Husband problems?

Question

Every few days I have this problem. First I don't have a checking account or bank card. My husband comes home drinking. I know then there will be a "hell night" after he spends his money. He starts on me demanding money this goes on for hours. "I know you have money" I just want to buy a beer I will be back in a little while". I save out less than $50 to get us thru the weekend just because I know the way he is. Finaly I just give in I work 12 hour shifts and need to rest for the long day the next day at work. I work in a hospital and have to work weekends. If you are going to tell me to leave he blocks me from leaving the house. He is not physically abusive and he is a good husband when he is not drunk. He does not think he has a drinking problem. I know he does. I am a nurse and am well aware of the signs of a addictive personality.. I don't want to leave him because this is the only real bad problem we have. Maybe some of you have ideas that I have not thought of yet.

Answer 1

you need to get counseling because this is a problem, and
as a nurse you should know that this will not get any better
until something is done. if you know that he taking money to
drink then why are you giviing to him. time to get some
serious help. this is a big problem that could become a lot
worst. and for blocking you that even worst, dont you think.
it really sound like you are making excuses for him.

Answer 2

This is sad because what I am thinking about is what you already know. He has a drinking problem and the only thing that would help him is when he comes to the realization that he has a drinking problem. When he does this then you can try counseling but the only way that he will go is when he knows that he has a problem and admits it. He would have his down times and his good ones I think that you should try talking to him only when he is sober.
When he is sober and has had a good bit of counseling then you need to work on your relationship. Relationships are hard to hold on to when there is a addiction in the mix. I know that you love him so hold on as much as you can because believe it or not he loves you too. Its hard to show you love someone when you have an addiction I know this because I was a smoker and my husband hated it. He hated how I would acted when I was out and needed a smoke really bad or how I smelled and when I got pregnant well that is another story lets just say I had no choice. Even the people at work would have my head.

Answer 3

First, I'm a male. I worked domestic violence for years. You're in it. He may not be hitting you but the emotional abuse/control/power is evident. Call your local Y or state DV program. Talk to one of the case workers. DO NOT rely on your friends for advice. There is still too much of a "stand by your man" attitude.

Also, my two cents worth is: womens attitudes about women in your situation are worse than mens attitutudes! It's surprising.

Drinking: he has a problem. A serious problem. In many respects, he sounds like my father. Do you have children? Do you realize what they are exposed to with a) his berating you (women are ****, men are the rulers; son/daughter, know your place), and b) they are LEARNING from BOTH of you how to parent? He is making HIS addiction YOUR problem. You don't have the power to solve it. And you never will.

He needs help. You can't give him what he needs, only what he wants.

In your mind you know the right answer. That's why you're asking the question. You need affirmation. Again, call a DV hotline. You are not alone! Get SOUND advice.

Answer 4

You have to know that by you just being there, and by providing him with money, you are enabling him to drink. If you really want to help your husband you need to display tough love. He needs to hit bottom in order for him to face his drinking problem, otherwise as you have said, he feels he has not drinking problem. You think you are helping him when in fact you are not. If you were really aware of the signs of someone who has a drinking problem you would have already known this. Start first by getting into some program that helps people who have a spouse with a drinking problem. Maybe after doing this they can best advise you on what to do. Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

If you can LEAVE for work, Janet, then you can LEAVE him. No man "blocks" you from leaving & is called "non-abusive." it's just a non-violent way of abuse, my dear. Talk to him; give him an choice: he either attends counseling with you or you will have to leave. If he verbally assults you or makes threats, then there is your answer. I can tell you are an educated woman. If you've tried talking already , you know what options you have left & none are very plesant. But with counseling, you might be able to get him to recognize what he is doing wrong & that he has a problem. By verbally attacking you & harassing you for money, he IS being abusing; don't make excuses for it. One bad problem can be just as bad as a few small nagging ones, hon & you deserve to be resected a bit more. Get him or the both of you some help. If he refuses, you know you're not going to be able to fix him or his problems & if you don't leave, you may well just get dragged down with him. I wish you the BEST of luck, Janet.

Answer 6

There's nothing wrong with you not wanting to bail out on your marriage. Absolutely nothing. You really need to suggest that he consider getting sober, and if possible, going to AA. In all honesty, he has to want to get sober, and no one can make someone change. They have to want to do it. You know this. He knows he has a problem, but is in denial. Once he admits that he has a problem, he'll get sober, but he is in so much denial, that I don't see that happening at the moment. Counseling won't work unless he gets clean, and it doesn't sound like you two have very many issues. I can't answer this question any better unless I know how often he drinks...

Answer 7

Find the courage to assert yourself. Without blaming or accusing, confront your husband. Tell him that you're not interested in making more sacrifices. He must understand that there are two people in this marriage and both have needs and wants. A marriage can only work when there is mutual respect. It might be safer to share your feelings in a letter which will enable him to have the time to think about your concerns.

Remember happiness is a function of self-respect and intimacy. Act to create happiness for yourself.

Good luck,

Answer 8

maybe you should start with a call to al-anon.there are people there who have been there and can help you to detatch from the problem and help you to heal yourself.alcoholism is called the family disease for a very good reason.It effects everyone around the the addict/alcoholic
It sounds to me as though he could use an intervention.three or four people to set him down and tell him how it is.
I myself as a recovering addict/alcoholic can tell you that as long as you continue to support and enable him to drink and be self destructive,he will be.If you truly care for him you must quit protecting him and let him start facing the consequences of his actions.that means telling him that while he may not think he has a drinking problem ,His drinking IS A PROBLEM for you.and you can no longer live with it.Put the ball in his court.Make HIS drinking HIS problem. refuse to give him money. spend it on anything so you dont have it to give to him,when he starts "HELL NIGHT" call the cops and ask them to remove him because youre afraid of his behavior. you have to get tough, or he wont have a reason to get well.It may come to an ultimatim ,quit or leave.what usually happens then is they will wake up and try to change or they will find another enabeler.
But most important of all get support for yourself ,call Al-anon.they will give you the strength to make good choices for yourself.
the best thing that happend to me was when the people that loved me, quit helping me.quit giving me money.quit bailing me out.quit making excuses for me,quit forgiving me for inexcusable behavior and made me be responsible.
peace><>

http://12-steps-recovery.com/
http://groups.msn.com/Alanon
http://www.alanon.org.za/

Answer 9

Being a nurse, you know the answer to this one yourself.
He needs help with his drinking problem.
Whilst sober, you need to talk about it and make him realise what he is doing and the pressures it can put on your relationship.
Meet him half way, moderate his drinking. If this fails he needs to attend Rehabilitation.
Good luck. Wish you well.

Answer 10

Counseling