you might, I would say you should forgive him the past. Start new right now.And no buts. The next time you know he does cheat, kick him out, no discussion. Lots of nice guys out there. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Pls Pls Pls... be careful taking advise from strangers... having said that it is obvious most of them put little thought into their reply or care about you and your husband. Lizd... was right your vow was from this day forward. So that really means if you were listening and not caught up in your dress, hair, shoes, and the ring that you pledged to give each other a clean slate. I hope the rest get that point as well.

Few have skeleton free closets, but the question is were they brought in after your wedding. The trust you are seeking in your husband/marriage was really suppose to start to build that day. Of course most people think it should be started the day you met. But as you can see from your vows that is completely not true. Lastly your husband is suppose to be above all these other people even the anonymous ones here on the PC, so go discuss your concerns with him. Hell, get counseling if you need to... but don't let strangers tell you to leave the man you chose to marry.

Because if you do... he also has someone who he should not be trusting on his hands.....

Answer 4

Most of his lies are of the garden variety type that are governed by who is friends are, (they go to strip clubs) and what he did before marriage. That hes sneaky, well, hell yes, would I ignore a spate of late nights at the office, or strange perfume, hell no. But too many men to count don't count what goes on before marriage with how they behave afterward.
If other areas of you marriage are good, supportive, good communication, enjoying each others company and at bedtime, then give up on trying to rewrite his past, its over with and until he does something during his marriage, don't make him feel that if hes going to be distrusted he might as well give you a reason.
I read you addition and it sounds like you could use couples therapy to resolve this, otherwise, even if he isn't ever going to play around as a married man, he will get tired of your constant nagging and controlling behavior. Neither of you will be happy with this and the breakup of the marriage will be entirely your fault, a fact you are aware of.

Answer 5

AppleJax,you made yourself the real monster here by saying you lock your husband on locking key. Okay let me blunt to you and either you accept it or not but I will put my nickle worth of advice. What your husband did in the past is part of men life style, it doesn't matter to them whether it will hurt their girlfriends or not, but like what you said, it happened before the wedding. Because of this your trust was gone and yes he needs to prove to you that you can trust him again. always remember, "trust is not to be given but we all must earn it"
Does your marriage worth saving?? yes indeed, the mistakes was made before the two of you said your vows to each other. Now it's time to look at what's out there for both of you. Men will lies all the time, esp. if the can get away with it, but you know what he did so it will give you more power over him. Forget what he did, just work on what the two of you have. This happened to me before, he promise me that we will not look at other women anymore if I wait for him which I did, but because his a man he broke his promise to me,lied and told me about it after we got married. I forgive him because he did it when he was still single man, but I don't forget and for the first year of our marriage, theres no trust in our relationship.............so give it a shot and you ll see that things will be diff.

Answer 6

OH SWEETIE...Your marriage is in serious trouble.TRUST is everything in a marriage without Trust you have NOTHING..The fact that your husband has cheated on you is reason enough for me to leave.My husband and I have a clear understanding with eachother that I could tolerate just about anything except for 2 thing's..1)Cheating 2)Abuse..I could work just about anything out except for those two thing's.When a spouse cheat's they have not only broken their wedding vows to you but they have disrespected you in the worst way.You deserve to be treated with dignity & respect and once the bond of trust is broken you have nothing..I am sure that you have a great deal of respect for yourself and with that said you need to do what is best for you don't stay with a man that you cannot trust.I am not saying that it is going to be easy but in time you will get over it and you will meet the right man for you and your husband now is not the man for you He has made that very clear by his actions.I have been in your shoes and I am now happily married to the right man and you will be too again one day..One more thing that I want to make very clear to you is that this is not your fault in any way.Do not allow him to try and make you feel guilty..There is NO excuse,reason or justification for cheating ever...Feel free to e-mail or IM me anytime I am on your side..Good Luck & Best Wishes..

Answer 7

i might ask him the place he met somebody that youthful additionally... I see your evaluate the age diff. it is borderline. If it have been me...i do no longer think of i'd desire to get previous the cheating...in case you had no longer caught him he might nevertheless be doing it. yet, marriage is troublesome artwork and anybody makes errors. I propose you 2 bypass and seek advice from a professional. feels like a midlife crises element...i ask your self how he might sense in case you chanced on you a youthful boy to lie and cheat with....he could be mad as hell i'm effective. Did this woman even comprehend he replaced into married? i in my view have not any issues of age distinction, I certainly have long gone out with adult males that have been 40 whilst i replaced into 20ish...yet i wouldn't in any respect ever cheat with yet another females husband. the place do he and his friends carry close out...which would be the place he met her. good luck..I doubt my answer even helped. i'm purely sorry this happned to you.

Answer 8

As long as you don't mind being lied to - having your health jeopardized (STD's) and made a fool of you should stay. Sounds ridiculous right? It is. He has no right to be angry for the lack of trust that he "earned". Go to counseling and address all of these issues...lots of men like to have a "mother" that keeps them fed and housed while they continue their cheating on the side - its up to you whether or not you want to deal with that. The old "afraid he wasn't good enough" tactic is a popular one - it keeps the woman "feeling sorry" for the poor guy who knows how to cheat sneak and lie.

Answer 9

Absolutely not.... He has lied to you from day one. Just because he pleads and beg and says I will never do it again that is a bunch of bull. Once a cheater always one. I sure hope you don't have kids. If you do then it will be a difficult decision to leave...I don't want to tell you leave your husband. I could not be married to man that sleeps around secret and has other agendas for his day. Goodluck you still have time girlfriend.

Answer 10

So the question is if you will ever trust your husband. He sounds like he enjoys playing games. I would be more apt to say the trust can be built if within the discussions he acknowledges errors in judgment and demonstrates remorse. In your post you do not go into his remorse. We all take missteps in our life. It is in the corrective measures my trust of another is built. Perhaps focus your energy there. Game players can be caught playing games. Do some homework.