Is he planning to cheat me or its just my misunderstanding?

Question

My husband keeps peeping into my opposite neighbour's window and she too does the same in return. This has been going on since nearly 5 years. I have two kids aged 10 and 7, a boy and a girl. He never loved me the way a husband ought to love his wife. When I warn him about peeping, he gets annoyed and stops talking to me. But last night when he was doing the same thing, I warned him to listen to what I say, else I will talk about it to others, if he does not listen. To which he just denied, saying its just my misunderstanding and unnecessary doubts. My other neighbours also know about it and talk to me about this behaviour of his, I mean peeping into my neighbour's. I am cent percent sure about his being interested in her, she is even elder to him and a big flirt. My husband also tries to unnecessarily create fights between us, so that I get angry and get out of his way for him to make things easier. When I told him last night about his plan, he flatly refused and tried to convince me

What should my next step be in this case, should I carry on with him or we need separation. But then I feel my kids would not grow well without father's love and secondly, I also fear God, who does not like separation of husband and wife. I fear for the hereafter also. Before this, I have tried to warn him many times but he has never changed. He tells me to remove my doubts out of my mind and trust him, but I dont feel he is right. My neighbours also feel he peeps there and have told me the same. Why does he do that. Is it because he wishes for a beautiful wife, which I am not. How can I make him love me and forget her.

Is separation for this reason allowed in Islam

What according to you is in his mind. Does he create fights deliberately for me to take the initiative of separation, as he does not want to be responsible for separation. Or it is just my misunderstanding. Please someone give me true guidance within shariat.

He strongly denies and then I am put to doubt, if I am wrong or he. Someone please give proper opinion.

Can someone suggest a good Post Marriage Counsellor in Bombay for counselling in our matter. Also a rough idea of their charges with proper address and contact no.

Answer 1

Do you know about rolling pin? In India ladies use it for dual purpose firstly to prepare bread (Chapattis) & secondly to beat such peeping husbands. What else a wife will do if her husband has such a cheap habit of peeping into opposite neighbors window & the best part of it is that neighbor lady doing the same, so here such a rolling pin gets a third job too. Even in any matrimonial enactment one will not find any punishment or relief from such an act of ones spouse, so better show him the rolling pin & tell him to stop this cheapness once for all & stop behaving like those cheap ladies who have such habit of peeping in others houses just for their personal entertainment & behave like a dignified person.

Answer 2

Wow! You need to confront the neighbor, and depending on what she says and she acts, you will know what is going on, if anything. I would guess that if the neighbor is looking back there is more hear than what you are seeing. Five years is a long time. If other neighbors have also noticed, I am surprised that someone hasn't already confronted the neighbor or her husband, if she is married. He may just have a fetish and/or vice versa, about her. The fact that she knows that he is looking into her house, and allows it to continue is the tell tale. If nothing is going on she sure wants him to continue. Maybe she is an exhibitionist, this would be the lesser of the guess I already alluded to; that was that there is an affair at hand. By creating arguements with you, he is diguising the real issue and just wants to get on with what he is doing. Confront her and once this is done if you are convienced that nothing is going on ask him to go to a marriage councilor with you, as it is obvious you still love him. It sounds like you have your work cut out for you as you already said that he doesn't love you the way he should. However, what are you basing this on? Sex or lack of. It sounds like you are in a decent house and neighborhood. So, he sounds like a good provider. People can change and if you find that there is nothing physical with this neighbor then you should stop at nothing to save your marriage and get it back on solid footing. Moving would be a good move and with professional guidance and efforts from both of you, you have a good chance of saving and making the marriage good again. Good luck.

Answer 3

I don't think your husband is cheating at all. Like all we have a fascination of grass is green on the other side.

I do the same, I will peep into to next house to catch a glimpse of the woman wishing that I may see some cleavage or some just her. My wife is very beautiful and the neighbour woman is not that good looking at all. Just a sexual urge and a fantasy. I would never cheat my wife but I will size up another woman fast and flirt hard. So please do not worry and do not confront the other woman. It just complicates your life.
Give yourself some credit for being there for him and children. May be taunt your husband by dressing up sexily and make some new moves in the bed. May be he is just bored with the regular action in the bed room like me. Try it and it may work,

Answer 4

Even if he never cheats, why would you want a man who peeps into other women's windows? You seem to be concerned that your kids have a father around, but it should be more important, the character of the man who is around!.Why do some women get so consumed with this got to have a man for my kids, and it really doesn't matter what kind of man? You have said that he doesn't love you as a husband ought; yet you still hang in there! I worry not just about him, but you as well.What will your daughter learn from her mother and what will your son learn from his dad? Please stop assuming that children are not aware of things going on around them!! I hope that you will give some serious thought to the plight of your kids ! Is this really what works in the long run for them, him or you?

