Did you pay attention in biology class?

Question

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.


"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want
them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly.

I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . Ernie is a boy. You see,Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, likemost male species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . teeny little . .."

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


Two lizards: $140.

>One cage: $50.


Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!


Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.Lizards lay eggs.

Answer 1

Since you are in an ornry mood.

This couple takes their child to the park to walk their dog.

In the corner of the park near the trees two dogs start humping.

The boy turns to his father and says "Dad stop them. They are fighting."

The Father said "No, son. They are not fighting. They are trying to make a puppy."

Later that night after the boy had gone to bed the parents were having their weekly couples time.

The boy heard the commosion and said "Daddy what are you doing?"

The father turned his head to the boy and said "I am trying to make you a litttle brother."

The boy replied, "Well turn Mom over I would rather have a puppy."

Answer 2

Uh oh the egg is coming out backwards? How are you going pull it? tiny suction cups?

Answer 3

IS this true??? That is about the funniest and grossing thing I have ever heard.

Answer 4

OMG ... rotflmao, that's too da*n funny!! If you're not a writer ... think about it, please!! *still gigglin'*

BTW: Don't be surprised, if your lizard starts following you wherever you go from now on ... :P

Answer 5

not funny to me

Answer 6

honeslty, do you think someone is gonna read all that?