To men ( and some women) do you think that verbally abusive men can change?

Question

I left my husband because he is verbally abusive and now he is telling me he wants me back because he loves me. I don't understand how he can love me and say the things he says to me. Do you think he can change?

Answer 1

Sure they can. I did. I realized the pain I caused my wife. I admitted to myself to her and took responsibility for my actions along with making some extreme sacrifices to gain her confidence back. I agreed to go to anger managment class, joined a couple of men's groups, agreed to individual counseling and now we are in couples' counseling. Going great. Even our therepist told my wife, I've made great progress. I'm hoping to reconcile soon.
What was a key point in our relationship, was my admission that I needed help. Pride stood in my way for a long time. I didn't want to admit we had problems. I thought we could solve them by ourselves.
The things he says to you are an attempt to control. You're out of his control at present, he want's you back, possibly to get you back in control. You know he probably does love you but may not realize the hurt that he's caused you or he's ignoring it or denying it happened. I would be very wary but not totally dismissive that he can change. If he really wants you back, he needs to explain how things will be different and not just in talk but concrete plans about how to resurrect the relationship (therapy, joining groups, self study, etc.). This will show if he is really serious or if he's just giving lip service. I have read a number of books on Verbal Abuse. One of them "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans I highly recommend. It will bring things in persective and provide you with real life examples of his bahavior and how to react to it. It will help with the insanity. Not that your insane but the treatment of you is insane. Don't get down.

You ought to find out if he's willing to change b/f going back. I really wish you well.

Answer 2

NO ~ unless he has undergone serious therapy and understands the reasons why he is verbally abusive, it will be very difficult for him to change, even if he wants to change. He can "try", but without the commitment to changing himself and understanding why he has the need to belittle and disrespect his wife, he will slip back into the old ways~ whether that takes a week or a year, it will happen. He might love you~ if he does, then he should be more than willing to seek help for himself in order to stop his abusive behavior. Many men have been brought up in verbally abusive homes, so this behavior is "normal" to them. If you have children, remember that this is what they are learning is an acceptable relationship~ whether you have a son, who will learn that it is OK to demean or belittle women as a means of controlling them, or a daughter, who will think that it is fine to accept that from a man. You can also have him in individual therapy and agree to couples counseling as he goes through his own therapy. IF you want to stay in the marriage. If you feel like there is little benefit to you, GET OUT ~ you only get 1 life to live and this is it!

Answer 3

Hmmm... good question. I'd like to think they can once they realize how verbally abusive they are. Most times, guys don't think before they speak - - I know this, I r 1... ;)

Seriously, if the guy has a history of being verbally abusive, then he has serious issues, and he needs to seek some help! If it just started happening, then there could be other issues on the horizon.

If you buy into his pleading, he may be okay for a little while, and then return to his old self...... "buyer beware"....

Answer 4

Yes I do feel that they can change, some men, honestly don't realize that the things that htey are saying to you are abusive. Some men don't realize that verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical. In the end the choice to go back or not is yours and yours alone. But some men can really change but be warned, they are few and far between.

Answer 5

It's probably possible for him to change. More important than him changing is can you change?

A new one on me is the idea that we teach other people how to communicate with us often by accepting abusive behaivor.

You did the right thing getting yourself out of that situation.

If he wants you back and you can accept him, it's time for you to set the terms such as:

1. Your strong statement about what you will and will not put up with.
2. He coming up with his own action plan to determine what he is going to do when he feels anxiety, and frustration rising.
3. Both of you determining what you need from each other in the form of a written list.
4. Both of you doing research into how to make your marriage work.

Like it or not, it's not all his fault. Both of you are responsible for the way things got to be the way they are.

Good Luck and God Bless You,

Earf!

Answer 6

No...HELL no. Can the grass change it's color, can a frog change how it walks. NO>>>NO>>>NO. Why do i say this, because I have watched to many of my female friends go through the up's and down's on this kind of stupid s***. They always say "I love you baby/honey, I'll never do it again. I didn't mean what I said/did, please give me another chance. For us/the kids/the love of god, give me another chance." And they do change, for about a week or so, then "BAAAAAM" out comes the old self, and most times even meaner than before. You got smart and got away, for your sake, stay away. By the way, loving someone means NOT saying those hurtful things, or degrading the other person.

Answer 7

To be quite honest, they do not change. 99% of the time, verbal abuse is just a precursor to physical abuse. It's really a vicious cycle. He'll be verbally abusive, hurt you emotionally, then be incredibly sweet so you forgive him....until the next time it happens. It just goes on and on... Don't put yourself through that again. Find someone who will love and respect you, not insult and hurt you. Good luck. Be strong.

Answer 8

No, not without counseling and most of them will not put forth the effort or motivation to change. Move on, before the verbal abuse turns physical.

Answer 9

OK I have to say yes to this question, I've been there. My husband verbally abused not only me but our 3 kids. we were in serious trouble...We had to encounter years of therapy and not until he started watching Joyce Myers (a christian program) and OPENED up his Bible and actually read it, Nothing worked until then, we are now happily married 29 years and everyone who knew him Pryor said he's had a major change...so yes there's hope, just depends where you look!

Answer 10

I think verbal abuse can be corrected...but with that said I don't think just by saying OK..I won't say ugly stuff anymore will do it...he needs some counseling..guidance from a pastor or therapist before I'd say he has learned a lesson.