Since I found out that my husband is in to porn. I have felt like I am not satisfying all of his needs?

Question

It has been hard to find out that my husband is in to porn. He admit that he has a lust problem too. Now I walk around wondering if there was something that I have done wrong. I have found myself buying more sexy underwear and adding extections in my hair and having sex more(2 times), trying to please his every need (at lease that is what I think). I feel of no value to him. To me it's cheating. It 's like saying I want that instead of this.I never wanted to look at other men. Now I want to look at men (just to get back), really I want to leave. Is it me or it seems like most people agree to it being normal. I need to understand why?Is there any way that I can take care of his need?Why is it when men think you are doing something (which you are not) they get mad? But they look at porn and you suspose to be happy?I feel like this once with the eyes then with heart and last with actions.I dont mean he will find a porn star, but some one who fills his desires. I feel like I am going crazy

Answer 1

Let him watch his porn, he's only going to cheat on you with his hand.
Men have lusty fantasies about abnormally large breasts while women have lusty fantasies about abnormally large wallets. They are equally as divisive. They both add to feeling of inadequacy in the spouse and in a perfect world we would erase all of the things that cause pain.
It is interesting that only now are you giving him more sex or worrying about your appearance.
In the long run, it is probably harmless.
Remember, if you keep his balls empty, porn is very boring.

Answer 2

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know that it hurts and that your head fills with a million and 1 thoughts as to why and what you can do to make it better, but the quicker that you understand this the better your life will be. Firstly, there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with him either. When men are watching it, they are not replacing you or wishing they were there. I find its just something that they like to do. Secondly, there's nothing weird about looking after yourself and making yourself feel more attractive, its what most healthy couples do to keep the attraction going. Are you mostly hurt because he was hiding it? If so tell him that and try asking him if he would like you to watch it with him, most guys like that and that way you both can be open and honest with each other. If you try to come to an understanding rather than demand he stops, he will just do it behind your back and it will draw it to him even more. Try it and remember you are not alone and that almost everybody goes through this at one point and those who say that it doesn't, well, their just the people already open in the first place or just haven't found the stash yet! Hope this helps and good luck.

Answer 3

Very few men will pass up porn, it's not that we love you any less, it's more mechanical than that.

If your making love to your wife, you have her needs that have to be attended too. And sometimes it's easier and quicker to take matters into your own hands.

If he finds someone who fulfills that need, she's probably filling more than just his needs

This is in general.

BUT, it sounds like there are other issues your dealing with.

He should respect you enough to explain this to you rather than having a stranger do it. He's being a man about it.

If you notice boys start holding themselves early in life, it's just a progression. I'm not saying it's right or wrong so no hate mail please. I'm just explaining it from a man's point of view.

If it bothers you that much talk to him and tell him, understand he will continue to do it, maybe a little more discreetly.

Hope this helps

Answer 4

When you are not upset, you need to let him know how much (and why) it bothers you. If he's unwilling to cut back or compromise in some other way, I would seek counseling even if you have to go alone. If it bothers you as much as it seems to, then there is a problem he should be willing to help with. My husband browses on a rare occasion, but it doesn't bother me. I think it's healthy as long as it is not an obsession.

The way you see yourself is more important than they way he sees you. You can be strong and your marriage can survive this. Don't get so caught up in thinking that something has to be wrong with you for him to be looking at it. Guys pretty much are going to look for it in varying degrees.

Also, it's a big deal, but don't make it a bigger deal than it is. Try to remain calm and to really allow him to talk without being reactive and judgemental.

Answer 5

You just got a little taste of what men are all about .99 % of men watch it,dream about it and want what they see.What do you think he is thinking of when the two of you are having sex.What makes man think the way they do and why ain't they satisfied with what they have at home. Do you no that most of the women husbands have affairs with are not as pretty as their own wife but yet they take the chance of losing everything just to have sex with someone different it doesn't make sense to us wives.I think you made a big mistake trying to make yourself into one of those women.Having sex twice a day just to please his appetite but all your doing is going against everything you believe in and that can't make you feel good about yourself.He is going to expect that from now on ,are you willing to play his games if not then you need to tell him to straighten up or you will leave him. Finally a guy that will come out with how and what they really think about .Thanks for being honest BK I no it's a guy thing a code you live by never tell no matter what.Maybe now because it is coming right from the horses mouth women will believe that their men aren't as good as they would like to think.

Answer 6

OK in my opinion, you need to RELAX. For real. It is NOT that serious. Really. That is usual for a man. I mean let me try to explain this because me myself am into porn. Porn is just fantasies. You watch it because it turns you on, you watch it sometimes because it is interesting, maybe to get ideas. I watch porn because its interesting. Chicks be doing some crazy **** and I be stealing the crazy **** they do to please my man. Some men like seeing woman get f**cked. I mean as long as its not them doing the f**cking then you should just let him be. What I did when I first found out my man watched porn was to watch it with him. Can't beat them join them. I say. Then as time went by I began enjoying it more and more. It turns me on and makes my sex life better. But then again everyone is different.
Don't ever think its you. You are his sexy and nobody can please him like you do. Him watching porn does not mean you are not good enough for him. Trust me. I've asked a whole lot of guys this question and always get the same answer. You good ma. Don't worry.