Answer 5

Darling you and your kids deserve better! Men are strange characters, some are just not very good at showing their emotions. But the part where you say he 'picks' fights for no reason is a sure sign. I dont know whether he is cheating or not but looks like he wants to. He does have other 'things' on his mind. Yes Islam does allow a wife to divorce her husband even on the basis that he doesnt love her like she deserves to be loved, and if she is unhappy. You have to love yourself. If you dont noone will. The kids too deserve a better father. There is a quote, 'the best thing you can do for your children is to love and respect their mother'. Yo want your kids to be reasonable well rounded people. They deserve a happy loving environment but not at the cost of your self esteem or pain. Good luck!

Answer 6

It would appear to me you are acting and responding prematurely.

Did he actually do something wrong?

I can tell you that men are often times very curious.

You want to make sure you are in top form when he comes home. Make sure you have taken a shower, are nice and clean with a little lipstick on. Try to wear and attractive dress. Something that will make him take notice.

TRY TO SAY SOMETHING NICE. DON'T STAY ON THE SAME COMPLAIN TRACK ALL THE TIME. IN A NICE WAY LET HIM KNOW HE HAS EVERYTHING AT HOME AND DON'T NEED TO GO HUNTING. TRY TO SPICE UP THINGS WHEN ITS TIME TO GO TO SLEEP IN A DISCREET WAY.

DON'T BE OVERBEARING AND DEMANDING.

PUT YOURSELF IN A POSITION THAT WILL MAKE HIM WANT TO TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION, BUT DON'T BE OBVIOUS ABOUT IT. IF HE RESPONDS, BE AT YOUR BEST. LET HIM SAY AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. I AM SURE YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. ONCE YOU GET HIM GOING, KEEP HIM COMING BACK!

When last did you go out together with your children?

Maybe some slight adjustments can get everything back on track.

Suggest you recall the times when you were both in accord and try to rekindle your relationship from that point.

You may not want to rush into a separation. As you said children need both parents.

You are in a difficult position and I hope it works out well for you and your family.

May God bless your marriage and family and keep it wholesome.

Answer 7

If you feel like your not being treated with respect from your husband why stay with him? Your not obligated to stay with anyone if you feel like they don't treat you the way a wife should be treated and that's with respect, honesty, dignity, and everything a marriage should represent. I would make sure my children and myself are happy before I would ever think about staying in a marriage where there is lack of respect. You can't continue a marriage on suspicion if you feel like your always having to look over your shoulders 24'7. If you feel like he's treating you wrong that's how your going to continue how to feel until you confront him face to face. Don't let him get away with conflicts because that means he's trying to cause tension between you and him so that he can do whatever he wants to do. I would knock on the neighbors door and confront her by telling her that you don't appreciate her flirting with your husband and vice versa. If your husband is the main source of the problem and you don't feel like he's a good husband divorce him. Your children will be hurt but its better for you to be honest with yourself. Just make sure before you do anything drastic talk to a lawyer to find out how to properly start a divorce procession.

Answer 8

sounds like there are things under the surface here. peeping tom does not equate to him cheating on you. however, what made I heard most out of your comment was that he doesn't love you. You should go to counseling with him about that. Leave the peeping issue off the table for now. If you really feel like your marriage is in jeopardy then you need to tell him that and ask whether he is willing to go and see 3rd party with you. if he is not, then regardless of the peeping tom issue, you may have a husband that does want to work on your relationship.

Answer 9

No. For misunderstanding is the first step towards destroying peace of mind and destroying your otherwise healthy married life on flimsy grounds. There is no harm in peeing or appreciating others unless that progresses to unpleasant situations affecting badly the relations. So don't cloud your vision and thinking unnecessarily and ruining your happiness. Your husband is absolutely right. Perhaps you should make yourself more presentable, amicable, soft and pleasant like your neighbour.

Answer 10

I think when someone gets really mad when you confront them about a behavior they are very guilty of something. He obviously doesn't respect your feelings on this. He's also very ballsy to do it right there in front of you. If she's peeking in YOUR windows I'd call the cops on her just for spite. Maybe not the most grown up response, but that's just me. I'd also tell him that if that's what he wants then go for it! Cause no matter what you say or do, he's gonna cheat if he wants to - if he hasn't already after 5 years of this behavior. You can't MAKE him stop or not cheat. Just be the best wife you can for your kids sake, never fight when they are around and pray for God to make hubby see he is WRONG. Good luck.