Answer 7

a WHOLE LOT OF men watch porn. It is the largest revenue stream in movie business. Do you think that just a minority of people are buying a WHOLE lot of porn. No, men like it too. it goes to the deep part in us that makes us lust over women period! Don't feel like it is you. Even if you are the best women ever in bed. If a man watches porn, he probably would still watch it. As long as he is not watching it 24/7. if he is, he may have a problem. most men just hide the fact.

Answer 8

Look, all men like porn, it's pretty much a fact of life. Naked women are fun to look at. Don't get so upset about it. But if he is jacking off to porn RATHER then having sex with you it is a problem. He should not be using porn to fill his sexual appetite. If it bothers you so much, tell him to stop because it offends you. If he doesn't stop out of respect for you then he is a loser.

Answer 9

Men need visual stimulation to get them going. Its probably not that he wants to find anouther woman, but that he wants to be doing that with you. As with women, men seek to be fulfilled. However, a man's sense of fulfilment may not come from the same sources as a womens. Men need instant gratification. All men. Women seek the thrill of foreplay, while men like to "git r done". I think society has had a great deal to do with the way men are reverting back to the "cavemen" way of thinking. If you watch tv, listen to music, or go to the movies, about 98% of all media is geared towards man's need for instant gratification. Society has pushed the limits on decency and blurred the lines of the taboo so much, that we no longer have a sense that porn is a bad thing. Its just somethin us men do now. As far as how it makes you feel, I would tell him that you understand his needs and that you would like to help him understand yours. He needs to understand how it makes you feel, so that he can learn to help you satisfy your needs as well as his own. Any real man that loves his wife, will be ready, willing, and able to work together to help his wife feel better. If he really can't do without, (addiction to porn has been a growing problem in society) than try watching it together. Find ways to join in on his "hobby" and show him you are interested in helping him. It may just be the thing he needs to help ween him off his porn thing.

Answer 10

When did you ever deceive yourself into thinking one person can *EVER* fulfill all the needs of another? YOU CAN'T. It's impossible. It's storybook fantasy Harelquin romance novel bullsh*t. I am being harsh to snap you out of it. Oh sure you can be a very good fit with someone, but don't think you are the living end, capable of fulfilling his every desire. To think that is is to invite disaster, and tons of the feelings of inadequacy (however misplaced) that you feel right now.

Then add to the mix you are thinking about trying to meet a man's sexual desires - sheesh! No way! Married guys probably have *more* fantasies and more masturbatory episodes than single guys! And it's often about things you won't and can't fulfill. We don't want you getting anywhere near whatever our little visual fantasy is. We don't even want to know the woman who snuggles into a leather eff-swing and lets 2 guys do her at once, but some of us want to watch it. I mean, have you ever aked specifically him, "Do you actually want me to have 9 dildos sticking out of me, or is that just your porn thing? Cuz if that's what you want, you got the wrong girl. My limit is 2 dildos, buster." Or whatever it is. Approach it clinically, that is, without thinking about your emotions and your feelings and how hurt you are. Pretend you are gathering data to submit for an anonymous porn survey about what he likes. It honestly is a separate world. And he should've done a better job just keeping it his business.

Now, the "I lust after every woman I see" thing is unsettling. Gotta agree with you there. That would hurt anyone to be told that. I'd be tempted to say, "You want someone else? How do you think that makes me feel, asshole? Fine, get your raggedy a*ss out of my sight and go be with them." He never should've blurted that one out. That's going to create most likely a chasm between you that I doubt you'll ever build a bridge back over.

Okay so he what? - parades his porn in front of you and tells you all the women he wants to bang while you walk through the mall? Overall this guy sounds pretty screwed up. He is very disrespectful. He has blurting issues. There's a huge lack of self-control right there. If he is asking you to do what he sees in his porn and it's bizarre, that's an issue. Did you not know these things about him when you married him?

Also, did he use the term "lust"? That sounds, well, very 'religious' if you know what I mean. Just that religious guys are often among the worst hypocrites going. You know they frequently do that whole "Oh I am having a war with Satan and Jesus is on my side" thing but somehow their pecker always gives in to the devil.

You two have some serious work to do, and a positive outcome is highly unsure.

Answer 11

There is a difference between looking at porn out of curiosity and being addicted to it. If he is addicted to it, he is hiding it and using it to replace you in his sexual fantasy life. If you feel devalued by it, you need to tell him how you feel and demand that you work out a solution or compromise. There are worse things...he could be cheating and bringing std's home. It's just gonna require some open and blunt discussion. Take care.